Love and trauma

Hello friends,

I also want to include people who I might never befriend as well. I'm writing this in hopes that maybe telling my story and situation leads to what my next step is. In order to understand the love and trauma, you must first take a look into my dark and ominous past. Maybe one day I'll come back and tell the full story because I might want to write a book one day.

I will give you the basics though so that you can understand some of the contexts. My mother is a terrible person. She abused me and destroyed my childhood. I was tortured, beaten, and exposed to things children should never have to endure. I was held against my bedroom wall trembling as my own mother held a butcher knife to my throat. "I will kill you, your sister and, then myself." She yelled in my face. I still remember the cold blade being pushed against the skin on my neck and being drenched with her saliva. Later that evening when my stepfather "Jay" got home, I was beaten one of the worse times I can remember. I was left with a black, blue, and swollen face. My knee was purposely disabled and I learned how alone in the world I am. I was often locked in a metal shed for hours at a time as another punishment... It goes much deeper but I think this is enough to get the point across.

I am diagnosed with C-PTSD which comes with an amazing bundle of disadvantages. Since I was never loved correctly as a child, it took me years to learn the damage that it did. I haven't let it defeat me but it never seems to get easier. I'm writing this in hopes that I can maybe one day someone will read this and have the motivation to keep moving on. This may not get many reads or anything but it still feels amazing to get this off my chest.

I was diagnosed with a rare autoimmune disease at the age of 18 that is slowly destroying my body. Due to this condition, I even had aseptic meningitis. I was hospitalized for over a week in the ICU and this was only a few years ago. I'm riddled with nightmares at night and pain during the day. It makes me feel like less of a man because I can't provide in the "typical" way. It has never stopped me though but honestly, it has stalled me many times. I was dealt with some terrible cards but I've always managed to make it to the next round. How many more rounds can I go? I ask myself questions that everyone else asks themselves every day but I have to keep in mind that I can't change my past even though it drastically affects my future.

Shall I continue this venture writing? Do people care enough to hear my story? Does the message I have really have meaning? Am I just crying to random people wanting some kind of recognition or attention that I never received? I don't know the answers but I'm gonna continue to do what I feel is right and follow my gut instinct because not everyone can be bad in this world... Right?

All we can do is try to remain positive and I do that on a daily with the intention of growth. I hope you can resonate with my message and even if you don't, I can have one person tell me that they loved my stories and it helped them make it through another day and I will feel accomplished. If you know someone that can use this to their advantage make sure to share it with them. I might reveal myself at a point later on because the music I make has a powerful message as well.

This was an opener for many more stories as well as more details into what has made me become who I am today. Thank you for taking the time to read this and be sure to let me know if you would like me to continue or if you would like to read more into my hellish past. If you don't care well... You don't have to read it. I'm a huge advocate for mental health awareness and I'm hoping to change the world in any way that I can. Big dreams, I know but that is what continues to drive me. I hope maybe I can help someone find their drive as well. I plan on sharing some of the coping mechanisms I have learned over the years from therapists with hopes that maybe I can help someone out who doesn't have the courage to speak up or share their own stories.

Much love to you all! Until next time

Anon<3