It's Okay to Not Be Okay

Junior year of high school was the prime of my mental health. I got up every single day at 5 AM starting with my morning shower and pampering, following with an hour of meditation, and a nice fruit smoothie to accompany me on my way to school. I felt so sure of myself then, I was happy every day and thought that I was exactly where I wanted to be. My room stayed clean, I did my homework in advance, chores where always finished before my nighttime routine, and I was kind to everyone I saw.

Once senior year came around I started to notice a change. I started to get a little relaxed with my usual routine and at the time I thought nothing of it. Mostly because I knew that there was a lot going on with school and college planning so I decided to give myself a break. Although I did try to keep up my schedule as best as I could, but getting up in the morning started to get really hard. I didn’t do my hair and makeup anymore, I didn’t dress up like I usually did, and I started to become quiet around everyone. My step mother was the only one to notice my change, I myself didn’t really notice. My demeanor had completely changed because of the amount of stress I was putting on myself.

Continuing on with school, I started to get better at the end of my high school career. I graduated and was going to college in the fall. Preparing for college had taken a toll on me emotionally and physically. I did nothing but work that summer before college and managed to save up enough for books and dorm supplies. College started out great! I made a new friend and my classes were fun.

Around the middle of the first semester I started to skip classes. Normally I wouldn’t do this but those days started to get really hard to get out of bed. I didn’t want to do anything. I stayed in my room and kept to myself. It was then that I started to realize I need to see a doctor. I knew that my mental health was not okay. I knew that something was wrong. I was then diagnosed with depression. Nothing in my life was going downhill. I had no trouble in my life, but my mind would not let the sunlight in. It was a very dark time.

Because of my depression, I was almost kicked out of school because my GPA fell down to a 0.60/4.00. I was lucky enough that the school gave me another chance to prove myself the next semester. Around the beginning of the spring semester I started to develop an anxiety disorder. This disorder runs in my family, my dad has it really bad to where he gets afraid to go places because of it. My sister also has it but hers only shows every once in a while. Anxiety attacks started to become the norm for me. I had at least three attacks a week and maybe two major ones a month. When I had to start leaving in the middle of class because of them, I had to go to the doctor. I was put on anti-depressants that help, but anxiety cannot be completely controlled. To this day I still get attacks, but they are not as often as they used to be. In fact, I had to leave my English class today because I felt one coming on.

The reason I am sharing my story about my mental health is to point out that you are not alone. When I was told that I have mental health problems, I tried to dismiss it because I didn’t want to hear that I am broken. My step mother made me get myself better and without her I can confidently say that I might be in a worse place. If you think that something is up, DO NOT DISMISS IT! Go to a doctor and tell them before it becomes worse of a problem. Make sure that others know as well. Having people check up on you can mean a matter of life and death.

For those of you who have not been diagnosed with any mental disorders, that doesn’t mean it’s not in you. Don’t get me wrong, many do not have them, but everyone has anxiety. Knowing the right balance of control is key to bettering your mental state. Meditation is a perfect example of mental rehabilitation.

If you need to talk to someone about anything troubling you, talk to your family or teachers. If you need to talk to someone else about major issues and thoughts, I will have numbers and links you can call down at the bottom. Please always remember… It is okay to not be okay.

-Kait

SAMHSA’s National Helpline (Mental Health Helpline)

Phone: 800-662-4357

Website: https://www.drugrehab.com/addiction/hotlines/

Suicide Hotline

Phone: 1-800-273-8255

Website: https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/