I AM BIPOLAR

Not again!!!!!! Will this vicious cycle ever end? I can always see it coming, I know exactly what lies ahead. Destruction! Destruction of my life. Destruction of the lives of those unlucky enough to be around me.

I can feel it coming on yet I do nothing to prevent it from happening again. Each time it gets worse more innocent people get hurt, The run away train turned Tasmanian Devil that is my life spinning out of control destroying everything and everyone in my wake. Then it's over. Just like that.

I find myself sitting in the middle of the rubble and ruins unbelieving I could have caused such devastation and destruction. Bits and pieces of their lives everywhere. How could they ever put all the pieces back together again? Surely they wouldn't even be able to find them all. What have I done?! Why do I keep doing this? Keep hurting the ones I love the most?

What is wrong with me? How do I live with myself? In bed with my head hidden under the covers that's how. I can't even look in the mirror, too afraid to face the evil looking back at me. Am I demon possessed? No, I can't be, I'm a good person with a huge heart who would give anything do anything for anyone, friend and stranger alike.

That is until they cross me or I'm having a bad day or well for absolutely no conceivable reason at all and I lose it and destroy everything. I am forgiven most of the time you know because I am me and the real me is such a wonderful woman, so easy to love and forgive. Where did this monster come from they ask, this just isn't you they say. But is it? Maybe I am secretly pure evil, Satan incarnate. That would explain how it is so so easy for me to destroy a life. Never take one but make them wish that I had. And for what? I mean what have they done to me what could anyone do to me to make me act and react the way I do.

The more it happens the more I begin to fear for myself and those around me. I feel as though I need to be chained up and locked in a room until it passes. I mean I do always see it coming so why not take the proactive approach to this and just hide from the world and myself until the threat is over?

I don't get it I don't want to hurt anybody ever. I would so much rather be the one getting hurt than to hurt someone else yet when the evil as I call it comes out that's all I know how to do. Hurt, hurt and hurt. Nobody is safe when I'm like that. Why can't I control it?

What is wrong with me? One second I am a saint the next a holy terror out to get everyone. And what's wrong with all these people who forgive me and act like nothing ever happened? Did I really terrify them to the point that they don't dare speak a word of it for fear it will set me off again? Or is it that they are just too traumatized to face the truth themselves?

I'm evil! But I'm Good! I am both. I am Bipolar.