I Want to Kill My Feelings, and You?

Sadness, anger, feeling lost, and others—emotions I wish I could kill one day.

There’s no enemy more deadly than them. They burn you from the inside, leaving no evidence to incriminate them. No one even notices, and there’s no chance for anyone to save you. Who’s going to save you from your own feelings anyway? That’s just foolish.

They mess you up, turn you into someone unrecognizable, and steal your life piece by piece without asking.

From here, my story begins with feelings. I realized what they were doing to me, and that’s why they became my first enemy. All I wanted was to destroy them. The only question that echoed in my mind was: How can I rid myself of these feelings?

I knew very well that not every question had an answer, but I had to find one for mine, no matter the cost. As long as these feelings existed, finding the answer was inevitable—I couldn’t live with them anymore. It was either me or them.

So, my battle began—firm and serious. I had to find a way. I prepared myself for war, reading books, using psychological methods, consulting experts—desperately seeking a way to rid myself of these feelings.

Unfortunately, despite all this, I was always the only loser, and the loss was always cruel. Whenever I believed I had overcome them, they came back—face to face, stronger than before, crushing me once again. It felt like I lost my memory, as if I hadn’t learned anything. All the rules and lessons I had used to prepare myself disappeared, forcing me to start from scratch.

There is a rule of war that says: If you cannot kill your enemy, at least try to reach a settlement or form an alliance with them.

Sun Tzu, in his book The Art of War, says: "If you cannot defeat your enemy, try to find a way to coexist with them."

He also stated: "Do everything you can to avoid war. But if you are forced to fight, fight wisely. If victory is not possible, seek paths to peace."

And from my painful loss in my war, my journey began

• Black Swan Feelings

Bad feelings, negative emotions, or whatever we choose to call the feelings we don’t want to feel. I’m not sure why we label them that way, maybe because they’re the opposite of peace, happiness, and comfort—like a black swan. From now on, I’ll call them black swans.

Maybe it’s because everyone is so against these feelings and obsessed with overcoming them that we’ve started treating them like enemies.

Even many books and talks focus on how to get rid of bad feelings, instead of understanding what they really are or why we feel them in the first place. This only fuels our anger towards them.

However, the more we fight these emotions, the stronger they become. It’s as if our minds believe we’re up against a deadly enemy when in reality, they are just feelings.

I was speechless when I read a book by a psychiatrist once, where he discussed the good reasons behind bad feelings. Honestly, it felt more realistic than most books, which usually seem too perfect to be true.

The words from the book stopped me. When the author asked a psychiatrist about the cause of depression, the psychiatrist replied, “Depression is what makes us human.”

Depression—it’s a normal feeling! I wonder, if we treated it like any other emotion, without blowing it out of proportion or blaming ourselves for it, would it feel as heavy as it does now?

We always blamed ourselves for our emotions, thinking they were signs of weakness. But have you ever stopped to ask yourself: Aren’t these feelings just natural responses to what we’re going through? Should I really be happy right now? Isn’t it normal to feel this way? Isn’t it foolish to pretend otherwise? Why was I still drowning in self-blame and guilt?

How can someone who has lost a loved one, their dream, their way, or who has been let down or told they’re facing a serious illness, be expected to smile and laugh as if nothing happened? Is this really what I wanted by killing my feelings?

They’re not inherently bad—they’re natural reactions to what we’re going through. If there’s a problem, it’s with the situation, not with us or our emotions. What truly needs fixing is the circumstance, not the feelings.

Maybe the reason lies in how we were raised—our parents picked which feelings we should have and canceled the others, believing that this would lead to good mental health. We grew up thinking that life should be free from pain and struggle.

The more this way of raising us persisted, the more it created an emotionally fragile generation, which is why we are weaker than our parents’ and grandparents’ generations.

Then comes what they called ‘maturity,’ or as I call it, the beginning of the storm. They left us to face life, thinking we’re ready, but instead, we’re thrown into a whirlwind of emotions. We don’t understand what’s happening, nor do we realize these new feelings. We can’t name or explain them because we don’t really know what they are.

A pile of unnamed feelings builds up, and you prefer to stay silent, even though deep down you’re screaming for help. But you already know how they’ll react—they’ll tell you to stay strong, or worse, accuse you of exaggerating.

Over time, these unnamed emotions pile up, leading to severe mental distress and internal suffering.

You cherish yourself, then start trying to get back up—perhaps it’s our desire to take revenge against the feeling and revenge for ourselves. We rush to solve it and get rid of it, but we fail, and that only brings frustration and self-blame. Things still get worse as long as we resist accepting them.

As Stephen Covey said: “ It is simply impossible to violate, ignore, or shortcut this development process. It is contrary to nature, and attempting to seek such a shortcut only results in disappointment and frustration.” And that’s exactly what we’ve been doing.

At that time, we weren’t fighting just one war, but two—the war with the feelings we were stuck with and the war with the ones we wanted to feel. That’s where things got messy: our craving for quick fixes and shortcuts.

However, all we really needed at that time was to understand that all feelings are important and exist for a reason—even when they’re painful. That doesn’t diminish their importance or the impact they have on us.

Every feeling is like a new birth—we’re born with every feeling inside us. It starts with pain but ends with a renewed soul. To bring this new soul to life, pain is necessary. The good feelings we’re all chasing are born from facing the hard ones.

Failure is painful, and everyone naturally hates it, but it serves as a teacher for success. Fear was the fuel for your courage, and the disappointment that led to your despair is the source of your strength now.

I know sadness breaks the heart, yet it is also the reason behind happiness. It gives you a chance to truly appreciate the joyful moments. Even depression, in its own way, might spark a longing for freedom.

If it weren’t for my depression, I wouldn’t have known the feeling of freedom when I was finally free. And if it weren’t for my periods of loss, I wouldn’t have felt the clarity and access that came after.

Things reveal their value through their opposites. If it weren’t for black, there wouldn’t be a color called white—the existence of white depends on the presence of black.

Allah created suffering so that happiness may appear through its opposite. Things manifest through their opposites.” – Jalal al-Din Rumi

Don’t think that going through bad feelings means something is wrong with you or that you don’t deserve to feel better. It’s a necessary journey that everyone must go through, leading you to the opposite feeling.

They are steps that prepare us from within for what’s coming. We grow through these feelings, not the good ones. It’s a ladder of emotions, with strength, peace, and self-sufficiency waiting at the top. These feelings won’t come without a revolution of emotions, and you can’t reach the top without climbing each step. Each feeling teaches us something, guiding us to the one we truly deserve.

I think it’s not about loving these feelings but about accepting them as part of the journey. Good feelings don’t come from the absence of bad ones—they come from our ability to face them, move through them, and rise stronger on the other side.

Maybe it’s time to see them as essential steps in becoming better versions of ourselves.

The good feelings we strive for are not the end goal—they are the result of a journey filled with diverse emotions.

I won’t lie to you or pretend to be perfect. I’m still trying to understand these feelings myself. But what I’ve realized has changed me; I no longer want to kill them away or destroy them anymore. Instead, I’m learning to accept them when I face them.

At least, I admitted the fact that there was no real war in the first place. I was only fighting myself.

There's no need to waste your energy on fake battles.

These are just feelings—experience them, but don’t get lost in them or stuck. Take the lesson they offer and understand what they’re trying to tell you. They are simply messages, perhaps they are a guide for your journey. Accept that they are part of your path and a natural part of being human.

Life isn’t about reaching absolute happiness. It’s about finding balance among all these emotions. To fully embrace the good ones, you first have to go through their opposites—that’s how you truly feel them when you finally reach them.