Lost and Found

Who turned on the faucets? I can't turn off my eyes. My whole body is crying via sweat. I've decided to kill my old self with exercise. Tiredness and emptiness blanket my existence, thoughts move in and out of sight. I miss them still. Now the tissues on the floor around me have formed a half-circle reminding me that I am still alive. Vicks puffs are the best for my raw nose, and obsessive-compulsive has to be some sort of foreplay for life itself.

My headspace is like sitting in a steam room and hoping not to run into the ghost of Christmas past, but if he does show up fingers-crossed he's got chocolate.After the day I've had I'd even welcome sugar-free chocolate. Death says hello. Waving. I heard he's got a summer home in Vegas. I just don't understand why he visits me so much? Death might possibly be having a love affair with life. Soulmates, sweet thought, but maybe death is just a hostage to humanity. Facts. They are still gone. No sugarcoating reality.

There is one tiny firefly in the dark abyss of my life. The funeral is soon. I wish I had a great story to tell you like my entire family survived the Batman ride. But that still leaves me in the front row of the big show where death has now become the new life sentence and I died in the process of breathing. Cars lined up, the piano music, the eye-numbing slideshow to kill me more as I watched my life flash before my swollen eyes. Thinking I wish I had my Vicks puffs now. All the open caskets brought on the rain, but in bleakness, it was nice out. I am always looking for my lighter. I am always looking for a light. I should have brought an umbrella and worn different shoes, too.

Yawning, I woke up the next day in a cold bathtub with a bad migraine and one new voicemail. Bixby, audio voicemail play. I heard, ''This is Modo and Modo Law please give Kitch, a call back at some random number.'' I thought great another debt collector or maybe I'm being sued again? Eyes rolling. I wasn't home and I wasn't going back home anytime soon. I had made up my mind but my "Don't Stop Believing'' ringtone started playing and I answered the almost dead phone.

Once I hung up, after having managed to find paper and pen to take notes on the beginning of the rest of my new life; I surprisingly found a beautiful chocolate lab manifested out of thin air, in my room and was sitting in front of the door, just looking at me. I stepped towards it and then realized as I reached out to touch it, that I was hallucinating. The dog then vanished. I was still holding the notes in my hand puzzling as I questioned whether the entire thing was real or not.

The notes looked like this. Hello Modo. Kitch. Little Black Book. Will-Family. Money. Eurostep (I thought to myself is that like dubstep?). Moleskine. Penguin(s)? 833-809-9087. Receiving package. I glanced at my stick figure. But nothing about the Holy Grail though, which at this point I really thought it was going to get discussed. 2 Days Past...

The package was finally hand-delivered, in leather wrapping. It took all my energy to even open it after I closed the front door. The wrapping smelled of leather and inside was a little black notebook that changed my life. To keep it brief, here are the highlights of the letter.

Dear Me,

After reviewing, Modo and Modo, hereby notifies the funded to the Only Daughter to the owner of Moleskine Company, $25 Billion, plus rights and trademark.

Note within:

Dear Daughter, Here is my first Moleskine Notebook. Your new life awaits. Dad. P.S. I'll be in touch soon and I will explain everything then.

Blacked out... I woke up on the floor because, you guessed it, I fainted. Oh my God, where is my lighter? Thoughts scrambling every which way. Was I adopted? The scene from Lion King plays through my head, Timone yells out "what's going on here?!" To spare you the details of the hows, whys, who, and all the questions just know that I had to lose everything to get something. I still miss them and every day is hard without them. That will never change. The deaths of an old life gave birth to a new life wrapped in leather with cream-filled pages.

Oh, and my new dog Atom says hello by the way. Yes, I broke down and got a dog, a real one. We are in therapy together. I understand family can never be replaced. I ended up selling the house. Marrying life and infusing it with love and husband kisses. I am learning about my new father and the business side of life, but never in all my dreams could I have ever imagined my life happening like this. I learned how to be grateful through the grief.