In the life of mental health

In this day and age is mental health as recognised as it’s said to be?

Do people still get failed by the mental health system? Mental health in the olden days was not spoken about nor had the help we have today? Do we really have that help these days?

Why do people fail to seek help? Is it fear? Is it judgement? Is it you feel so alone and you feel your thoughts are not warranted to feel the way you feel.

TRIGGER WARNING

I am going to go into my life of my mental health , sexual abuse , domestic violence and chronic ptsd (post traumatic stress disorder) and how all of this affected my life and the lives of the people around me. How I copped and my everyday struggle to this very day.

I’ll start from the very very beginning and continue my of my story until the very end to where I am at now in my life.

This is the most hardest things I ever had to write and speak about because like I said above for me it’s the fear of JUDGMENT,FEELING ALONE and the fear of no one BELIEVING ME.

I don’t know where to start but I’ll start from the youngest age i can remember. I was just a little girl at the age of 5 , a very shy little girl with Snow White coloured hair , big blue eyes and very pale skin. Life was great I had a mum and dad who loved me , I had 2 older sisters one 8 years apart and another 4 year apart and a brother 1 year younger ( poor fella, could you imagine what us girls put him through).

It was my first day of kindergarten I made no friends nor did my teachers even try and help me form any friendships what so ever, but I guess it was never their job to help me. If it were me and I was a teacher I would of helped that very shy little girl form at least one friendship but that’s me I guess 🤷‍♀️

I potted through the year on my own and did not make a single friend , played and Sat by myself every single day but I got through. The following year after the summer holidays i dreaded every single part of going back to school I didn’t want to spend the year alone again but guess what my very first day a new girl arrived and I made my very first friendship something I’ll never ever forget.

Then come mid year and the man who was my hero , the man I looked up to and was they most hard working man I knew MY FATHER, MY DAD started to drink but only a little bit at this stage as the year went on it only got worse he drank from the minute he got home to the minute he went to sleep. My sisters , brother and I were no longer allowed to go to work with him which was very very disheartening to us as it was the one thing we loved to do. He was a bricklayer and we loved to help him mix concrete and shovel sand and help move bricks but this enjoyment and fun was taken away from us. Spring come along and his drinking become worse and worse , I become very withdrawn and now the only thing I looked forward to was going to school and seeing my one and only friend that I had. My mother (god rest her sweet sole) also become very withdrawn and not the woman who she used to be. Now knowing as an adult and I said above there was no help in the mental health department back in them days she was obviously depressed and sad that her only escape was to get a job through the night to escape the verbal abuse from my father ( he never hit her to my knowledge) her whole world and family life was turned upside down and she couldn’t cope anymore as a young child it was very very upsetting to see your mother like that , she was a very kind sole and whoever’s met her loved her sooooooo much , she always laughed and giggled and always had a good joke especially with the old men she always made them laugh. Behind closed doors she was depressed and never spoke about it. My father and her started sleeping in separate beds and I’d get home from school and my mother would be locked in her room escaping my father who was heavily drinking by then. Where else could she escape right? Only waiting to start her night shift at work. My siblings and I would get home from school and knock on her bedroom door to let us in to say hello and give our mother a kiss we all took it hard and made my siblings cry but for me I held it inside and go to bed and cry all I’d ever do is knock on my mums door and ask her “mum do you need a cup of tea?” “Mum do you want something to eat or a glass of milk?” and so fourth.

As the rest of the year went on my whole happy family life was gone.

My mother stopped cooking , cleaning , washing our clothes for school , she stopped telling my brother and I when to shower, we were 6 and 5 at the time so you know what we did we went days without a shower because we thought we didn’t need one , we wore dirty clothes to school we knew no different , we had no packed lunches or drinks anymore that my only friend I had in the world would pack me lunch and recess. Actually thinking about it now my poor brother and my poor sister would of went hungry all day 🥲 My oldest sister moved out of home and went and lived with her boyfriend.

Come Christmas something we always looked forward to was no longer the same.

The new year started we returned to school year 2 I started to get bullied, I was showing up to school with dirty clothes, dirty all over , I have to admit the lack of showers and washing my hair I was smelly but I didn’t know better. Girls a group of girls in particular started with the comments of what smells , ewe your gross and would point at me and laugh. This bullying then started in the classroom and someone who was there to protect you joined in but 10x worse then what the girls were doing, she would make me sit outside of the class because of the smell used to call me names and smack me infront of the whole class who now at the age of 7 would think it was funny. Who wouldn’t right? Being young you wouldn’t know better. I was so hurt inside more then you would ever know , I was already shy , withdrawn and never stuck up for myself. I was never naughty I never spoke back or spoke rudely to anyone, I was polite and respectful to others and adults.

The only person who never cared was my beautiful one friend she stuck by me through it all. My friend still brought me lunch everyday and stuck up for me when I couldn’t do it myself. Then come the day this teacher of mine thought it would be nice and shatter me even more , I was no longer allowed to play with my one friend anymore at school and was told in her words I still remember to this day “if you are caught playing together even once in the playground you will be in the biggest trouble you could ever imagine”. Why what did I do to deserve this? I still don’t even know why. So back to being on my own I become the girl who had no friends but I still kept it all inside and carried so much inside me, how the hell being so young didn’t I break , I was stronger then what I thought I guess.

Come to the end of the year my fathers drinking was so out of control that we had no food in the house , he spent all my mothers pay (she had no say) on alcohol (because he lost his job) he chose to to drink over his family and his job. Another blow hit my parents could no longer pay for the catholic school we were attending and we were told we had to move schools which i really didn’t care about because I had no one anyway the only thing I was sad about was thinking I was never going to see my friend again , thankfully we kept in touch and her family took my brother and I on holidays with them every school holidays ( how nice of another family to do this) it was and is so much much appreciated to this day. I always hated leaving though I never ever wanted to leave my mum, she was my world and I always wanted to make sure she was ok I worried about her more then I cared for myself.

Time to start year three I was excited, I thought I’d finally make new friends and my mother started doing all what she could do for us again clothes were washed we showered everyday it was going to be a fresh start. Nope I did not make one single friend I was just to shy but no one bullied me thank god.

One afternoon I come home from school and I had a massive ear ache the pain was so bad and my mother had to go to work. Naturally as a child the only people you want is your parents. Mum going to work she wasn’t able to stay home with me so I took comfort from my father , I slept in his bed the rest of the afternoon, blind drunk he comes stumbling into bed and starts grabbing me and touching me in parts he shouldn’t of he had mistaken me for my mother , I laid there so scared to even move. Once again I did not tell a soul.

I become so attached to my mum even more I would not leave her side, I slept in her bed every night waiting for her to get home she never knew a single thing. I become so angry especially towards my sister and brother my anger went from a 0-100 in a matter of seconds, when I was so worked up I couldn’t bring my anger down that I’d smash the house apart , chase them with knives, kick , scream , cry and punch anything that was in my way until I felt relieved enough. I would do this while my parents were out for whatever reason and then come home and take me shopping leaving my brother and sister to clean the house and they never understood why they had to clean what I destroyed. Honestly why should they have to clean up after me? I made the mess. I just become the psycho to them.

My mother started taking me to dr after dr and no one could ever work out what was wrong with me, obviously because I held everything I’ve been through inside of me.

Dads drinking was the same out of control the verbal abuse was getting worse towards my mother. Im not sure if he hit her that night before she left for work but all I remember was him walking around the house after she left cursing her , calling her dreadful names that I couldn’t take hearing it anymore that I stormed out of the room I pushed him so hard he landed inside of a washing basket then I ran for the hills and hid under my blankets waiting for him to come and belt me. By the time he managed to get up he couldn’t remember how he landed in the washing basket. It was pretty funny in my eyes.

A week later I arrived home from school and my mother tried to commit suicide by overdosing on sleeping pills. I nearly died inside of myself with her.

The next 3 years I spent the rest of my primary years of school with no friends but I got through.

Then came the day my mother worked up the courage to leave my father.

Things settled for her finally but I continued to spiral and go downhill my depression and life got a whole lot worse.

………………..TO BE CONTINUED