Joy of Darkness

Dear Pamela Joy,

First off, I would like to say Thank You! for being You, and I love you.

I want to be very clear, so that you are aware that I am not expressing my gratitude towards you because of your kind and loving ways. Nor am I giving thanks for your impressive sense of humor and quick wits. I have no desire to remind you of your stunning superficial beauty, or how impressive you are with the many talents you possess. You do set the bar quite high when referring to those characteristics.

No, the reasons I am writing YOU this Thank You letter might be a bit surprising and slightly unorthodox for anyone reading this. (They are definitely that, according to society's conditionings.)Now that I have your utmost attention, allow me to elaborate.

Pamela Joy, Mom… You are my HERO! A very dark, evil, twisted hero, but a hero nonetheless. I spent most of my life trying to gain your approval so that maybe, just maybe, you would love me. I idolized you. No matter how much pain you caused me (physically, mentally, and especially emotionally) I believed that if I could make you love me, I would finally know happiness. I would be able to love myself. 35 pathetic years of my life was spent chasing that unicorn.

You don't get to take all of the credit for destroying my innocence and purity. Lord knows you were NOT the only evil that caused my soul indescribable amounts of pain and trauma. Pamela, you took me to see so many different doctors when I was barely a teenager. You lied and made medical professionals believe I was this uncontrollable crazy person so that I would be prescribed medications that ended up almost killing me. At 19, I was going to commit suicide. I felt like I was going crazy. My thoughts and emotions didn't make sense. No doctor or therapist would listen to my cries for help. They just prescribed more antidepressants (SSRIs and MAOI Inhibitors, more benzos, more sleeping pills, more tranquilizers, and a lot more amphetamines. My whole system was severely messed up.. Thankfully, my desires to kill myself were so convincing that they scared me enough to seek emergency help myself. I refused a psychiatric hospital and chose to ask your brother to help nurse me back to reality. I did that in the comfort of his home, and under his guidance. I learned a lot about myself. I was shocked at the amount of strength I held within me. I couldn't wait to tell you how I overcame that darkness, but I never got the chance because when you picked me up that day you destroyed me in an instant. One sentence out of your mouth was all it took.. I'll never forget that smile on your face as you watched every part of my heart, every fiber of my soul shatter into millions of pieces. I told you all the medications the doctors had me on almost caused me to commit suicide or worse almost caused me to harm another. Then you said as if it were no big deal, "Well, that was a waste of time and money then wasn't it?" I was terrified. I knew without a doubt that if I didn't learn how to play this wicked game that you had already mastered, and if I didn't learn quickly, that I would die. You would have killed me.

Several times in my existence you told me, an innocent girl needing her mother, that you never wanted me. That you never loved me.

You made it my fault the few times men have sexually assaulted me. Pam, I spent 3 weeks in the hospital because of one attack on me.

You laughed at me and sent me phone numbers to a homeless shelter recently, because I swallowed my pride and asked to come home after I had open heart surgery. You legally kidnapped my son. You paid for my ex-husband's lawyer after he broke my collarbone and dislocated my shoulder. You've publicly humiliated me on more than one occasion. You stood in my doorway when I was 9, and watched me sleep while my comforter was on fire. I could go on and on about things you have done to me, your daughter, that screwed me up. I should not be alive because of the abuse I endured from you. I should hold so much hate and rage and anger in my body towards you. I should have fear of abandonment and layers upon layers of "mommy issues". I should hate you, but I don't.

I carried sadness in my heart, and shame instead. I have often asked God why or what I did to deserve this much pain. I've wondered why I wasn't good enough for your love. Why you took my miracle child, my precious baby boy from me. I have never and would never do anything that could jeopardize his health, safety or my relationship with my son. I begged God to show me a different path in life. I needed to find ways to cope and heal. I hated the person staring back at me each time I looked in the mirror. How was I supposed to teach my son how to embody the highest character qualities that he values most in life if I couldn't live and walk in mine? I knew I would never be able to live with myself if I failed to provide the necessary tools to help him be the highest and best version of himself he can possibly be. The thought of teaching him to settle disgusted me. So I prayed and prayed for God to show me the way. Then one day my prayers were answered, I just wasn't prepared to lose everything in order for it to happen.

In my quest for knowledge, I realized you were the reason I was brave enough to walk the alleyways of Hell- alone. You were the reason I am not afraid of pain. I do not fear true darkness. You are the reason I can "radiate love without concern for results" (Uranda). I can be a sun for others and warm their hearts with my light. The incredible amounts of pain I've felt and have overcome aren't things I would ever wish upon my worst enemy. I don't want another human to ever experience how awful it is. Not even you Mom.

So thank you for everything you did that forced me to become the woman I am. You allowed me to experience what that special part of forgiveness feels like as a result of your horrible acts on me. I see you.I remember who you really are in your purest form. Thank you for being exactly what I needed so that I could step into the highest and best version of ME. I finally know what pure honest love looks like and feels like and it's all because of you. I promised to remember who you truly are, because you were going to forget and be lost from having to dim your light for so long in order to allow my experience of life this time. I'm so sorry it took me 40 years to finally remember. Please forgive me. I love you so much Mom!

Your Light and Joy in the Darkness,

Phalan Dee