Life...am I Right?

Life is interesting and mysterious. Often times I find myself questioning the reality of it. Is this really how things are happening? Am I really here? Is this nothing but a very vivid dream? Think about what we know about dreams. Not very often do we have control over our dreams. Unsure of what is about to happen. The ending never really known. Life is quite similar in that respect. Sometimes in our everyday lives things happen that seem impossible, miraculous, or unreal. Again, quite similar to dreams. So how are we truly able to know, if the life we are living; our current present. Is something we are actually experiencing?

And if it is in fact happening, is everything in our lives actually controlled by our subconscious minds like our dreams? If we seem to lead a life of failure or success. Is that because of the opportunities we are given? Or how hard we work? Or is this just our subconscious minds, determining how we are going to proceed? Is it really our choice at all?

All people are able to accomplish anything they put their minds to right? And yet some people seem to have an easier time with this than others. Where does it come from when we're born with natural talents that others don't have? How is it some people are able to excel at things and others aren't? Some of us believe we are standing in our own way. But why are we doing this? Ever make a decision that you can't believe you made? One of those decisions that make you go, "Why the hell did I do that?" How about gut feelings? Where do these things come from? Is it a gift? Or just a particularly difficult or cooperative subconscious. Maybe the more successful people have a different kind of access to their subconscious, whether it be less access, allowing them to be ignorant to the negatives of life, being able to ignore what could go wrong and just succeeding. Or more access, allowing them to see the world for what it can be instead of what it is.

Whether life is one big fever dream, or not. Whether the human mind is what truly determines and controls everything, more than we know or are aware of. Either way, life will always be a mysterious, unsolvable puzzle. Forever keeping us guessing. No 2 people in the world are exactly alike, no 2 people's stories are ever written the same way. There's absolutely no way of determining where we are going to end up, tomorrow, next week, next year. How long we're going to be here, what we're going to do in our lifetimes. You can plan it out as best you can, and maybe you're plans will work out exactly as you imagined. Maybe your one of those people who go with the flow and are okay with never knowing. Or maybe you're someone like me. I crave all the answers, I can't plan for shit, because I am someone who stands in her own way. I need to know and understand as much as I can possibly learn.

I have spent many hours cogitating this subject. It takes up a vast amount of space in my mind. I have so many questions, but I have no idea where to start. Its a truly existential crisis for me. As I said before, there are some people who are able to ignore these questions, they are just able accept their existence. And damn do I envy these people. Curiosity is something that gives me extreme anxiety. But I can't stop these thoughts. My subconscious may or may not have decided this is what I'm going to fixate on.

Being in the dark about so much, is both maddeningly hellish and motivationally invigorating.