Isolation

The sun blared through the open blinds as the maddening tapping from melting snow obliterated the young student’s train of thought every minute or so. The beautiful day taunted her as she sat in the poorly lit cave of a bedroom. As an insufferably happy couple passed the window, their unsettlingly bright smiles and annoyingly excited voices nearly pushed her to give up on trying to work all together. Just one more page of notes and she would take a break. She attempted to force herself to pay attention to teh meaning of each word.

“According to Psychoanalytic Theory, the most important aspects of personality are the…,” Oh my god why was she even trying this hard! None of this mattered! She would pass the course and then move on to the next one.

She slammed the laptop shut and went to go lay down. Despite the increased amount of sleep she had been getting, the lack of routine was creating an overwhelming sense of fatigue and despair. This created the worst environment for productivity and the best environment for the distressing anxiety that she had been trying to keep at bay for the past six years. She tried hard to imagine summer parties, movie nights and picnics that she hoped would be able to take her mind off the awful state of the world. A meticulously planned trip to the tropics was thrown in the garbage along with any hope of camping in the mountains. She, as well as everyone else, would have to stay sequestered in for the foreseeable future.

Trying to relax proved futile as the idea of having to then get back up and study later loomed over her. She begrudgingly got back in front of her computer and resumed where she left off. She then realized she didn't remember what she had read before and that she would have to reread the whole page. That was what gave her the last push to put the whole thing off until tomorrow.

She couldn’t nap, she refused to study. What was left? Eating was always an option but she was finally trying to get into shape and that would undo the grueling exercise she had put her body through. She could try to do something artsy. Did she have the attention span for that right now? Wasn’t there a book she had wanted to finish somewhere? Was this day wasted? She was finally about to rewatch an old show for the fifth time when she had a terrifying thought. Was this going to be what everyday was like? What if this was what made her give up on school and throw the last few years of work away? She was so ridiculously apathetic towards everything that nothing felt real.

The room suddenly felt too small and too dark. The air seemed to be escaping the room as if sucked out by a vacuum. It became impossible to breathe as she gulped to try and fill her lungs. The lack of air began to make her eyes water and without her permission, the tears escaped her eyes and spilled onto her cheeks. She couldn’t stop her throat from catching and creating that disgusting sobbing sound.

She sat there feeling completely crushed by the weight of everything. Stop! She had a protocol for this. She found the playlist on her computer and allowed it to blast into the silent room. The slow, mesmerizing beat and soft soothing vocals seemed to coax the air back into the room. She could breathe again. The music reminded her of being on a beach, not having to worry about the future or how she was going to create the life she had always envisioned for herself. This wasn’t relaxation, but it was the closest she would get right now.

This was not sustainable. The days were a blur and time both flew by and seemed to stop entirely. This paradox was taking its toll and she was letting it. She had already made a plan to combat her mental health issues and it was proving to be no match for these new circumstances. They normally succeeded in making her feel like she was in charge of her emotions. This time, she would have to take her current circumstances into account. She couldn’t rely on her support system like she normally would. Her family was scattered across the country, living their own lives and dealing with the same thing she was. They were able to adapt and cope. As much as they would love to help her, at a certain point she needed to help herself. She had the tools she needed, she would have to remember to use them at times like this. Right now, the first priority was to finish studying what she needed to today. That would at least alleviate some of the dread. Then she would figure out a routine for herself. She had everything she needed.

She would be fine.