Lost in a World That Maybe Doesn't Want Me

How does one "talk" to a therapist? Like, I never understood how to unload on them with anything.

I know I need to see one. I've needed to see one for a lot of things. Not being good socially, I feel makes it difficult for me to just be like, "Hey, this this this this." I don't—I don't know.

Lately, things are hard on me. My mind keeps wandering into a dark space; I feel lonely, sad, empty.

I always catch myself in moments where I thought I was feeling or doing a little bit better since the incident, but it always comes back. I don't know how to reach out... I've always been bad at that. I know there are people I could; I've been told the, "Hey, we are here for you," crap, but I feel like I've gotten so used to the wrong people saying that and then not, that I hear it and nod, but I don't approach it. I get anxious and sick feeling when I go to even make the slightest attempt, then shy away from it. I don't know how to not feel this way and it just makes me wanna cry or something. I try and carry on with my day, but it really puts a damper on things, like I end up being spaced out in my thoughts and sulking, or just fidgeting at my desk not doing too much.

I had a professional person once on the phone trying to work with me on bill extensions... and like, I don't know, he asked why and told me to explain my situation—I did and his response was, "I got advice for that."

I responded with, "Hmm, what is it?" and he told me go find a nice, high bridge and jump off it, and hung up. Like, excuse me for being honest about how I am going through things; and, well, at the time, it made me think about what he said. Obviously I did not do it; like, sure I have suicidal thoughts, but I was not going to go do that. If anything, it made me feel really hurt and sad that it was said to me. I put my phone down and just stared at it.

I'm very stuck on not feeling good enough or having any self worth these days. They got worse after the rape a few months back. I just felt dirty. I keep taking multiple showers because I do not feel clean. Sometimes, it turns into me just kneeling in the shower, holding myself and crying. How could someone who once was my friend even do that?

I'm not great at making friends, so this tears me down even more.

I have a social problem. I don't know how to talk to people, and am typically really anxious.

Sometimes I've found moments where I think I am making a new friend, but then I guess it doesn't turn out that way. Usually it is thrown at me; I'm too quiet, or I'm not very exciting or interesting. Too awkward, I don't party, and it apparently makes me a buzzkill. Or even because after being asked for a video call, awkward or random silences. I can't help it really, and I always feel sorry and apologetic for it because I have gotten attacked for it so much that I feel like I am doing something bad or wrong.

I don't know. I wish I was good at making friends though because I don't have much for that. One day maybe.

There was a guy I dated once, when I used to talk a lot and laugh a lot more. I did online work to pay my bills and share of rent while he went to work at a retail store. He got real stressed out of nowhere, and it grew and grew, and I tried to be supportive. What I was met with was being backhanded across the face, yelled at about how it wasn't fair I could hang with anyone and be home while he went to work. I cried. I stayed. I didn't know how to leave and put my foot down on it. Following him coming home drunk and beating the heck out of me, backing me into a corner, leaning over me as I held my head crying. Hyperventilating, telling me how shit I am, dumb, stupid, worthless, useless I am. How things that made me, me—personality quirks he once loved, all of a sudden turned into, "I'm trash," and he never did. I got really quiet after that. Nothing was the same. For the rest of the year, I was mute. When I did start talking again—well, here I am now struggling with it. No longer able to embrace my awkward weird whatever I am.

I feel like I'm just here. Not really someone a person notices. My thoughts tangled, the words, my mouth doesn't work well enough to get them out.

I feel misplaced in this world.