Loss

Loss comes in like a wave of sorrow and is magnified by the amount of previous loss we have endured and whether we have the emotional support to survive the pain.

Loss happened when I was 8-years-old, and I experienced a twenty-foot fall off a barn. Loss continued with the concussion I received. Loss was the lack of care and understanding from my parents. Loss was the excruciating realization that I don’t remember who I am. Loss was pretending I was still the person before the concussion. Loss was knowing that person no longer existed.

Loss was the increasing anger I had towards my family, who demeaned me when I didn’t meet their expectations. Loss was my parents' eventual decision that I was too faulty and not worthy of their care or respect. Loss was the two moments I tried to take enough pills to end my life. Loss was giving up on myself.

Loss was the day my mother told my father that he had to choose between her and me. Loss was having to leave home at 15-years-old. Loss was reaching out to my mother to understand why. Loss was learning my mother disliked me since I was 3 years old. Loss was remembering my mother saying she didn't want me when I was 9-years-old. Loss was understanding I was alone my whole life.

Loss was the years of pain, neglect, and abuse I endured. Loss was the lack of self-care and self-respect. Loss was pretending to be what others expected of me while letting them treat me badly. Loss was being a teenage mom of two in an abusive relationship. Loss was leaving one abusive situation for another. Loss was asking my parents to take me and my children into their home only to hear my mother say that she would take me but not my kids. Loss was having no resources to be the mother I wanted to be for my children. Loss was having no support and continuing to get into unhealthy relationships. Loss was not knowing those relationships were not good for me. Loss was wanting to punish myself for being so faulty.

Loss was believing it was all my fault. Loss was wanting to kill myself because I hated my life. Loss was the inability to love myself, my family's inability to love me and the world's failure to see that I was suffering and needed help. Loss was realizing there were only two choices. Loss was knowing that my children needed me, and there was only one choice. Loss was understanding that I had to face my life.

Loss was having to reach out and let go of the fear. Loss was having faith in God and the universe. Loss was wanting to become a healthy person for my kids so I could offer them more. Loss was reaching out to a counsellor and being able to fully express emotions to another human being for the first time. Loss was understanding this would be a very long process.

Loss was making my children a priority, and letting go of self-pity. Loss was learning to invest time into others. Loss was learning to balance time for myself. Loss was creating space for pain. Loss would be knowing I haven't got all the answers for my kids but praying that my love would be enough. Loss was knowing I would have many moments of wanting to end my life. Loss would be saying no to suicide for my kids. Loss was knowing I felt more sadness because I had to stay alive.

Loss was that state of survival in which I lived my life. Loss was understanding that I pick men who lacked empathy. Loss was understanding that I surrounded myself with people who were unable to support me because they could not understand. Loss was trying to be an alcoholic and failing miserably. Loss was knowing I was strong because I was handling a lot without numbing the pain. Loss was understanding that people who are numbing the pain are like me. Loss was realizing I didn’t understand myself either. Loss was knowing I was not enough by myself for others, including my kids.

Loss was being diagnosed with Celiac and ADHD and laughing because it explained the inability to be an alcoholic. Loss was realizing that my brain could not function properly because I was not getting the nutrition it required. Loss was seeing some of the sadness go away on the gluten-free diet. Loss was gaining the ability to critically think. Loss was understanding why exercise is so integral in maintaining my health. Loss was recognizing it wasn't all my fault.

Loss was learning I had a lot of beliefs and inaccuracies to understand and learn from. Loss was letting go of denial. Loss was realizing some people that you love will leave. Loss was being so angry and reacting in another self-sabotaging way. Loss was losing everything again. Loss was understanding that some of it was my fault. Loss was understanding that some of it was due to a smear campaign that I did not deserve.

Loss was trying for years to be in my family. Loss was hearing but not fully understanding that my mother was a ableist and incapable of emotional intimacy. Loss was continuing to try to gain a connection to my mother. Loss was being disappointed. Loss was understanding that my mother would never value me. Loss was holding on anyway, hoping to have a relationship with my dad. Loss was recognizing that I denied the truth.

Loss was having a third brain injury and re-experiencing what I did as a little girl, but having the supports to become stronger. Loss was understanding that the expectations people had of me were challenging because of my disabilities. Loss was grieving all that I put myself through. Loss was learning to let go of the pain and establishing new friendships with people who understand. Loss was letting go of the self-loathing. Loss was acknowledging my limitations and learning to forgive myself.

Loss was realizing that I have to fully let go because I still have a life to live. Loss was learning to be okay with becoming brand new. Loss was figuring out that my lack of values and boundaries made me vulnerable. Loss was learning lessons and getting an education. Loss was realizing that my educational program goals were the expectations of others. Loss was changing my program. Loss was knowing that the pain will always be there.

Loss was spending time apologizing and forgiving others. Loss was letting go of hope and grieving who my parents will never be. Loss was having to disown my parents to be healthy. Loss was the sadness of every first holiday that I couldn't connect with them. Loss was knowing it was for the best.

Loss is choosing optimism and hope every day. Loss is the mixed feelings between despair and grief, and gratefulness. Loss is knowing the future is terrifying. Loss is doing it anyway and having faith that things will be okay. Loss is being able to stand up for my own values and beliefs despite obstacles. Loss is knowing that through difficulties, I am still okay and happy. Loss is essential because it gives us an appreciation for what we have endured and for the blessings we have.