My Escape

Sometimes I just want to cry from all the thoughts that replay within my head. I want to run and hide, travel somewhere far far away. Where I cannot be found.

Avoid the reality I face and all of my responsibilities. I need to escape! Break free from this mundane, and mediocre life. I want to live and not just survive!

I want to be adventurous, live free, and feel alive. Now that my kids are grown what is stopping me!

Somewhere over the years that strong, brave girl, that let curiosity get the best of me, has been hidden. Pushed towards the back of my mind.

The kind, sweet, softer side was filled with a cold heart and a bitter soul.

Life's little anxieties and insecurities that once were not even the slightest speck have grown and blown up to an unproportional size.

Like the tides of the waves can turn with no surprise. I find life's unpredictableness may be my demise.

As I was younger, I tried to numb all the pain inside with that good old fire water. My go to when life's little stresses got to me. They tried to drag me down and keep me there.

I've learned as I've gotten older and had to take responsibility.

As a single mom, trying to keep the lights on and a roof over our heads. To keep food on the table and clothes on our backs. I have realized I am not the same person that I used to be!

I used to laugh more and feel carefree. Smile a bit more, and my eyes sparkled more brightly.

Now when I look into a mirror, I see that dead look behind my eyes. I feel the feelings of defeat trying to creep up inside.

The tightness in my chest, and the shortness of breath. The nausea I feel in the center of my stomach. The feeling of my head filling with pressure. The stresses in life trying to steal from our pleasure.

The struggle is real, and not as easy to fight. Things take their toll just a little bit more. The things that would not have even gave me the slightest bother now feel like an implosion just waiting to happen.

A day to be expected. One where I unravel and start to fall apart. Caused by the things that surround me and are out of my control. Just one little thing to shift my whole universe.

So, I sit here and contemplate as I Iook back. Praying one day things will go back to the way they once were.

If only I could reverse time! But keep all the knowledge that I have gained over the years.

I would go back and make different decisions. The important decisions that have affected our little family. I would have made sure that my ex was held accountable. Harassed that child support agency in hopes he would become a better father.

I would have done a better job at teaching my kids wrong from right. Kept a better eye on their friends and what they were getting into. Keeping them out of trouble and reassuring them to come to me no matter the problem.

I would not have bought a house but continued to rent. To have more money to take my kids to more events. Like motocross sports, and stomp performances at the theater.

I would have only gone to school for my associates degree. Not wasting anytime, I could have had with others as I attended school at night. I would have stayed at some crappy job with less responsibility.

I would have tried to spend as much time as possible with my kids as they grew up, being happy, feeling blessed, and creating lifelong memories!