My Antidepressant Became My Girlfriend and Soulmate

After 17 years of battling both anxiety and depression, I am 35 now, and not knowing what was happening to me exactly, I decided to go for the head-med about a year ago.

It was easy, really. Getting a prescription medication for anxiety-depression has always been a walk in the park, or so I’d heard. And it was more than true. I had one sitting with a psychiatrist and walked out with the prescription. Easy Peasy, Lemon Squeezy!

What do having anxiety-depression cycles feel like? I am sure you know that there are many lists of symptoms for it. Let me be brutally honest with you. It’s difficult to explain because it colors a different painting on each canvas. The primary colors could be limited, but the final product is always different. Moreover, it keeps changing every now and then, depending on how the day is going.

I had most of all the common symptoms of anxiety and depression. The funny thing here is that you could even end up finding the Holy Grail, but it’s really impossible to find the cause and consequence of anxiety-depression cycles. Is anxiety the cause of depression or is it the consequence? Chicken or the egg? Nobody knows…

My body tolerated the drug very well. I didn’t have any crazy side effects that initially scared the hell out of me. I was both anxious and hopeful about the outcome.

Guess what? 3 weeks into it, my sleep improved, thought loops decreased, fear of uncertainty nose-dived, and energy levels shot up to some extent. It’s all just a placebo, you may think. I don’t know. Maybe. Maybe not. I may have considered your opinion with all my heart. But for one thing. The drug took away my libido. Now, that really happened. I could feel it spiral down into an abyss.

When one door closes, another better one awaits to be opened, they say. That’s what happened to me. I wasn’t sad for one minute about what had happened. I just couldn’t be sad. That was because of all the positive replacements I got. For the first time in my life, I started having real hope. I finally came out of the ever-so-numbing cloud that was hindering my dreams, disabling me in many ways, locking me up in my room so that I could stay away from people and from the world.

For the first time, I was experiencing true bliss: I was free of anxious thoughts, able to sleep better, and, most importantly, my focus had skyrocketed to the point where I began reading books every day. Crime thrillers with Jack Reacher, Alex Cross, and all that stuff… Oh, that’s not a big deal, you may say… To me, it was…

I’ve always had huge issues holding my focus on written content. It wasn’t easy. And I didn’t know why. Now, I am able to do it. I enjoy my new hobby for all it’s worth… I have finished reading more than 50 books in the past few months. I am really proud of myself. It became a part of me.

The world around me started moving slower than before I started my medication. I started walking slowly and peacefully. I have a better awareness of things going on around me. Maybe that’s how most healthy people feel. But for me, it felt good and satisfying.

My inner restlessness made me live on the edge every moment when I was awake and even when I was sleeping. I am a poor sleeper, have always been. That’s a bonus for anxious people. One has to deal with it. It also prevented me from holding my focus on movies, TV series, and even news reports. I don’t remember the last time I really enjoyed a movie. It must have been when I was a kid.

The medication decreased the restlessness I had due to anxious nerves and made me live in the moment, which is extremely difficult for anxious people. Now I am able to derive pleasure from many subtle things. And I like it.

My thought process and clarity of thoughts changed quite drastically. All in my favor, I guess. Who wouldn’t want it? I certainly wanted it. I got good at making rational decisions much better than before. And that’s good.

When all this good stuff was happening, I was losing my sex drive. To the point where I no longer miss dating, love-making, and all other related fun and frolic. And that’s ok too.

You see, I’ve started writing on Medium. This is also one other positive change in me. I am more open to the world now. Oh, by the way, I’ve only published 7 articles so far on Medium and all 7 got curated. I’m not bragging. Just saying…

I learned to embrace all the new attributes that have surfaced in me and not worry about what I don’t have. I like my new girlfriend. She has helped me pull out everything I thought I had but didn’t know how to reach. She is very tolerable and doesn’t give me a hard time. She has brought harmony and purpose to my life. I am able to do things that I couldn’t do before. And I like that.

What’s more? Life’s good. I wake up every morning with a purpose: to enjoy the day to the fullest. I crave getting back home from work and starting to read and write. And that’s fantastic. I don’t forget to interact with my girlfriend. It only takes 5 seconds and she is wise enough to do the rest inside me;)

I have only one piece of sincere heartfelt advice for those who are sailing a similar boat as mine. Just don’t lose hope. Try your best to deal with your issues without having to pop pills. However, don’t suffer.

I did not mention one thing deliberately as I did not want you to lose hope while reading the first part of my story. The medication that has worked for me was my 4th antidepressant. I had my rough journey with the other 3. Also, make sure you are eating, sleeping, and hydrating well. If you choose to reach for the prescription, go for it and keep your fingers crossed. You may as well be lucky to hit the bull’s eye with your first medication. And I am sure you will feel just like how I am feeling right now once you stumble upon the right pill for you.

Alright, now you might ask me, where does the soulmate part fit into all this? I am getting there. If you walked in my boots, you would feel the way I feel. You would understand that everyone has an inexplicable struggle or two that they have to overcome to experience real happiness and harmony in this life. If you’ve read this far, you’ll appreciate why I consider my medication as a soulmate.

Thank you for taking the time to read.

Love, peace, and bliss

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