I Wish I’d Never Been Born

Memories aren’t always good. The things I remember mostly were never good . Trauma embeds itself deep within your mind . It’s always there and until you figure out a way to let it go then it will remain there. When someone hurts you that’s suppose to love you , It causes you to question everything you know about love. I remember feeling real insecure, and timid when I was hurt the first time. A parent can do even more damage to their child just with the words they say above anything else . Bruises will eventually fade , but the words you say will last forever.

When I got older, I use to wonder why me ? I never have found an answer to that question. I will never quit wondering either. A first of many memories was my sister, my father and myself in the backyard. My sister is 5 years older than me and she has more detailed memories of things that happened. I was playing with our dog , Tipsy, and my sister was building a screen cage for a squirrel she had caught . She was good at it too ! Today we laugh about her building obsession. Mama had credit at the local hardware store and they delivered too. My sister would take measurements and make out a plan . She’d call in her order and wait for her supplies to come. She wasn’t much more than 7 years old. So I was 2 years old when this happened. My dad was sitting on the back porch sharpening his pocket knives . He told me to come over to where he was sitting.. so I did .. he wasn’t mad or anything , just called me over and said give me your finger. He said feel how sharp this knife is as he took my finger he held and pushed it down on the blade , he slid it down the razor sharp edge and the. cut the end of my finger off. I remember the sting I felt before the blood started to flow . Then the pain and how bad it hurt. I was only a baby, just able to walk . I cried so hard I was choking . My sister came running and took me inside . She put cloth after cloth on my little hand . Every thing she used was soaked through with blood in no time at all. She told me sit there and don’t you move as she ran to the neighbors house to get help . Our neighbor , Jane was a teacher and home for the summer. They both came running back in. She picked me up and ran to her car , I set beside my sister and she held my finger tight . Jane was taking me to the hospital driving really fast. No words were being spoken as she got me there as quick as she could.

Jane held me tight and she ran to the emergency room . They took me right back. As soon as they payed me down, a doctor rushed in with my mama right behind him. The doctor was working on my right hand and my mama held my left hand. She said look at me .. you don’t need to watch. The doctor will make you all better. I would look at mama like she said until he hurt me .. then I just had to see. She got tired of talking I guess and just let me watch . The worst was over anyway and before long we went home . Mama let me sleep in her bed . She pulled the covers back, I got in and I felt lost in that big bed . As she was tucking me , I felt my sister crawl in beside me. That felt better , it’s just what I was needing. We lay there in the dark not saying a word , there were no words needed. What we had just experienced, was indescribable anyway. I had all I needed right beside me. I loved my sister then as much as I do now, and that’s a lot.