Keep Your Mouth Shut

*Note- Names have been changed to protect the identities of the people involved.*

My life started as normal as everyone else. I had an older brother, Trevor, who was born 2 years before me, a father, Damion, one of the strongest men I will ever know, and a mother, Kathy, who will become my best friend as I got older. Being born I do not remember(which in all honesty would be very weird and scary), I do remember trips to the community building in our small town during December to visit Santa and going to the park close to our house to hunt for Easter eggs. The first vivid memory I have was going to the doctor office to get shots. I was so scared, because I didn't know if it was going to hurt or even what to think about the fact that a needle was going to be put into my body not once but Twice! Needless to say, I actually did very well. My mom was with me and I was allowed to sit on her lap. When the needle pierced my skin, it did hurt, I had a few tears come out of my eyes. But, mom said I did so good that I could get something I had been wanting, I could get a pet! That didn't mean just any pet. I was only about 3 or 4 years of age, so a cat or puppy was a little too much work for just me. Mom told me I could get either a fish, hamster or a bird(and any cage or container that I would need to house my new pet). After we got to the pet store, I chose to get a bird. She was so beautiful! She was a small parakeet with green, yellow, a patch of blue on her chest and just a little red on her head. I named her Ariel after my favorite movie at the time "The Little Mermaid". She started with her wings clipped, but as the grew she was able to fly! My parents allowed her to fly until the day she died. Ariel would fly around the room and land on me, but never made messes in the house. She was a smart bird and one of the best memories I have of when my mom and dad were still together.

My last memory I have of my mom and dad together was the day we moved out of the house to go live with grandma for a little while. I remember, grandma came and picked Trevor and I up from school(which was not unusual), but instead of being in a good mood like normal grandma was very quiet and not willy to say much. Trevor and I were not allowed to watch tv like normal, but we did get to have a snack. We hadn't been there long when mom showed up! This was not normal either. My mom got Trevor and I together and told us that we were going to be staying at grandma's for a little while. Being only about 5 years old I had NO idea what was going on. Trevor started to cry and I was worried. Then mom asked us if we wanted to go see daddy. That I understood! I was happy as we went home way earlier then normal and to get to spend extra time with mom and dad. However, Trevor was still crying and I didn't understand what was wrong. We got to the house and didn't go in the way we always did. Instead of going to the back door to enter we went to the front. Mom opened the door and held our hands. We stood inside the door and waited for what felt like forever. As we waited, I looked around and the houses looked different. Down the hall I could see into Trevor's room and it was different, but I still couldn't understand. Then dad came out from his room. I was worried because dad was crying! Trevor ran to dad and they cried together. Then mom let me go so I could go to dad. As dad let go of Trevor with one arm, he grabbed me with it. All I could do was pat him on the back and say, "It's ok daddy. We are here and it will be ok." I cried when mom told us it was time to go and I asked, "why can't we stay here with dad? We are home, why can't we stay here?" Still not completely understanding the situation, that is when I understood that life was not going to be the same ever again. Divorce sucks.

Within the same year, both of my parents started dating again. Eventually, they started dating my(who would become) stepparents, Lisa and Jeremy. Believe it or not, I actually fell in love with both of them! It made life at home feel more normal again. To top it off, Lisa brought a daughter, Henley, and a son, Devlin, to the family. Jeremy did not have any kids but he was so cool and good at sports! At first, I was very excited to have new family members and especially a new sister. Lisa became our babysitter during the summer, because she worked at the school and had the summers off like all of us kids did. This meant that Trevor and I got to know her very well. Jeremy started living with mom, Trevor and me since shortly after mom started dating him. Everything seemed to be perfect again. The only bump in the road was Devlin. At first, he was just another brother, but he didn't pick on me. Instead, when Trevor would pick on me, Devlin would tell him to back off and stand up for me. There were times that Henley and Devlin were not there(they were staying at their dad's house) but I honestly remember them being at dad's house anytime Lisa was there. Devlin started telling me about love. Asked me if I loved anyone. I would tell him that I love my family. He said, "so you love me?" I said, "yes, you are my brother." And that is how it all started.

*Warning- The story that follows deals with real life events of sexual abuse. Although it will not go into explicate details, it can be a trigger for those who have been through this type of trauma.*

Devlin wanted to make it a game. It was going to be played with him and me only. He said, "it's like playing family or life(acting like I'm the mom and he's the dad and my baby dolls were our kids), the quiet game(can't talk to anyone but him about the game) and (what he called) the nervous game." I didn't know what the nervous game was. He told me that if at any time either of us felt scared or nervous that we would slow down and the other person would explain and try again. If at any time one of us could not keep going, that person would lose. At this time I was 5 or 6 years old and he made it make sense to me in a way that it's just a game and nothing was wrong with it...

It started slow and I was nervous the entire time, but I didn't want to lose the game. Devlin started with kissing me on the lips. Through the months he introduced tongue. All the while talking to me through it and making it make sense. We were playing like we were a mother and father and "moms and dads do these things". Looking back on it now I just think about how stupid I was, but the fact is, I was super young and easily manipulated. Things progressed fairly quickly. Devlin would sneak into my room at night and he would do more and more things. There were even nights Trevor, Devlin and I would have "camp outs" on the floor in the boys' room. One night Henley almost caught him with his fingers in me and showing me his private. All the while, I had NO idea that what was going on was wrong until I got into the 3rd grade(about 10 yrs old) when I watched the females "changing body" video). By then, Devlin had been rubbing me on my chest area and in my private areas on the out side of clothes. I decided to ask my cousin, Cathy, (who was about Devlin's age) that if things like what I was going through were ok to do at her age. She said, "no, those are things that adults do! You shouldn't even know about most of those things. How do you know any of that?" I let her in on the fact that I was going through some of that(she didn't need to know I was going through all of it) and BEGGED her not to say anything. By the time he moved to live with his father full time he had inserted fingers inside me and tried inserting his private part into mine(but did not succeed). At that point he had also threatened me that if I talk to anyone about what is going on he would hurt me severely(while having a knife to my neck). When he moved out it was at the end of my 4th grade year.

Everything else in my life was good. My mom had married Jeremy and they had a son(I became a big sister!). My dad had married Lisa and, other then her sometimes lying to dad about things Trevor and I did, I loved having a "mom" at dad's house. Dealing with Devlin still had to happen when we went to visit Lisa's family who lived close to where Devlin was living too. By then I had come to terms of what I had went through and the fact that my life was still on the line. However, I had dealt with so much and kept it to myself when Devlin was living at my dad's. I thought "If I tell anybody, Trevor and I could be taken away from dad. I could ruin dad and Lisa's marriage if I say anything." When I thought about the fact that he was states away I thought, "This is easy compared to him living at dad's. I only have to deal with these things during vacations and holidays." So I continued to keep my mouth shut. It was during a winter vacation of my 5th grade year(about 11 years old) that Devlin succeed in taking my virginity. He caught me as I was exiting the restroom in the middle of the night. He pushed me back into the room covering my mouth and then kissed me. "I have been waiting for this for too long. It feels like you have been trying to avoid me. Are you avoiding me? I still love you. Don't you still love me?" Before I could mutter a word he kissed me again shoving his tongue inside my mouth. Devlin began to take off my shirt and kissing my chest and started to remove my shorts. "What are you doing? Stop." I said. Devlin grabbed me by the throat and said, "You don't tell me to stop. I love you and we are going to make love tonight." He moved me to the floor and removed my clothes. "You will stay quiet and enjoy this." he said as he penetrated me. It hurt. I was shaking and terrified. as he finished he looked at me and said, "get up and sit on the toilet. Just relax. There's cum in you." As he handed me my underwear and shorts to put on he saw there was some (what he told me was) "pre-cum" on them and that I can just wipe it off. He explained to me what cum and pre-cum was. Before he left, he grabbed my face and kissed me and said, "wait a few minutes after I leave, then you can come out." I am happy to say this was the LAST time he got to touch me in any way that I did not approve of first.

After that, my school year continued until the end of the year came closer. My dad told Trevor and me one day that, "Devlin will be moving back during the summer. He will be staying in the cave house as an apartment type thing. So Trevor, you will not have to share a room with him again. He will still use the bathrooms in the house and eat with us though." To say I was scared is a huge understatement. I was also kind of mad. Now, the counselor at my school would allow students to eat in here office if they asked. One day a classmate of mine, a boy named Alvin, invited me to eat in the counselor's office. Alvin needed to talk to me. Our counselor had to step out during lunch and Alvin was able to talk to me about things that were bothering him. Alvin told me his sister was acting weird and trying to touch him in private places. "I don't know what to do." Alvin admitted. "Is this normal?" I told him it is not normal and that he needed to tell his parents now before it gets any further or worse. I let him know what I had gone through or the start of it. Little did I know, the counselor was standing outside the door. She stepped in, asked Alvin to leave and told me that I needed to stay. After discussing with the counselor about how my stepbrother Devlin had "kissed me and touched me in places I didn't want to be touched" she called my dad to the school.

After that I had to tell my dad the same thing and go see child services. I found out that Devlin was being talked to by child services as well. That news terrified me. I thought Devlin was still moving back. My mom told me, "If your dad allows him to move back, he will lose you and Trevor." There it was. My fear of losing my family. I should have kept my mouth shut! But, my dad said Devlin was not moving back. Family life became different for the next 3 years or so, but Lisa stayed with my dad and I didn't have to see Devlin again for almost a decade. I eventually told my mother everything when I was in the 8th grade. My dad did not get to know the whole story until I was 16 years old.

That is where I will leave my story. The trauma from what I went through has effected me my entire life. All I can say is, if you have been through something like I have, I am sorry. And no matter what might happen, don't keep your mouth shut.