Lost

Where to begin? I am not sure how to tell my story, sometimes it doesn't even feel like my own. I wish it wasn't. But, here goes...

I am the seventh child of 8 children. The absoulute youngest is my twin, who is just 11 minutes younger than myself. We were born in Quebec, Canada, but moved to Ontario when we were wee little things.

My mother was a woman who endured severe abuse at the hands of her father. He was a WWII veteran. He served the Italians and the Germans and had a very twisted view of how the world should be. When I was born, being of Italian and Native heritage (abomination), I was already disowned by him. My mother, who never got to heal from her past, was disowned as well. Disowning was the one thing my family was good at. They were very stubborn Italians from Calabria, Italy.

The person who was suppose to protect me and guide me through life, to make me an honourable person who can integrate into society, and give back to the community. That did not happen. Instead, what guides me through life not is fear, anxiety, and the inability to move forward with my life. The constant stuck feeling that I fear is who I am now, for I have experienced it for as long as I can remember.

The woman who raised me, shouldn't be called "My Mother." She should be called the gaslighting, narcisstic monster who failed any attempt of getting me ready for this world. I grew up being told that I would never be good enough, pretty enough, or successful enough to live a life worth living. Even though I was one of 8 children, I was not raised with all of my siblings. I was raised with the last 3, that women gave birth to. One older brother, who was a year older, and my twin. As twins, we are fraternal. I am a girl, and my twin is a boy. Being the only girl.....how dare I get born.

My brothers got everything they wanted, and in return, they were the monsters minions. They did her bidding for her, and usually that would mean bullying or beating me. She poisoned their minds against me. I was just a child, I could not understand why they had all hated me so much. Or, what I had done to deserve it all. When she wanted them to beat me, they would beat me. When she wanted to be backed up with her beating me herself, they would back her up. When she taunted me, and destroyed my spirit with harsh words, they backed her up. They would help "punish" me on a daily basis. This is how I grew up....

Now, here I am, as an adult of 43. I have been lost for a while now. The monster dead since 23. After 20 years, I still have not found my way. My days are riddled with anxiety and the fear of living. I have eliminated all contact with any family member that was related to the monster. I don't connect well with others, I am alone.

It hurts, and the fear is too much, I am alone. Saying the words aloud in my mind doesn't bring any revelations, only the realizations that....I am alone.