I Was An Addict

Addiction comes in many forms. Addiction also has many faces. I know this because I am an addict. I no longer active in my addiction. However once you lose all control and become addicted to something, no matter what it may be the truth is even once you stop this affliction you always have a great chance of returning to it. Or even picking up a new one. Many people who have never had to deal with being an addict or had one they cared about, will tell you that addicts are weak individuals. I don't believe that for one second. As an addict you are not weak, on the contrary most addicts are very strong individuals that unfortunately are trying to most of the time cover up and run from their pain. Whether it be mental, emotional, psychological, or physical pain. Pain comes in many forms and fashions. Just like addictions do.

I personally used to cover up my issues with physical abuse from my ex. As well as my PTSD, and my many self esteem issues that I have had since a young age. No matter why I was using, I thought that I was using to feel better. When in fact using was always making me feel more alone. When I was active in my addiction I lost everyone around me. It took me a long time to realize that when I was high no one I cared about wanted to be around me. Which was in turn making me more miserable than I thought I was when I was sober.

I have lived around and with people with all kinds of addiction, from gambling, marijuana, to alcohol and opiates. It doesn't matter how you chose to drown your sorrows or try and mask what your hurting from. You can't ever run from your pain and problems. Because these things that we become dependent on just cover over everything you are feeling for a short time, they are in fact a mask if you will. In the long run these obsessions actually make matters in our lives a lot worse. In fact it can make matters in your life down right nonexistent.

What you may ask made me want to discontinue the negative down slope I was travelling on. Well there were several variables involved. The first being I was tired of truly feeling alone and watching everyone I loved and cared about walk out of my life. I was tired of watching everyone around me that was left die or come very close to dying. ( myself included ) When you have saved your best friends life more times than you can count, the reality or severity sets in. The rigorousness of the whole picture hits you in the face when you have to give a Narcan shot to a friend who is turning purple and foaming at the mouth on your kitchen floor. And at the same time realizing that you are the only one in the house lucid enough to administer the shot. That tends to wake you up a bit.

I was growing increasingly tired of waking up sick and craving something that I was not sure or not if I would even wake up after the next time I used it. The fact that when you don't have it makes you violently ill. Should turn you off from the start. I finally realized that there was nothing in the world worth making myself feel this way day in and day out. So it was not easy ( though it was an easy decision ) I stopped poisoning my body, soul, and my mind. Do I feel great everyday, the answer is no I do still wake up some days in so much physical pain I can not move. But I muscle through it because I will not put myself or those I love through that again. After over a year of being clean, I do still get a craving for it every so often. But that only happens when I am depressed or stressed overly. Then it becomes mind over matter, and just reminding myself that I don't need any of that negativity in my life. Unfortunately many of my friends including my best friend did not realize these things soon enough. And too many of them are no longer with us. But that is part of why I vowed to always tell my story, because if it helps one person then it was worth reliving it.