"I'm okay."

CW:// open and frank discussion about anxiety, depression, obsessive-compulsive disorder, self-harm and suicide.

Lies. People tell them all the time. Sometimes it's to stay out of trouble. Sometimes it's to get what they want. Sometimes they don't even know why they've lied.

But there is one lie that everyone tells. And everyone knows exactly why they tell it.

"I'm okay."

Because what's the alternative? The truth?

"I'm not okay, actually, I washed my hair over the bath today because it desperately needed doing but my OCD brain told me I couldn't just jump in the shower."

"I'm not okay, actually, I have a ball of dread pressing down on my chest, pushing the oxygen out and making me literally convulse when I exhale too hard."

"I'm not okay, actually, I have been sitting in this one position for so long because my limbs are heavy and I am literally too depressed to even wiggle my fingers."

Not so pretty, is it?

The fact is, not everyone who asks how you are wants the truth. People ask it as a courtesy. They kind of want to know how you're doing, but they don't want to know the ins and outs of your struggles. They don't want to have an in-depth discussion about your pain. And that's not necessarily their fault. They may have their own issues. Their minds may be elsewhere. They may not have time to sit and chat. So we default to the lie. I'm okay. I'm not too bad, thanks. Yeah, I'm fine.

But why should we?

The world has come a long way in destigmatising mental health, and there are many more open discussions happening online. Yet still we feel we need to hide our struggles from people we know care about us. Perhaps we want to protect the ones we love, or are afraid of upsetting them. But it needs to stop. Because I promise you now, reader, your loved ones will be more upset to see the fresh scars on your arms, or to see you in hospital after you've overdosed. Communication saves lives.

So here I am, sharing my struggle with mental health. I've come a long way, but the struggle is ongoing, with new demons appearing out of nowhere. Sometimes I worry that I'm "airing my dirty laundry", oversharing, being attention-seeking, which is the absolute last thing I want to be. But it's important to have these conversations, and if I get them started, it's worth it.

Last year, I was signed off for six weeks due to my mental health. I began therapy for generalised anxiety and depression, and a few sessions in was confirmed to also have OCD and a skin-picking disorder. I've shared about my anxiety and depression before in my post about leaving teaching, as well as in a long post I wrote for MHAW 2021, so I won't write hundreds of pages (except I probably will because I do like to waffle). Instead, I am going to share how these diagnoses affect my day to day life. In doing so, I hope that you will understand me a little better, feel more confident in sharing your own struggles, and hopefully seek help if you recognise any of the feelings I talk about.

Anxiety

Mostly a ball of dread that weighs heavily on my chest. Sometimes uncontrollable tears and panic. Triggered by most confrontations unless I feel very passionately about what I am arguing for (LGBTQIA+ rights, misogyny, racism, sexism, to name a few). Also triggered (and this is a very recent one) by long car journeys because I panic about not being able to get up and walk around. This has affected my ability to go and see my in-laws twice now. Luckily, my MIL came to visit recently and we had a lovely time.

Depression

I get what I call "depression paralysis". I'm pretty sure there's a scientific name for it, but that's my name for it. I will sit in a position and watch/read something, and my limbs will get heavy and I'll suddenly be so exhausted that even moving my fingers an inch feels like the hardest thing in the world. I have to force myself to lift my hand off the table, and even then it feels...wrong. It takes a lot to get out of this. Other times I will just space out, feeling nothing but the crushing weight of a despair I can't quite describe or pinpoint in my brain. Rarely do I cry when I'm feeling depressed, but when I do, it doesn't rain, it pours.

Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder

Unlike how it is portrayed on TV, OCD is not just about wanting everything super clean - if it were, my house would be tidier! OCD is made up of intrusive thoughts, or "obsessions", and the rituals, or "compulsions", done to get rid of these thoughts. Intrusive thoughts get stuck in your head and can be violent or disturbing. They cause distress because usually they go completely against the thinker's core values.

One example of an intrusive thought (and this is one of my tamest ones, which hopefully demonstrates how disturbing they can be) is when I'm looking at my dog, Alfie, lying with his front legs stretched out. The intrusive thought is, "I should stamp on his legs and break them." Even typing that out set off compulsions for me, because I would never do it, the thought is abhorrent to me. But those thoughts will appear, often at random but more frequently when stressed, and set off compulsions.

My compulsions vary in severity depending on how awful the thought is. Sometimes it's a hard blink, sometimes it's a small shake of the head, sometimes it's hand spasms. For really horrific thoughts, it can be a mix of all of them. These compulsions are my way of trying to remove the thought from my head. Unfortunately, I'm not always successful.

Other times, the intrusive thoughts won't be as disturbing, but will set off certain rituals. For example, I applied for a job recently and my brain told me if I didn't win at Wordle every day while I waited for a response, I wouldn't get the job. And if I didn't play, I also wouldn't get it. In a way, I'm glad I didn't get that job, partially because a better opportunity has come along (keep your fingers crossed for me!), but also because I did win Wordle every day, so the ritual didn't work. It hasn't removed the compulsion, but I have evidence there's no power in it. Hopefully I won't go through this cycle again.

Then there are the rituals that have absolutely no reasoning. Unless I really force myself to, I cannot wear shoes with laces. I need to wear slip-ons. If I'm wearing laced shoes, it's kind of a big deal. I also have to hang up washing on the airer before I put it away, even if it's dry. This does make it easier to get through washing and makes the task seem less daunting, but it's adding an unnecessary step. But I have to do it. I just have to.

Skin-Picking Disorder

Ties in with anxiety and OCD. I have a dry patch of skin on my temple. The more stressed I am, the more it itches. Sometimes an intrusive thought will enter my head and scratching my head is my way of dealing with it - I wrote about this process in my poem on rituals. I've had creams to help it, and they work sometimes, but in difficult periods (such as my current third-of-life crisis), it can be very sore.

I also pick spots. Now, many people love a good spot-picking video. Personally, I can't watch them, although I do like picking an especially good one on someone's back. But when it's constant, it makes breakouts worse, and makes the spot hang around for longer. I occasionally get spots on my chest; if I left them alone, they'd go in a few days, but because of the compulsion, they don't heal for a couple of weeks.

I also pick freckles and moles. I have very freckly arms, which is mostly fine, but the second one feels slightly raised, it's getting picked. Looking closely at my forearms, I have several small pink scars from where I've literally gouged the freckles off my body. It's not classed as self-harm because I'm not doing it to hurt myself, but they can get very sore. Again, this is worsened by stress.

Oh look, I started waffling.

Sorry about that. If you're still with me, thank you for reading. I still have a long way to go on my mental health journey, but I am taking time for myself. I'm painting, taking drawing classes, spending more time online with friends. Joining my husband's Discord server and playing games with people has been so good for my mental health. Before that, I would sit with the TV on, messing around on my laptop, isolating myself from everyone. It took joining Discord to realise how low I was.

So now you know me a little better. Maybe a little too much? But if anything I've spoken about resonated with you, please consider reaching out to friends, to family, to your GP, even to me! Also, small tip, consider giving that horrible voice in your brain a name and telling it to F off every now and again. Mine is called Susan. Susan is a b*tch.

The important thing to remember is that you are not alone. There are people in this world who care about you, even if you don't feel that way. Reach out, don't be afraid, everything will be okay.

Mental Health Charities

Mind: a charity with plenty of resources for helping yourself or others. https://www.mind.org.uk/

Shout: a 24/7 text message crisis service. https://giveusashout.org/

Samaritans: suicide hotline. https://www.samaritans.org/