My reflection on my hardships that made me discover my True Self

Maybe there was no answer; the questions had never been asked, so there couldnt possibly be an answer that was known to be correct. Would it be crazy to think I was first to ask such questions? At least id be first at something regardless of whether it is correct or not? How can I ask myself if I'm happy if I don't even understand real happiness without being in a delusional reality? I sit in the office with a wise woman licensed and probably seen alot worse than myself or even too many such as myself as she writes in her book in silence; as I talk, I wonder what she's writing and if my questions even matter.

Growing up

I was constantly distracted, but I always had a big imagination; I always looked past my reality. I never wanted more than anything but to be noticed and have attention from my family. I was very active, always wanting to build something or do something different. I managed to sidetrack myself away from being inside at home most of the time. I stayed outside playing or over at my aunt Frances who lived a few steps away, if not at my best friend Haley's house, who lived across the street, which was a quick bike ride.

My aunt Frances cleaned ranch houses for a living, and when I could, I would go with her to help. I always enjoyed helping her out, and it was better than being alone bored. Haley had a big family and a lovely house; her mom was my babysitter when my parents left if my aunt Frances was too tired. Haley and I met in preschool, across the street from her house by the firehouse, and managed to stay friends till elementary. In kindergarten, I got held back, and she stopped being so nice to me. My mom always told me she put me in kindergarten too early because she wanted me to join Haley, but unfortunately, it backfired. I lived In a small town called Tabernash, Colorado claimed to be the coldest town in Colorado.

I loved my mom and still do, but sometimes well, most of the time, she wasn't there for me growing up how I had wished she was, but she did provide me with alot of materialistic things. I never knew this till I was older but my mom never had a mom. My mom came from her own trauma growing up. I never met anyone on my mom's side of the family and still don't really know anyone but I have been trying to change that. As an adult now a mother myself, I understand alot more, and I don't blame her as I once did when I was in my teenage years. I have come to peace and forgiveness with my mother, knowing she was put through some trials at the time I did not understand. I am glad she could come out of them and be able to be a Grandma to my son.

Growing up, I accepted my mom; having to be gone a lot doesn't mean it didn't affect me. She explained it was to help provide me with all the things she wanted to give me in life, so I kept myself busy playing with toys, and when I learned how to write, I began writing stories and making little cards for my mom that she could read before work. My dad worked a lot too, and unfortunately, if he wasn't working, he was drinking alot. Even though he loved to play the guitar and sing, it was difficult for him to not be consumed by his bad habit. I enjoyed singing along with my dad and the guitar. I loved being able to bond with him. My dad and I seemed to have a dynamic relationship. I was a daddy's girl, and In my eyes, he was my Hero. My father also had his own trials he had to overcome and he did as well. My dad beat his alcoholic days and his cigarette smoking and is able to be here for his grandson today.

When we would be able to get involved in sports like baseball and build things were some of the most memorable times. I enrolled in Fraser baseball, and I enjoyed it. Other activities I can remember were when he helped me build an igloo outside in our yard during the winter and a playhouse in the summer. My memory is vivid. I try to recall more of the happy moments than the bad, but as I mentioned initially, I attended to distract myself from my own reality.

The lady looked at me, questioning what I was talking about, or that could have just been how I was feeling. Then, she began to turn her chair towards her clock, checking the time myself I prepared to hear the see you again next time and the awkwardness of leaving a session to overthink.

Therapists and psychiatrists can dissect my mind and try and tell me all the wrong things and offer suggestions to help, maybe prescriptions, routines but none of that will ever matter even with consistency. When I can never get to the root of where it all began because it will always come back sooner or later and hopefully not sooner, but it always does. Maybe it is not even a problem, but I feel who I really am is not acceptable.

My family was your average hardworking, and we definitely had alot of love, but along with that love came alot of mistakes and hurt. I can accept now my actual reality, still coping and conquering my own flaws and traumas. I'm making myself better one day at a time and figuring all my emotional stress. Finally, at age 23, I began this journey now 29.

A blessing in disguise of hitting rock bottom to realize to end the dysfunctional cycle with myself coming to peace with my past. The truth is I blamed my dad's alcoholism and my mom loving my dad too much during his toxic times on a lot of my mistakes and actions, being in denial of inheriting my own addictions.

I began to act out for attention from my parents doing so often I began to forget why I was acting out and getting caught in the feeling of the adrenaline instead of not realizing consequences.

I distanced my parents to where my acting wasn't for their attention but for my own satisfaction. Then, when my parents realized, I pushed them away, for I didn't want them to get in the way of my addictions.

They tried but by then, it was too late, and I wasn't the little girl they once knew, and all I could feel was resentment and revenge, feeling no longer vulnerable to pain and forgetting all the happy moments and just focusing on the bad memories. My parents saw me self-destructing, and there was nothing they could do that would have saved me because I was too far gone. I created more bad memories for myself, literally losing grip of reality to where I distracted myself so far from the truth I almost died one too many times. I am here now thanks to a blessing to tell my story and hope all who read can have the insight to help themselves and make the first step and know it is not meant to be easy getting out of the darkness and beating the escape. Still, you are not alone and can achieve the greatness you desire if you are given the tools they are out there. Then from there, it is up to your when you want to begin the process. Throughout my addiction in my teenage years to adulthood, I realized that I always wanted to help someone, even if it meant putting myself in a dangerous situation or wanting someone to get clean with me in my addiction. The reality was I enjoyed seeing others' satisfaction than my own it made me feel better about myself for some odd reason. I had to channel that energy and effort into my own life rather than someone else's. This did not mean, though, that trait I held was one I had to get rid of, just one I had to learn to use more healthily and channel that into society by making a difference. When I became a mother, this became alot harder, but whoever said caring more about your children than yourself was not ok. Well, a Therapist told me that if you can't love and care for yourself, you could be subconsciously harming your child by teaching them that it is ok to do the same. My son is 5 now, and I am married to a man who comes from his own trials and tribulations that I have had to learn to co-parent along with gentle parents breaking toxic generational cycles. All in the midst of this transitioning and changing in my life and progress, I became a family coach discovering that being able to help families is my new high. It makes me genuinely enjoy my job, and being able to be with children in a class is my second. When I come to work, it is not for a paycheck but because I genuinely am passionate about channeling my energy into helping others. I am 6 years sober and will continue to reflect and grow into myself as a woman, a mother a wife, and change will constantly occur in life. I will take it as it comes one day at a time, reminding myself it is ok when the bad days come; it is not a bad life, just not so great moment and never being dull but full of energy and emotion, knowing there doesn't need to be an answer for everything but a reflection.