My Last Day

My diploma above will have close ups of staff signatures further down.

Before Program:

Today is my last day at partial for my eating disorder. I need to feel ready for not having it five days a week but I don't FEEL ready. Logically, I think I am. I know I have made a lot of progress but those negative thoughts keep telling me that I haven't changed as much as I think. Except.... I saw my chart. Completions are way better. Behaviors have decreased, at least my initial behaviors (binging and purging). There has been some symptoms swapping the last week and a half (restricting instead of binging and purging). I know I'm stopping the restrictions way faster than I did before program. Before it, I was restricting for nearly a day after a binge/purge episode. That was on average two to three times a week.

Outside of the behaviors and such, I have made some incredible friends for the beginning of my journey and I know I'm going to miss them. I'm also going to miss the staff there A LOT, especially my amazing therapist and one of the patient care technicians.

After Program:

Tonight made me cry at dinner there. There were two rock circles (another girl and me). They do the rock circles when people are leaving, where the rock is "holding" what people say. It gets passed around and everyone says their feelings and sometimes funny stories. I told her that hers would be first since my therapist wasn't there yet and hers was. For her, everyone was saying stuff along the lines of "You've made so much progress. I'm going to miss you." What I said was, "I have seen your progress since my first day, only a few days after you started. I have seen the change in putting yourself first and I hope you continue to put as much energy into caring for yourself as you do for others, if not more. I'd say I'll miss you but I know I don't have to." When people spoke for mine, it was about the progress, my compassion, and how much fun I brought to the room.

I chose the rock above for a couple reasons. First of all, the word "courage" explains my whole journey so far. I've been fighting a hard fight without being able to have my parents. I'm afraid of their reaction. I couldn't bring myself to even let my therapist help me tell them. They have never seen the eating disorder behaviors so being courageous while living with them is all I can do. They think that you can't be risking your own health and safety at a larger weight, which I am, so it doesn't make sense to risk my living situation. The second reason I picked it is that I think I know the girl who painted it. It looks like her handwriting. She left a while ago because of medical complications.

My therapist gave me a hug after dinner and I started crying. Before this, I had only teared up a little. We played Uno as a group (including the two therapists that were there... I talked mine into it). Mine gave the two of us our diplomas (pictures below) and we walked down the stairs. Before then, we were only ever allowed to use the elevator. As soon as I got down the stairs, my therapist held her arms for another hug. She said I had to hurry with goodbyes because my ride was there. I had already done that (while we were upstairs) just in case my ride was there. She said, "I'll walk you out," and gave me one last hug before I left for the last time, hopefully ever. I told her I never want to see her there again and I meant it.

Now for the pictures of the diploma...

Rob is the program director so reading that I made that much of an impact made me cry.

Serena was my therapist while I was in PHP. We had a therapeutic relationship where we made sure it was fun while still being helpful. The reason she put, "It also is a Friday" was because she always blames the day of the week for stuff. Struggle with math? It's because it's Monday. Drop a pile of packets? It's because it's Wednesday. From day one, I told her that it wasn't because of the day of the week.

She also taught me a way to reframe negative thoughts to a neutral/positive way of thinking. It's hard but it's slowly working. I have always been scared to change that and she pushed me for it. I've had more comfortable feelings. They're uncomfortable right now but therapists are very slowly stopping saying positive and negatives for this reason... "Feelings aren't positive or negative. They just are." I got used to sadness and anger so they became comfortable but I'm working my way out of that pattern.

Jules started only a few weeks ago, like three or four weeks ago and was always a ray of sunshine. I had some rough days where my only smiles were because of her.

Rachel didn't sign it. Between the wording and everyone else having their names there, I was able to figure it out.