Masked Perceptions

“You don’t understand,” I said. I heard my voice break, and I knew I was going to start crying again. I had marched into my doctor’s office for the third time since returning to work from COVID like someone demanding to see the manager. Yet as soon as I had started to explain why I was there, again, the embarrassing tears streamed down my exhausted face. “I Have to work,” I explained, “there has to be some way to fix this!”

I had tested positive for COVID in April 2020 after feeling sick most of March. Yet in July I was still dizzy all day long, dealing with horrible fatigue, frustrating brain fog, and shortness of breath. While I was recovering from COVID, I was also working on a COVID unit in an area that was having a spike. I felt like I was losing my body and my mind. I was certain that somewhere in our giant world of Western medicine there was a magic pill that would get me through or some test that would tell me exactly what was wrong.

Instead, my doctor encouraged me to pray more, and talk to a therapist who could help me deal with this “new normal” that I suddenly found myself in.

Yes, my Doctor literally sent me out of the office with a “prescription” for “thoughts and prayers.”

I was dumbfounded.

However, after careful consideration, I had to admit that there was some wisdom in what he was saying. Some days “thoughts and prayers” are the only things that get any of us through these difficult times. As a nurse, I have often talked to patients about how to use “thoughts and prayers” to help them get through times when they felt like they could not catch their breath.

When someone feels like they can’t breathe, the body automatically kicks into a “fight/flight/freeze” mode that actually increases the sensation that your breathing is getting worse. I stand over folks as we turn up the oxygen and walk them through how to pray or use their thoughts to “turn down the volume” of their body’s natural response to distress. That way they can truly feel the air that they are breathing and help their body to slow down. We have learned it is important to be able to know how to talk to your body to keep it working efficiently when it is in distress. We have also learned that it helps when you know someone has heard your distress and is working on it.

I realize that I am one small nurse who has been short of air while wearing a mask. Still, I want to assure the public that we medical folks do understand how hard it is. The economy is struggling in ways we have never seen before. Neither the media nor the government has been consistently helpful. Whether or not you had the COVID virus affect your body, we are all struggling through a little of what we call “long COVID.” This has been around for a year now. We are all getting tired. I see an ever-increasing, but human, “fight/flight/freeze” reaction spreading across our nation.

So, I understand why covering your nose and mouth feels like just one more way that you are being muted so that you don’t have to be heard. I can see why it makes you feel like you cannot get enough air.

I understand why you are frustrated.

Still, I am asking you all to consider that there might be a different way to think about wearing a mask. While putting on your mask allows you to feel yourself breathing in an unusual way, maybe this is actually a good thing for all of us.

First: my thoughts and my prayers for everyone putting on a mask are that you feel that breath and know you can hang in there. I hope that you are reminded of your value and your purpose. May you make each breath count.

Second: as you and I sit in our masks, we could say a few prayers or send out some good thoughts for our fellow Americans right now. We could help “turn down the volume” in ourselves and each other. Because regardless of where we all stand on what issue, we could all agree that we are all just humans.

Take a breath. Blow it out. And as it bounces back at you that a mask is also a good reminder that without a few good “thoughts and prayers” we are ALL full of a little hot air. It is ok. So is the next person.

I believe in our power to be awesome and to continue healing from this long COVID thing, together.