Journal Entries...

I guess I'm back to it.

I write journal entries when I can't process my feelings into words when I talk to people because I suck at telling people how I feel so I'm back at writing them down and it's easier to write down since I have more time to process it all.

I used to do this back when I was 12 years old but it was for fun because I was watching old episodes of "Doug" again and every time an episode starts, it starts with Doug giving a voiceover for the audience. He starts with the words, "Dear Journal...." and from there, he says what happened to him during the day and gives a lesson of what he learned by the end of the episode so I figured I give that a shot. It was cool to do at first but nothing was going on for me that I thought was worth writing down plus it was the summer at the time when I started it so I was at home all the time, I wasn't going on normal days that would turn into adventures out of nowhere for me like Doug was.

It was time for me to go back to it when I went to therapy for a while to talk about how much I've been dealing with since after dealing with Sofia and what I've been dealing with since that whole fiasco went down. I started off writing in it relatively easy but the more I felt my feelings, the harder it got for me to write like right now, it's hard to write because I like someone but she's in a relationship now and I miss my two good friends who got married. I guess I lost them so they can help me or something... I don't know anymore.

Anyways the journals do help but they can't do everything for me whenever I'm feeling something so I do the best I can to deal with it in person instead of writing it down or sometimes I'll write lyrics to kind of say how I feel but I also end up getting caught up in wondering if I can do rhymes any good or if I can put some wordplay in the lyrics so I tend to steer away from writing lyrics a lot so now I'm just between writing about it in my journal or dealing with it and staring it down in its face.

I'm still dealing with the fact that I like someone but I have to accept the fact that she's in a relationship now and I'm conflicted about getting a hold of one of my friends who's married to see how she's been because I feel like I owe her an explanation as to why I didn't go to her wedding. She knew I hate weddings but there was more to why I didn't go to hers specifically. I won't say more about it here but about the someone that I like who is in a relationship now, I'll say this, it sucks but I know I can't do anything and the only thing that I can do is be happy for her and be a good friend to her. I'll be in pain because of it but it's not the first time I went through this so this is almost like a field trip for me.

Journal entries do help whenever they can because I'm not much of a talker these days, I tend to try and use my eyes or my actions to talk more than my mouth but it's like the pen is an extension of my mind and the paper is my canvas so anything I can say just comes out easier on there than it does when I try to talk about it with people.