my demons came back today

April 13, 2025

Dear Journal,

A month ago, I was preaching body love and acceptance.

Today, I wish I stayed in bed, safe from the sudden return of the demons residing in the mirror.

***

They didn't come back the first time I looked in the mirror this morning. I smiled, and my reflection smiled back at me. Looking back, though, it wasn't as big and joyful as it's been the past few weeks. There was sadness there, weighing down on the corners of my mouth, turning such a simple thing as grinning into the last bit of exercise you push out after an intense workout.

Perhaps the demons did walk by at that moment. I don't know.

For a moment, I debated diving back into the warmth of my blankets and reading (maybe writing) the day away. But I made a promise to my mom and sister to go on a girl's day with them - just some clothes shopping and lunch before grabbing a treat from Starbucks and a sizable grocery haul.

So, I got dressed and ping-ponged between my Kindle and writing while I waited.

What's the point of getting more clothes, when the ones you have on are getting tighter?

The longer I sat there, the more painful jabs my demons tossed at me.

Why torture yourself today? Not even your own body looks good on you today.

Go back to bed. Be Karen. "Cough, cough, I'm sick." (I doubt there are few people who don't know where I got that from.) Not a jab per se, and seemingly the most helpful statement from the darkness fogging up my mind today.

And of course, because my demons are so unoriginal - fat. Fat. Fat.

Before, when they screamed insults constantly, I think I got used to the demons, kind of like a toxic friend that latches on, sucking anything good entering your body. Plus, the old adage is true - if you hear it enough times, you’ll start to believe it. After that mindset was ingrained deeply into every corner of my head, how much more pain could the demons really toss my way? It wasn’t as if my mental health wasn’t already in the sewer, so how much more yucky could I feel?

This time, it was much, much worse. I was scrambling, trying to wash the grime away as my demons poured it on. My mind was racing and I literally felt sick. I could feel my happiness and healed self-image begging for my help as my demons laughed at my misery.

I know why: Because I knew what was happening this time and I felt like I failed. I had worked so hard and I thought they were gone, which was foolish because I know mental health struggles can come in so easily with the tides. Then they were just back.

I thought my demons were almost defeated.

...

They know my secrets & won't let me go, won't let me go.

***

I should have told my mom and sister to run away from me today.

That thought echoed in my mind almost all day.

There's this song I've played so many times since Alessia Cara's newest album release. She keeps telling her lover to run away because they feel unworthy of them; she will just weigh them down with all of her issues.

You're light as helium,

What if I drag you down?

I happened to listen to it again today and in my mind, I became the star of my own music video. While my mom and sister were having fun, I was singing to them to get away from me because I didn't want to be the Debbie Downer of their day.

In the first clothing store we went into, I was spared from having to look in the mirror, since I picked out a few shirts I knew would fit me without having to try them on. Maybe that's why I didn't closely look at anything else though; I wanted a break.

I wasn't so fortunate at the next store.

Have you ever seen a carnival mirror? I felt I was standing in front of one when I tried on a dress, and my demons poked my reflection's huge gut, almost drawing me to tears. But my mom kept saying how beautiful I looked, so in part to appease her and the other part, hoping I would think differently the next time I put it one, I bought it and a cute sunflower skirt.

I wish I could say those sunflowers brighten my day. They merely pissed me off, so bright and cheery despite the ocean of darkness they floated in.

Should have known how loud the demons were if I was getting ticked off by a bunch of fake sunflowers.

It could have stopped there. I had a chance to stop the demons from blaring to deafening levels the moment my mom posed the question.

"Do you want to go to one last store?"

And I stupidly said, "yes."

There was a dress I found and tried on. When I looked in the mirror, it started happening - the distortion. Not trusting what I saw, I went and got a second opinion.

"How do you feel in it?"

"Fine."

"Really, because you're covering your stomach."

Something raged inside me when my little sister said that. It wasn't that I wasn't, but I could hear what she meant, that I didn't seem comfortable. I stormed away and rushed to take the dress off. (If I could have ripped it off, I would have.)

I thought it was because I was peeved at her, and not getting the dress was my pettiness speaking. Now, now, I'm not sure. Maybe the anger at her was because deep inside, I knew she was right.

So yeah, today, my demons got the better of me, just like they used to do.

**********************************************************************

April 14, 2025

"The sun will come out tomorrow."

It's amazing what a night's sleep can do.

The demons are still around, but they're just sort of hovering, reminding me they aren't leaving anytime soon.

I wanted to take a moment to remind myself of something that got lost in all the noise from yesterday.

It's been months since things turned around with my body image. At some point, I got cocky, and dumbly believed my struggle was over. Something like this, it's never over. It fades into the background until time eventually brings it back to the surface.

Then with time, it will yet again fade like nightmares sometimes do when you wake up.