Insomniac

Sleep, that is all I want. just an endless slumber away from the world. Away from my physical body. It's now 2 am. Eyes wide open. Sleep please come. I get up to open my laptop. The light from the screen pierces through the darkness. I unlock the screen and stare into the bright void. Another attempt in getting my motivation back. Sleep should set in soon. I open a document and start to type out my plans. I try hard to focus but my mind keeps trailing to where sleep is. Eyes are baggy full of tired but not sleep. the body is sluggish but has no sleep.

I look at my phone and TikTok notifications litter the notification drawer. Facebook constantly going off. but sleep never sent an invite. Perhaps I should make some tea. I get up and go towards the door. a call comes in. It's my mom. I answer it.

Hello?

There is silence.

"How is my baby doing? are you alright living with your father?"

I couldn't believe she called. I heard her voice.

Mom, I'm okay.

Dial tone came through. I look down at my phone and see that there was never a call in the first place. I must have hit the hallucination stage of sleep deprivation.

I continue out of the bedroom and down the hall. I stop at the bathroom. I walk in. Pause in the mirror and see me. I look a mess. hair unkept, beard scraggly. I might stink but I have been in this loop for too many days I cant count. I blacked out all the windows. no light I don't deserve that. I am not important enough for the light in my life.

Sleep, just fall asleep and everything will be alright. I turn to the toilet and take a leak. I stare at the ceiling as I go. There are black spots on it. Maybe it just tricks my mind is playing on me. I flush the toilet and wash my hands. Again I pause to look in the mirror. Just a washed-up useless man staring back. I take a towel and wet it. I put it to my face. wiping it makes me feel a bit more relaxed.

I look back into the mirror. I see a boy now. I must be hallucinating now. but it feels good. He looks me in my eyes. no words but I know what he is saying.

I'm sorry little one, I am not what you want to be when you grow up.

Do better.

Make better choices.

Do not be me.

I promise you this is not life. you won't sleep.

Sleep will allude to you.

Just stay happy.

Stay to yourself and be true to yourself.

Focus on what you want.

Pursue your dreams, with the words, I can conquer it all.

You will make it.

I looked down. tears falling out my eyes. I look back he is gone, it is just me. Only me. I hope he received the message. I don't want him to be like me. I turn off the bathroom light and walk out. I turn in the direction of the kitchen. as I start to walk there was pounding on my door.

My heart jumped.

"This is the police we know your in there!"

I look at the front door. Then the window. no lights. Blacked-out windows. I go towards the door. The pounding gets louder.

"We are going to enter by force."

I open the door. but nobody is there. Sleep is now playing with me. This is a nightmare only awake. I close the door and walk briskly to the kitchen. Grab a cup from the cabinet and turn on the faucet. The water is extra cold. I fill the cup and drink vigorously. Every gulp I take the cold water sends cold freezes to my brain. I don't care. I set the cup down kind of hard shattering it. Cuts to my hand. The pain hurts. Fuck where is this sleep?! I rush back to the bedroom stumbling. Falling into walls. The hallway seems long and twisted. Spots of light poke through the cracks and holes in the wall.

I make it back into the room. The door is closed. When did I close the door? I see at the bottom of the door light seeping out. I open the door, light is filling up the room. When did I turn on the lights? I hit the switch but nothing changed. I flicker with it a few times and nothing changed. I must be losing my mind.

I as I walk over to the chair in my room I hear tapping on my window. Blacked-out windows, great idea. I find my headphones. I try to turn them on. battery dead. Damn. The tapping gets louder. I rush to the window. Open it. Nothing is there. I scream but no sound. I get dizzy, the room is spinning. As I am stumbling I fall out the window.

The ground looks so far away. I close my eyes. I can hear the sound of the rushing wind. I can feel the gravity pull me closer to the ground. Sleep is coming. I relinquished control.

Finally, sleep has come for me. I feel the ground getting closer. I open my arms. I feel the wind breezing past my fingers. It's getting quiet. I wait for the impact.

Boom.

I feel the heavy impact of my body to the ground. Sleep has me now. This cycle of sleep avoided me for many days, perhaps months. and I caught up to it.

I am finally able to rest.

The alarm goes off.

it's now 2 am.

The cycle continues...