Living with Bi-Polar Disorder

In July I got the news that I have depressive bi-polar disorder. I've already been on two medications for my depression for years, but something was always missing. I knew there was always another bit of me that was affecting my life, but I didn't know what.

I don't remember exactly why or how I realized I needed to talk to a psychiatrist about bi-polar but something I watched made me think to myself - "wait, this sounds familiar," "this sounds like what I've gone through so many times before. Am I bi-polar?" So I did it; I called and made an appointment to talk to someone.

I'm not going to say my worst fears came true, because it wasn't a "worst fear," or really any fear. There is a stigma surrounding this disorder, and mental illness in general, but I've always been open and upfront about my own mental health issues. Plus, there is much worse I could be diagnosed it; I know - I also have endometriosis. Anyways, learning that what I thought was true was almost relieving, because I knew I had a chance to fix my mistakes and my problems and I could start to live a normal life.

Since then, I've had that idea - I'll get medication and I'll live a normal life. I was wrong. Bi-polar disorder is as hard to manage as they say and I'm just now realizing it. It's affected my career, relationships, my own personal life; and I'm upset that it's not being taken care of with my medication. I might be losing my new job - the one I moved to California for, because I can't handle the workload. That really, truly sucks because I want to do well in my career and I want to build a good relationship with an employer.

I had kept the diagnosis from my new employer because I didn't want him to think less of me. Once he realized that my performance had changed negatively, I had to tell him in order to keep my job. Luckily, he was nice about it and very understanding, but it made me realize that while I thought I was managing it, I wasn't and it was affecting my job.

The longest job I kept was my last one, for over a year, before I lost it due to the pandemic. I moved to Tennessee from Arizona when I got the job and I had been wanting to work there for almost a year. It was this great nationally-recognized marketing agency in Knoxville and I finally got a job there. I had never even been to Tennessee before the interview, but my best friend was there, and I got this great job. I loved being there, and I thought it was the best time in my life. Though, through my unemployment and while in quarantine, I was able to go through and really analyze my time there. I wasn't making good choices; I was drinking a lot, spending money I didn't have, [very] casually seeing a coworker and really just being manic.

Of course, I hadn't been diagnosed with my BP yet, so I didn't know that something else was behind me making these bad decisions. I do also think that's one of the reasons they let me go over anyone else, when they had to downsize. I think it's also why they didn't hire me back when I reapplied. I shouldn't have to apologize for my BP, but I want to. I want to tell them I had reasons for acting how I did, and that I'm managing it now. And although I'm not in TN anymore, and I don't plan on going back, I feel like it's something I need to do. Should I?

Anyways, now knowing about my disorder and being on medication, I can't use that as an excuse. I still have the same issues and while the medication is helping with the root causes of BP, I'm not 100% and I don't think I ever will be. Having bi-polar disorder doesn't make you a bad person, it doesn't make you an untrustworthy person. It makes you human with a side of mental health illness. It's something I'll have to learn to live with and manage, just like my depression and my endometriosis, but I'm not ashamed and I'm not embarrassed.

If you meet someone with bi-polar disorder, or know someone with it, don't discriminate or think they're a bad person. We're just trying to get by, and have a harder time than everyone else. The pandemic, careers, relationships, friendships, money - everything that is involved in adulthood and this difficult time - it's harder on us than most.