My Prayer

1-800-273-8255 By Logic

Is the only prayer I will ever need. I don’t believe in God but I have faith that there is Karmic energy placed on earth to help aid you in life. This song is my constant reminder that I am not alone and that I have to hold on. I suffer from severe mental illness and I am hospitalized at least once every year. If I had this song come out when I attempted suicide three times I would have called this number instead of trying to take my own life. Now I turn this song up and I let my prayer be heard and remind myself why I have to hold on and that if I can’t hear it anywhere else I can hear it in this song.

It’s hard when you are at war with your own mind for survival. I don’t think anyone knows what it’s like to Hallucinate several times a day and to have to remind yourself that what you see, hear, and feel isn’t real. And the best case scenario is that you can get it down to four hallucinations a day. And on top of that to have to fight with either mania or depression. Lately, I have been battling mania. And I don’t really have any tools to help myself deal with that. I am usually depressed. The last time I was manic I almost died because I ran out into traffic. Someone pulled me out of the street. I don’t know if I can handle this or what I will do. I am scared of my own mind. I have no control of what is happening to me and I take my meds but I am still worried I don’t know if they are helping. I have to freeze my card so I don’t spend all of my money and I don’t want to live like this but I don’t want to die either.

I know I will be on psych meds for the rest of my life because I have debilitating mental illness. I can’t even function without my meds. I hate swallowing those pills twice a day but I swallow the pills or be locked in a padded cell. I don’t know what I did to deserve this but I wish there was an easier way. I have been like this for a very long time and it took the doctors a long time to even figure out what is wrong with me. It took two years before I was properly diagnosed by a specialist. And sometimes I hate my life and other times it's bearable. Today is one of those days where I just hate it so much.

I don’t know if i will ever get to the point where I am happy with my life and want to live. Every second is a struggle for me. I know that my illness isn’t my fault and is in part caused because of my military service and it doesn’t make me regret my decision to serve my country. I am hurting and I don’t have anyone I can talk to about how I feel. I am writing this because of my pain. I love my country and even if I could go back knowing what I know now I would still raise my hand and serve.

It just hurts so much to know that most of the people I fought to protect wouldn’t care if I wasn’t here anymore I wouldn’t leave any imprint of this world. I would be just another vet who took their life. I am not suicidal just speaking the truth. I don’t want to die, I don't I want to find a way to live with the cards I’ve been dealt and I don’t think I am doing well with my hand. I don’t hate myself, I'm a wonderful person. I just find it hard to live with mental illness. I feel like I am screaming at the top of my lungs and no one is listening. I am not going to give up. I just needed to get this out if you read all the way to the bottom of this thank you. You cared enough to listen to what I had to say and for that I thank you.

By Storm Gray