My Own Anatomy

2021

Changed my major and schools after being in lockdown from COVID-19, remote learning and was able to find a new normal. Masks were still being worn and we all still had to figure out the best way to stay safe whilst still trying to transition back to in-person learning. I made some new friends (however questionable they were) and started learning more about my own identity that was slowly becoming more of a reality.

But I was lost. Not in the way that a normal college student is lost, but in the way that I had absolutely no idea what was giving my life purpose. I had given my all to music and everything crumbled down when it wasn't what I had hoped it would be. My fire no longer burned.

I remember feeling empty and my life was just going to be everything that I feared it would become: boring and mundane. Everyone had this expectation that I was going to make a difference to the world and be so successful, and yet I was a bundle of nerves and stress. I rarely stayed alone in my dorm room. I found any excuse to hang out with the friend group just so that I didn't have to be alone in my triple dorm room my thoughts.

One night we were hanging out and one of the friends asked if I had ever watched Grey's Anatomy. I said no because all I knew about the show was it was about a bunch of doctors and whatnot. They all started talking amongst themselves trying to figure out the perfect episode to get me into watching the show.

Season 6, Episode 23 - Sanctuary

(SPOILERS AHEAD)

They were convinced that this episode was going to be the one that shifted the way I looked at the show and it would convince me to start watching it. I remember sitting there watching and a man whose wife died in the hospital was trying to kill the doctor who couldn't save her and began shooting up the hospital. He wanted other people to feel the pain he felt. There was nothing sticking out to me. The writing was good, the characters seemed real, and it seemed very much what I expected from the show.

Until the man shot a doctor for simply not showing him around. Cold. Heartless. Later another doctor came into the room without paying attention and slipped on the blood and saw her coworker's lifeless body.

She ran to find the chief of the hospital, who also just so happened to be the person that the shooter was looking for in the first place.

April Kepner: I... I grew up on a farm, so you know, blood... blood doesn't bother me, I... I slaughtered a pig once. That was a lot of blood. "Bleeding like a stuck pig." That's a saying. To bleed like a pig, you know, it means something, but you don't think of people as having that much blood. I mean, you learn in med school how many pints we all have in us, but you don't realize it until you see it. You don't get how much blood... And a skinny person? I mean, my God, Reed, she's like almost anorexic. She's like 5 pounds. You wouldn't think she'd have that much blood in her, but she did. She did.

Derek Shephard: [trying to interrupt her] April, April, April! You're in shock. It's okay. Tell me what happened.

April Kepner: Reed's dead. Someone shot her.

This moment, something changed in me. The feeling of pure anguish and hurt that April was feeling, the seriousness in the situation, and the overall delivery of the lines...I said out loud, "I want to do that".

My friends freaked out a bit, very valid reaction from a comment like that, but I explained: acting was something I always saw myself wanting to be part of. I did it in high school and performed on-stage off broadway. I even did some toured shows. I didn't decide to study it in college just because it was such a luck based career and if I wasn't performing or booked, I wasn't going to make any money. I sacrificed a dream for reality.

Seeing that episode and the way that I felt after hearing that monologue, I wanted to give that feeling for someone else with the characters I portray. That true emotional connection to a character, I wanted to give that to others. Part of me felt I missed my chance and it was too late to change majors again and start all over. The other part of me knew that I only have this life and wasting it away with regret of not taking a chance would only make life dull for me.

Within the next few weeks into the new year, I decided that I was going to find my way into the industry and work for it. I started applying for study abroad in London to not only fulfill a childhood dream of living there, but to also start learning the nuances to theatre and acting that I may not already know. Living over there too, I had the chance to audition to several shows, movies, and on-stage productions. Did I book anything? No, unfortunately not, but I wouldn't have given up that experience for the world.

To this day, I look back at that episode with such fondness and am grateful to have experienced that moment. I haven't yet watched the full show and I'm not sure I ever will. I think I like the idea of it being a singular moment in my life that shifted the way I now carry myself. The anatomy of my own being.

Take that chance. Take that risk. Leaving behind regrets will only make you angry at the world for the cards you were dealt, but could've traded in at any time. I still am auditioning for things and hoping that one day I can be on the big screen or on-stage again. But for now, I am happy for this to be part of my story.