My Cheese Slid

It was a breathtakingly beautiful day. The sky deep blue, with hints of the night's storm still on the horizon, dotted with clouds, most of them mere wisps of white, others looking so fluffy as to give a great night's rest, and a few with what looks a little bleeding of the darkness from the night. The sun, mostly seen, yet periodically hidden behind one of the clouds, was warm, but not the same warmth as Summer, which is good since the green ground is scattered with the leaves of Fall. The leaves on the ground not nearly as bright as those still on the tree branches. Looking into the sky through the reds, oranges, golds and even some greens to the blue sky dotted with clouds, fed a sense of wonder, hope, and curiosity.

Tilting my face toward the sun, I closed my eyes and allowed the light of the sun to warm my face, and because "The brain's pineal gland benefits directly from the sun stimulation.*" I saw plays of light, dots, lines, and colors, I felt the touch of cool in the warm breeze that brushed my face, there was snow coming. I heard leaves blowing in the wind. I heard birds chirping, rustling in the dry leaves, a distant dog barking, and ... was that ... the sound of ... water, running water, like a stream?

The lightness I felt at all the marvels of the day, if possible, lightened even more. I LOVE water, and moving water is my favorite. The sound. The play of light across the water's surface. Watching things like the colorful leaves floating by. Seeing fish, animals, birds. I love being around water.

I opened my eyes, gathered a few things from the picnic, some crackers, cheese, a bottle of water, and headed toward the sound.

Walking often closing my eyes to feel the leaves shade the light and warmth of the sun, only for the breeze to blow and feel the warmth again. I love Fall, the colors, the sounds, the feel, I love being out in Fall. I was relishing it all, filled with gratitude, joy, and hope.

I opened my eyes, feeling hungry, I took a cracker out, a piece of cheese, placed it on the cracker, and as I lifted it to my mouth, the cheese began to slide.

I just watched it.

The cheese slid to the side of the cracker, balanced there, teetered, and fell off, I watched it tumble away, and I stared as it hit the surface of a puddle disappearing. The only proof the cheese existed, were the rings on the surface of the water.

There I stood, watching as the rings first so clear, and close, one after another, then more space between them, then they didn't seem so clear, and soon, the water's surface was smooth.

I squatted for a closer look, while deep and murky in someplace, unable to see anything but darkness, there were other spots I could see sticks, stones, leaves that got trapped under one of them and waved ever so slightly with the diminishing ripples. There, next to the flapping leaf, at the edge of the darkest place, there was my cheese, dangling precariously over the darkness, and I watched helplessly as it slid into it.

There, still in the splendor and magnificence of Fall that I had just been reveling in, there, in the early Fall of 2016, my cheese slid. I was living a nice life, in a nice home, in a nice town. I was happily married. I had 4 wonderful children. My life was the same as it was the second before, but I no longer was, my cheese had slid. Like many of us, I had been watching it slide for a while and did nothing, now, I plunged into darkness, darkness like I have never known.

I was terrified of the people around me, I no longer trusted them. I did not feel safe when they were home, and I would hide in a walk- in closet with my supplies. During the day I cooked meals, did laundry, cleaned the house, took care of the kids, but when the adults came home I went downstairs into my closet. I didn't leave the house. My husband tells me this lasted for 3 months before I remember saying, "I think I need some help."

From that moment in 2016 to this in 2020, I have found many things in my healing journey, this is the start of sharing the stories, the Conscious Balderdash if you will, of that journey, I do so hoping to let just one person know, they are not alone.

All people, all wounds are not the same, neither is what will bring hope or healing.

Love, Light, and gentle hugs to you,

Momma O

*https://philmaffetone.com/sun-and-brain/#:~:text=The%20hypothalamus%20also%20regulates%20the,hours%20that%20protects%20our%20skin.

*https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kwQPLWBufG4

*https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZX6KHfs-ccE