I Resign From

I feel that through life many things have occurred that often stunted my ability to speak out. Out of fear, intimidation, or worry about others...I often found myself silent out of need to protect not only myself but the people surrounding me.

I had no way of knowing that many of the people in my family were toxic, abusive, and narcissistic.

However, time does show you that the wickedness by which we are born into is something that most of us cannot control. Family dynamics and the expected behaviors that go into what is acceptable from one family to the next vary greatly, but I learned from a very young age how to read a room and behave accordingly. This was a defense mechanism that has lent to my becoming a hyper vigilant person.

I used to live in fear. I was afraid to step out of line. I was afraid to make waves. I wanted calmness, peace, a place I could feel safe and didn't have to walk on eggshells, but life never fully gave me that. At times, I felt it, and I know it's something that I've worked to create for myself as an adult and also took me a long time to produce.

That isn't to say I feel I have fully reached the place of quiet solitude and sanctuary that I've been looking for, but I am pretty close to it and my overall mental outlook is much better.

In 2020, I made a new commitment to myself, and while I'd been working hard on doing things to better my family's life, in the end I still towed the line in a lot of ways. It was not until my father died in 2022 that I really began to step out from the former mentality I'd had. I began to go see places I wanted to see, make tribute to the things that brought me joy, and spend time with my loved ones.

And, so I began to embrace things like DIFFICULT HONESTY, and shadow work. That first one being the primary one because I felt it critical that I learn it was okay to speak up and out when I felt something wasn't right and needed to see it changed. Often, however, in my past if I made any attempts to do that I would be met with fierce ostracization and I've never forgotten the way that made me feel.

And, so I resign from it all. I resign from caring if you think I am nice. I don't want to be nice. Being nice is a four letter word I find profane. I want to be myself, authentic, truthful, and forthcoming. I want to be my best self, but free to share my thoughts and sometimes they're not so nice at all, but even so I couldn't express to people how great it feels to finally be okay in your own skin. How wonderful is my life now that I've began to be all these things I bottled up before, and felt challenged by those around me for just feeling?

And more than that, I resign from this belief that if I am difficult or find something to be upsetting that I should consider someone else's feelings prior to letting free my truth. I can never be the sort of person who sits there and allows someone else's feelings to prevent me from saying my truth ever again and I refuse to. It does me no good to maintain connections with people who make me feel pressed to consider them over my own mental welfare - and furthermore, what kind of people want that anyway?

I think anyone who takes a gander at themselves in the mirror will come to understand that realistically, letting yourself be a doormat only puts you in the path of being stomped on and worn out - and eventually, like any good doormat you eventually come apart at the seams and become a useless piece of trash that had otherwise held up purpose. But think about it, you were the ones everyone stepped, wiped their feet on, and continually needed to stan on to get ahead, but when it came down to your needs...well, if you're lucky you might get the dust beat out of you but we all know it still winds up the same.

It's a cycle that I was tired of, and I felt small, disempowered and weak. Yet, now after completely shirking this programming from my life, I have found new horizons that I am happily embracing and hope will help me soar beyond them even. There's far too much in life that I'd love to do with myself, and as a humanitarian who wants to make a difference I don't feel keeping my mouth shut is the way to accomplish a single one of my goals.

And so I won't. 🤷‍♀️