Lost, and Six Months Alone

I, like most people, had one of the worst years imaginable in 2020. The pandemic is a given, naturally. But then I lost my sister, a beloved dog, and an Aunt in a matter of four months. I struggled with crippling depression throughout the year. Then a week shy of the anniversary of what I consider the start of the worst year ever (March 12th), and the day after I received my first dose of the Covid-19 vaccine, my ex sat me down and broke up with me, then moved out the next day. So this year, 2021, hasn't been much better in many ways.

It's been just over six months since the day she sat me down and talked with me. So I've had a lot of time to reflect on myself. Reflect on our relationship. Reflect on where I am in life. And while I've found faults with myself, areas where I need to improve and have made some tentative steps to that end, ultimately, I'm still in limbo. I'm not sure what to do or where I'm going, but I haven't been entirely dormant.

I've made adjustments to my diet, it's slow, but progress has been made. I've lost a bit of weight (a little over 30 pounds), but every day is a struggle on that front, and I've still got a long way to go. Baby steps. I do feel better physically overall.

I've grown closer to the dogs that I inherited (adopted) from my ex. I always like both of them, but we’ve become a team over the last six months. I've helped Ruger, the old man, with health issues and have the goal of giving them a comfortable life. I've found a sense of peace with both of them, sitting on the porch watching them wander about the yard and tossing the ball for Ruger.

I've taken tentative steps to do something I only dreamed I could do. Now, this thing is something that I want to keep under wraps until I have more experience and have more completed projects under my belt. Let's say I am excited, though, and I can't wait to start sharing this new step forward in life. When I feel ready, I’ll share it. Not just here, but with the world.

I've reconnected with a few old friends as well. This reconnecting has culminated in getting involved with a TTRPG online with a few folks that I haven't gamed with since high school, and that's been fun.

I've also been reading again. Comics, but still, that's great. And my podcast is active(ish) again. So that's great. I also keep a journal. It's boring and is primarily a replay of the daily events with occasional thoughts here and there. My ex gave them to me the day she left. Sort of a means of encouragement, I suppose. We still talk, her and I, though not in a significant way. It's nice to know how she is and what she's been up doing. We still care for each other, even if we couldn't be together anymore.

But... There's always a but...

Even though I am in an in-person game of D&D every other week, I don't get much social interaction outside of work. Online I suppose, but I don't count that. I don't have any close friends where I live. I go to work, hang out with my coworkers and do my job. Interact with the customers, which sometimes includes family and acquaintances. Then I come home to my dogs and the cat.

That's it. That's my life in a nutshell.

And when I think about it, despite rekindling old friendships through the online TTRPG game, that's about as deep as things go with that group of friends. And the in-person D&D game, well, I'm the old man of the group. The next most senior person is 16 years younger than me. The youngest person is 27 years younger. So it’s a fun group, but I feel a bit out of place.

Part of my issue is where I live and who I am. I grew up in this small region of Utah. My family is here, and I do interact with them, but they belong here. I don't. I don't fit in. My perspective on life doesn’t jive with this area or the opinions and thoughts of the people here. The close friends I did have either passed away or have moved apart from me in philosophical outlook to the point we cannot connect anymore. Or perhaps I've moved away from them.

The dating prospects are unappealing too. For one thing, I'm no great catch, and I honestly have a lot to improve in my own life before I inflict it on someone through a relationship. For another, well see above, there are not many women that I would be able to meet here that would click with my belief system and I with theirs.

So six months after the worst day of my life, I still don't know what the hell I'm doing. I have directions I could be going, one of which includes curling up into a ball and weeping uncontrollably every night, but no real push. I hope that I figure it out. Some days the world looks bright. Other days I feel like I'm drowning. I wish I knew.

I’ve spent the last six months alone, and I’ve survived. The dogs have helped. The cat too. I’m excited about the potential. But I’m not sure if the light at the end of the tunnel is the light of hope or a train. We’ll find out soon enough.