If I Would Have Known

It was a new school year, I was now a third grader attending school on the beautiful island of Oahu. My family and I had only been here for almost a year and I was making good headway on establishing relationships with the other military children in our town. The school talent show was coming up and I was enthralled at the opportunity to perform Dirty Dancing's infamous song by Bill Medley an Jennifer Warnes. Now I must first inform at the tender age of 8 I had not seen the movie, nor heard the song until Sara and Sarah "H" asked me to be the third member to their audition for the talent show. Oh my was I super excited, the Sara's were the most popular girls both of them had fathers who were high ranking officers and in military brat life you were considered as famous as the Hiltons daughters.

Now, in my home I knew just the audacity to be involved in this was against every rule my parents held. In a devout religious home any involvement with "secular" music or dancing was forbidden. It also carried a heavy sentence of lashes to my back side if ever found out. But how could I walk away from such an invitation to be seen and known in the "in crowd". I accepted immediately and worked out a schedule to practice on Saturday afternoons and during school time since I knew those would be the only times my parents would not find out. The first couple of weeks went along fine. I had a natural talent for learning quickly and that benefitted me I could see the steps in my mind and helped choreograph a work of art worthy of being performed in front on thousands of admiring fans. (well, that is what my tiny mind believed)

The talent show was about 3 weeks away and the Sara's were becoming more demanding to conduct more practices, adding new moves, learning the lyrics and coming up with the best matching outfits. Pink hairbows for high ponytails, spaghetti strap tops, jean jackets, jean mini skirts and high tops with stockings and socks. "The nineties had all the fashion in the world!!" I tried to figure out how in the heck would I be able to persuade my parents to take me shopping for these pieces, let alone how would I ever leave out of my house in an outfit like that? I had to get creative, come up with some lie to tell my mom and dad as to why the "school" was requiring us to dress up, school pride week or topsy turvy day. I was able to get them to buy the jacket, and hair ribbons, but my mother was adamant that no child of God would be walking around school in any provocative mini skirt "showing off body parts." I had to get the Sara H to loan me one of hers and I pleaded with her not to bring it to school until the day it was needed. My partners were beginning to get frustrated with me due to me missing a few rehearsals, and I finally had to come clean to them and explain my absence, my recent beatings and how my parents would do it again if they knew I was trying to do this. "It must be kept a secret, I begged, I promise I know all the moves I can do it, I want to do this so badly!!" They agreed to keep me on the team and I did everything I could to practice more during school and at night when I knew I would not be heard.

I had got myself in some trouble by my parents about something else, I can't quite remember but it was something I had done or misbehaved at church and I was now grounded causing me to miss out on 2 of the saturday practices. At school, I was doing everything possible to doge being questioned by the girls and I could sense their frustration with me. On the final weekend before our debut, I vowed to be present at Sara's house that afternoon for practice and try to stay for the sleepover and sweets her mother was going to bake. Even though I knew 1000% that my mother and father would not allow it. Come that morning I woke up ready to get my chores done and get out the house as fast as I could. But my parents had other plans, they had not forgotten my behavior at church, and my recent grades were slipping. Which meant a heavier punishement, more days of grounding and no free time. I was devistated, This could not be happening, I cried and attempted to barter with them to no avail. I went to my room miserable, and broken, I just knew the girls were going to do it without me, who wanted to play with a girl who couldn't do anything except go to church, always having to cancel for groundings and bruises I was trying to hide.

It was early in the evening when I heard the phone ring, it woke me from my crying sleep. Then my mother entered my room, an began to interrogate me about who and what and why was Sara's mom calling her home? They had never met, had no dealings with each other and what was I doing promising to go to someone's home? This turned into screaming about my sins and disobedience, which then led to a impromptu performance in front of my parents so they could see what I was supposed to be doing on that stage at school. Then being told I would have to now go to my friends home to keep up appearances and not mention the fresh bruises and cuts from the additional beating I had to take for keeping this secret and for partaking in acts that were against our religion. But, I would not let the community know or look at my parents negatively so I had to still finish what I signed up for. The final blow added to my punishment was the promise that both my parents would attend the talent show, and if they saw me do anything that would be disapproving I would be adding more pain to my rear end.

The day of, I was petrified, I couldn't concentrate on anything, so much fear entrapped me not knowing how I could go on and save myself the punishment's and not humiliate my friends. Sara H brought her Barbie shimmer makeup so we could put makeup on in the bathroom before it was time to perform. If I knew what shitting bricks meant back then that is what I would have called the way my insides were in turmoil. The fear, the dread, the humiliation that awaited me. How could I adjust the choreography so I seem hidden between them. I was the shortest but how could these two bright skinned, blonde and blue eyed girls hide my darkness between them. Crap, I just knew, No matter what if I wasn't brave enough to get on the stage, or if I said "fuck it" and went for it anyway. I was guaranteed a beating for one reason or another.

The Sara's were more understanding when I pleaded my case and told them I could not wear the matching mini skirt or makeup on my face to lighten the risk of doing something that would be consider more of a sin. I guess it was due to the fact that just the other day, when my mother forced me to rehearse after the brutal discipline they saw without a doubt the secret I had been trying to keep. It was early in the day and 1st recess bell rang, By now I was set and sure of what I was going to do, How I was not going to miss this opportunity to be seen, to become popular, to let my peers see the talents I possessed. "And, my parents, they are going to have to love it, they would be amazed at what I was capable of doing. I had choreographed an masterpiece in my heart and mind. Now was my turn to be recognized".

As I ran around the play yard feeling a confident in my ability to set up such an elaborate scheme to get my desire and keep my body clear from pain, I must have been flying in my head, because next thing I remember was picking myself up from the wet grass, wiping the dirt off my jean knee length shorts, WHY, WHY NOW!!! These were the only thing I knew I could wear that my parents would find acceptable. Sara A, ran over and helps me get up from the ground, I was humiliated again, I could hear the laughter of the boys making jokes behind me and there was my crush Chris turning his head in the other direction pretending he did not see the disaster that I to was unaware of.

Sara A, runs along side of me to the nearest restroom, we were now about 20 minutes from our long awaited debut at the Lehua Talent Show. And the final hurdle laid present to me was that of a fully engulfed grass stained rear end. How could this be, I have fallen on that field many times before, Is this really happening ? How was I going to hide this? I could not risk changing into that mini skirt, Oh no, that would be the death of me. I was vigorously warned. Sara tried to help, but she was worried and ready to complete her finishing touches and match Sara with a H. I assured her it would be okay. I would figure out how to get it off, I asked her to tell our teacher I had went to the nurses, and I would be ready by the time we had to be backstage.

I lied, again. I had no way to fix this, the more I tried to clean the green smudges off the back of my shorts, the deeper and wider the melted crayon colored green devil was spreading and my shorts only kept getting wetter. Our beginning stance was facing away the crowd they were going to see all of the stains if I could not get this to disappear. I thought that once it dried then maybe it would not be noticeable. My 8 1/5 year old self just became a master of dry cleaner. "As, if." On the contrary, it did not disappear, it was now across the entire back of my jeans and it was too late to consider any other alternative. It was time to be in front of the school, to look out into the crowd and see if maybe, I just might do so good that my parents would be smiling and they would cheer for me.

I took my place as far left of the stage as I could be to stand under the dimmer lighted area. I stood with my back facing the crowd alongside my new friends the "Sara's". We held tightly to our microphones, and twisted our hips to the beat as the song began to play. I wait for my que, I turn and face my fellow school mates and staff and family members who were present to watch all of us youth share our gifts with them. In unison we prance around each other singing and dancing as loud as we could. "And I owe it all to you." As we sing we point into the crowd, I search for my mother or my father, if they see me pointing at them they will just love it! .... "Youuuuuuuuuuuu."

But you were not there, nor were you. Where are they, I know they knew what time our talent show was taking place. I can't see them. It's okay, keep going maybe there are just to many people and you aren't looking good enough, I attempt to reassure myself as I ghostly continue on and bow to the crowd. After the last performer completes their show, and the parents start to enter the backstage with bouquets of flowers and candies for their wonderful, talented, brave children that they were so proud of. I waited to see if mine were going to come hug me, tell me that I did good and did not do anything that would shame them or God. That I wouldn't lose my chance into heaven and that I wad forgiven. All the while the pit of my soul, knew that they were not going to come back here, so I try to defend them saying to myself that maybe they had to head back to work, making me have to sweat it out just awhile longer, since I kept it a secret from them in the first place. That was my sin, that where I went wrong. Now that I knew and ask forgiveness all will be well.

As I head down the 3 mile path towards home, mildly ecstatic to be bringing home a 2nd place ribbon for my grade level. To present to my parents as testament of the work we had put into this. And how I overcame all these obstacles and still accomplished this award. When I present the ribbon to you, while you are in the kitchen. After waiting another 4 hours for you to return home from work. You ask me what was it for? ..... "WHAT WAS IT FOR??" was this a joke? No, no it was real. You never came, you never saw me, you never knew any of what I suffered through in the hopes of giving you something to love me for, to be proud of me for, to see that I was a good child. If I would have known, If someone would have told me that you would not have come that you would not have supported, that the ultimate kicker to my day was that you had forgot all about it. That the bruises and markings kept no residue in your consciousness. If I would have known.

Nothing can be redone, no moment will ever be rewritten. And this piece of cloth has now become worthless material. I must now continue searching for what will make my parents proud of me. See me for more than just the trouble I bring. But, if I would have known, I would have made the punishment I received more worth it the experience that ended with no satisfaction.