Life is Like Waves

I thought facing my inner demons that have haunted me since high school was a challenge. But now I realize there is just one more skeleton in the closet I needed to finally face and bury the last thing that brought me the most gut-wrenching pain I’ve ever felt. I thought high school was a challenge, but nothing came close to preparing me for what I would eventually endure in college. I originally thought after moving away to go to college in the deep south would be a fresh start for me. It was just me and only 2 other people from my high school were going to the same college, and at least I can say those two never did anything wrong to hurt me.

The first week was fine, and nothing was wrong. I was honestly happy to be away from the family that hurt me more than anything from their verbal and physical abuse I had to endure over the years. I thought I was finally free from all the things that I thought could hurt me. But I should have known that everything I was feeling was actually a false sense of comfort wrapping around my eyes.

I honestly and truly thought I was going to be having a great group of friends where I could for once feel accepted and loved. So, I ended up joining several clubs, and a sports team. I was also really hoping to join a sorority but that ended up being a complete disaster from the start, and my biggest mistake was trying way too hard to join one. I saw how they loved and treated each other almost like a family. But I didn’t know at that time it was all just a lie because I never realized that it was all just a show and being fake to hide their true colors. This one sorority I was close to getting in on bid day, I had got the call that morning that I did not get in, and I was beyond devastated. I loved this one originally because it was founded close to where I was from but, now I know it was for the better. I admit I tried repetitively to get in almost every single year, and I even tried talking to a few of them about how much I want to be apart of it. Which I admit I shouldn’t have kept pressing them about it. But I was just so alone in my life I literally had almost no one, I didn’t have many friends from high school anymore, and I didn’t have a family that gave me the proper kind of love everyone deserves to have. I wanted to be in a sorority because I wanted to be loved and accepted; and have that feeling of what it means to be a part of a family. I admit it I was too fragile and weak to just accept that it would never happen for me and walk away from it. I really wish I did because, I found out 3 years later that this whole time they started a horrible reputation about me by saying I cause fights with all the Greek life which is not true. Plus, one of my friends that was in that sorority told me, that one of them told a lot of people that I assaulted her, and I beat her up which I obviously didn’t do. It upsets me that a lot of people honestly think and believe I did that. Because if I did which I didn’t I wouldn’t be working at the current job I have right now since I had to go through a background check. I wish my fellow colleagues would have at least common sense to know if I had assaulted her I would have been in jail and kicked out of college. Plus, there were too many things that they should have connected the dots with by asking me like when, where, how, and why? To this day I don’t know why she did it because I only spoke and talked to her one time at a sporting event where she and I were both supporting our teammates. What she didn’t know was what kind of a home background I came from and how much I had endured enough. I never told a soul what my family was like but, I really wish she too had known before spreading lies about me; especially something like that. Just because I was hurt by other people that doesn’t mean for a split second, I would ever be just like them.

I was told about this reputation by my teammate and on that night the second she told me “You have a reputation, and I knew about it but, I wanted to at least give you a chance to get to know you better”. The second she said that there were no words to describe that kind of pain I felt. I could literally feel the blood draining from my face because of how numb I was feeling. I could not breath and I was sobbing uncontrollably, it was awful. Every single worst kind of emotion had just completely enveloped me from feeling worthless, humiliated, and isolated, because I had no one to defend or protect me. As I‘m writing this, I can literally still feel what I felt that night. At that point I was losing my desire to live, I had nothing to live for that made me want to see another day. I literally snapped, I was just beside myself I honestly felt my insides crumbling and smashing like broken glass. As I sat outside, I just kept looking up at the night sky wishing I could just leave this college. I begged for years after the first year to leave because my only friend I‘d met my first year had already graduated and gone, and I was all alone. I did have a few friends but a lot of them transfered or dropped out. But if it wasn’t for a few students that saw me so upset that night and were showing that they genuinely cared after they asked what was going on; I would have stopped seeing the good in everyone.

This was honestly the worst moment in my whole life I never thought I would have a mental breakdown. I thought the abusive household was painful but, that kind of pain and hurt doesn’t compare to what other people at my own college did to me. I felt like it was true even though I was in denial about it at first, it doesn’t matter where I go, I will have problems everywhere I go. I already failed with trying to have a normal high school life now I felt like I failed at college. This was once again another time in my life where I wish I had better social skills, and a better backbone. But if it wasn’t for all the mistreatment I had endured since I was a child, I know my life probably would have turned out differently. Then again, I realized I made my own mistakes that I did to myself which I will admit. But that doesn’t mean I deserved what was inflicted on me for the most part.

I knew that night after hearing about the reputation, I have to learn to start looking more within myself and look at my flaws and imperfections. I was broken inside, but that summer I went home wondering can I be fixed, and can I learn to love myself for once and embrace everything that I am. As I journaled and looked dead hard at myself in the mirror, I knew it was not going to be easy to learn to start the process of healing. But I was willing to try and not give up because this was such a pivotal moment in my life where I was ready to fight for my happiness.

Over the summer of junior year, I literally learned to just be more open and I had to learn to not be clingy when it comes to meeting new people. Which I did and I learned to be open and let people just come to me naturally instead of me making the first move. When I returned the next year I took what I learned and just stuck with my new mantra just let people see me for me and let them come to me. It felt great to finally be a little bit more open but, I wouldn’t say I was fully there compared to where I am now. Looking back at everything now since its been a few years I should have known better that it was gonna take years to be in the right state of mind that I am currently. My last 2 senior years I was glad that I had finally made a lot of new friends because, they loved and accepted me for me. But there were some that I did learn a lot of valuable lessons from because sadly, some of the friendships didn’t work out. Which was still the flaw within me, which was about what it means when you start to become too trusting of others. I learned that there really are a lot of two-faced people out there, and I should have kept my guard up better and trusted them too quickly. I was just too weak and vulnerable at that time because I really wanted friends, and some of them knew I didn’t have much of a backbone, so they took advantage of me and just walked all over me. After college was over, I realized I made so many mistakes with choosing to be friends with certain people. I decided what was right for me and I chose to end the toxic friendships that were no longer good for me. Because I had finally come to accept that sometimes it’s better to have no friends than have friends that end up hurting you and betraying your trust.

But the fact that I had come to accept that it’s good to cut ties with some people was a true moment of growth within me. Because after all the hell I’ve been through and meeting people that I thought were going to start making my life happy could have brought me down along with them. Some of them have continued to try to reconcile with me even after a few years after graduation but, I refuse to take them back. I just trusted my intuition that they are still the same and would never change. Plus, I know the only reason they would want to reach out to me is because, they see that I have found happiness and strength in my life without them. This is where for once I got to see what it’s like on the opposite side of the mirror, and having people that want to be apart of my life but, I knew it wasn’t for the right reasons. There is only a certain number of chances you can give people, and the more chances you give them the more they can get away with things.

It wasn’t until after college that I was ready to start the process of healing. Over the years I have tried counseling in high school and college but, unfortunately, it wasn’t helping at all. I honestly never thought I would do this to help with all the emotional and mental healing. I ended up turning to spiritual healing where I ended up learning Reiki which involved a lot of mediation. I learned that what I need to do was what is called Chakra Balancing which involved having to remember the things that have hurt me and learning to overcome what’s already been done. I also had to learn the strengths that I do already possess, and I just had to know how to use them. There were so many mantras I had to tell myself on a day to day that involved my chakras which were the main focal points of myself that needed to be healed and repaired. Like one example is the heart chakra where it’s associated with love, compassion, forgiveness, and balance. In my newfound spiritual practice this became the most important one that needed to be healed. Over the last 4 years of practicing it, I could definitely feel the changes within me. There was a lot of tears that did come along with it but, they became more of tears of joy because I learned to finally love myself. But it really did open my eyes that yes I was flawed mentally and emotionally but, it was also other people’s negativity that impacted me. I love where I have gotten in the last 4 years, and it truly humbles my heart when people can see the changes I’ve made about myself. I have even encountered a few colleagues from the past within the last year, and they do not have to tell me but, know they can see I am not that same little girl anymore for I have now become a woman.

When I now think back to that dark moment from college, it will always haunt me but it won't overtake my life. I still can’t believe I was too naïve back then because that is not a family and that is not what being accepted is supposed to be like. Some might see me as pathetic or weak for wanting that so badly just to have something I never had. When we all know that we all want to at least be loved and accepted by at least someone. I wish sometimes that I never had to endure any of this from both the family side and my social setting but, it made me stronger. Which I have now turned all that pain into a positive which was a big transformation for me and all the lessons I had to learn a long the way. I’m just glad I didn’t turn to a life of bad choices like I hear other people have done to cope with the pain. If it there is also one thing I have also learned over the years is that makes someone a true loser is how they treat other people. One of my mentors told me back in college when she saw I need advice she told “Life is like waves you get the good waves and the bad waves!” Which she is right because, life is like an endless ocean and you just have to learn to swim through it, and don’t let it continue to push you back to shore.