my journey

hi, i’m Joanna. over two years ago, while struggling with bouts of depression and a general discontentment with where i was in life, i decided to start writing poetry again (after many years of not writing anything) i didn’t know exactly what it was that i needed besides a creative outlet, so i told no one about the account and began posting anonymously. sharing my poetry with people in the past always felt a little nerve-wracking, like i was baring my soul. it left me feeling exposed and i wasn’t a fan of that feeling. however, my favorite english teacher and my creative writing professor in college praised me for my ability, and often shared my writing with the class. sometimes it’s nice to have an audience. what would i even call the account? well, i started writing haikus in school, so i dug out an old one from college, the last line being “i just hold the pen” yeah, that will work! i wasn’t aware of what my poetry account would actually take the form of, much more than a creative outlet.

in my early days on instagram, i started coming across a lot of venting/recovery accounts run by young people who graphically and often anonymously shared about their battles with mental health issues, such as self-harm, depression, anxiety, eating disorders, PTSD, and suicidal ideation, just to name a few. knowing very little about most of those topics, i wondered what i could possibly do to help them. all that i knew for certain was that i had to do something. anything. i may be just a poet, but i’m also a mother. doing nothing was not a viable option, and somewhere deep i could almost hear God whisper “can you just love them?”

so i began to make short but heartfelt comments on their posts, my favorite being “i’m so glad you exist” because it was a direct response to them wishing that they didn’t. i also started sending four words to their dms “hey, are you okay?” which led to conversations, which led to relationships, which led to my re-education as it were, which led to where i am today on instagram, talking with many young people... i say talking, but it’s mostly listening... letting them know they are seen, they are heard, they’re not alone, and that the world is better with them in it. i won’t say that it has been easy. it was quite a shock to my system actually, coming face to face with horrific trauma and mental illness, all while being unable to hug them or even look them in the eyes. sleepless nights, texts at 2am, tears... so many tears. however, today i can confidently say i wouldn’t trade it for the world. it has hands-down become one of the greatest blessings in my lifetime, and i know i am where i’m meant to be. the last two years have been a whirlwind of writing poetry, my niche being haikus, and educating myself on mental health. i have read books, taken a couple free mental health first aid courses, and am now in the middle of my online studies to become a mental health coach, but the youth i talk with will always be my best teachers. the funny and perhaps the most beautiful thing about this is: i see now that i can relate to these young people in part because my teenage years were by far the hardest years of my life. i also was depressed. i also was suicidal. therefore, i have been able to draw from a deep place of compassion and empathy i had covered up in forgetfulness long ago, which has made me a great listener. in loving them, i am loving my younger self. in being a safe person for them, i am becoming a safe person for myself, and that is invaluable. they think that i’m someone special, but i know that they are also very special. i treat them like i desired to be treated when i was younger and even now. they are some of my favorite humans in this world, and i love them dearly. i’ve found great purpose here within the pain, and i wouldn’t change a thing. now i write for them.

•thanks for journeying with me •

Joanna

follow me on instagram @ijustholdthepen