Letters to my mental health (part 2)

Fuck off depression. No one likes you, especially not after today.

You invited me over and made me sit in the dark, in the silence and think. Do you not remember what happens when I'm left with my own thoughts? It didn't help that you sat there staring at me, encouraging me to fall deeper into a hole. Why pretend to be my friend, lure me in, only to make me feel worse. And it doesn't go when you leave. Nope, I stay like this for a while. Sometimes it can be weeks before my mood picks up again. Sometimes the day I start to feel better you pay me another visit and I end up back at square one.

Depression, to escape from you this time I have spent over 30 hours on animal crossing over the last 4 days. I will probably spend another 30 hours on another mind numbing game that takes me away from reality just to make it through the week. I guess I should thank you for pushing me to do something semi productive as my island now looks pretty but I also want you to know about all the things you've stopped me from doing too. I haven't washed my hair in a week now and I haven't brushed it either. I don't think I have even showered, I've not had the energy. I've changed my clothes once or twice but that's only because I've had other visitors and the state I was in… it wouldn't have been fair on them. I keep thinking of having a day to myself, a day to relax and maybe have a bath but whenever I start to think about doing that I start to think of you again. And then every stops. Everything goes quiet.

You suck the energy out of every room. You suck the life out of people. You've stopped me from caring about myself. I've let myself go. But it's all fine you say, because nothing else matters, nothing in my life matters. That's what you told me, didn't you Depression? It doesn't matter than my skin is breaking out from all the stress because no one wants to look at me anyways. It's okay that one day I eat nothing because I feel sick to my stomach and the next day I eat so much I am almost physically sick. But hey depression, that's just all part of having a relationship with you, a relationship I can't get out of.

You said next time you want to see me we should go out somewhere. That's if I can even get myself out the house. You say you will be me encouragement but you end up doing the opposite. Every single time. Maybe this time will be different, what have I got to lose? You're going to make me feel this way no matter what I do.

You sit at the end of my bed late at night. Quiet for the most part besides the things you keep whispering to me. The words you say that sink me lower and lower into myself. The lights are off and I can only just see your shadow on the wall. Depression you make me feel lonely. Even when someone is there, when you are around I feel lonely and empty. Isn't it funny that I can be sat talking with friends and family, smiling and laughing but that's not how I feel. You make me lie to the people I love Depression, I don't want to lie.

I hope to not have to write another letter to you any time soon, but we all know when it gets darker in the evenings that's when I struggle. I'll be in bed by 8pm most nights now for the coming months. There would be a positive to that if I could get to sleep but the words you say float around my head until 3 in the morning until I can't take it anymore and I hold a pillow over my ears. I'm writing this now at 1:37am and the noise won't stop. I hope this letter reaches you in time for you to stop what you are doing, and please Depression let me have a good night's sleep.

Yours faithfully,

Rebecca