How to Heal a Wound of the Soul That Still Hurts

Emotional abandonment is built in childhood when those caring for the child do not support and fulfill the child's needs to grow and become emotionally rich. Find out from a psychologist what the emotional wound of abandonment means and what you can do to heal from it!

Many people struggle with feelings about unmet emotional needs, experiencing this emotional abandonment, roots in childhood.

Although the term 'abandonment' usually leads us to think of physical separation, concretely, in the case of emotional abandonment, it is a more abstract context, which falls within emotional sensations as if something is not precisely correct.

It is important to note that emotional abandonment has nothing to do with physical proximity. You may feel abandoned even by a very close person, but with whom the connection, the human connection is not built, thus leaving unmet emotional needs.

People who struggle with abandonment often fear being left alone or even come to believe that they are meant to be alone after a long time.

Unfulfilled, frustrating relationships are built on insecurities and fears. Moreover, the fear of abandonment leads to abandonment in the physical case in which the person leaves the interpersonal relationship, thus leading to a self-fulfilling prophecy.

The fear of abandonment often has its roots in childhood

This emotional abandonment is built in childhood when those caring for the child do not support and fulfill the child's needs to grow and become emotionally rich. The child grows up in an environment where somehow part of it is not accepted. In this way, the child 'learns' that it is not ok to display that part.

For example, learn that:

• It is not ok to make mistakes;

• It is not ok to show your emotions;

• He is told that the emotions displayed are not genuine;

• Needs are not for everyone;

• The needs of others are more critical;

• Achievements and success are minimized.

Other ways this emotional abandonment happens when the child:

• Does not live up to parents' expectations; which are often unrealistic and inappropriate for the child's age;

• Is held accountable for the behavior of others, especially for the action and feelings of the parents - the classic 'because of you.'

• Disagreement about a specific action is expressed as disagreement about the whole person and identity of the child instead of being represented as disagreement about the particular behavior.

These early experiences translate into fear of being abandoned by essential people as an adult.

Although some degree of fear of abandonment is standard as part of the human experience, when it becomes severe and affects the quality of life, and often very difficult to manage, it can be the leading cause in the difficulty of creating healthy relationships.

In the situation where children have grown up with a chronic loss, in the absence of the physical and mental protection they need and deserve, they internalize fear. Lack of attention and security both physically and emotionally translates into abandonment.

Living with repeated experiences of abandonment gives rise to a high sense of shame. This is outlined in the implicit, unconscious message of abandonment experiences: "You are not important. You are not of value. "From this place, starting with these messages, it is necessary to begin healing.

Children are dependent on the protection of their caregivers to provide them with a safe environment in which to develop. When this does not happen, the belief is formed that the world is insecure, where people are not trustworthy and do not deserve proper attention and care.

Never hide 'that' part of you ...

Emotional abandonment occurs when parents do not provide a dynamic environment for healthy development. Emotional abandonment is also described as the phenomenon that occurs when the child 'learns' from experience that he must hide a part of who he is to be accepted or not to be rejected.

Hiding a part of yourself means:

• It is not good to make a mistake

• It is not good to display emotions, to be told that the way you feel is not accurate. For example, "You have no reason to cry, and if you don't stop crying, I'll give you a reason to cry." Sound familiar?

• It's not good to have needs. The needs of others seem much more important than yours.

• It is not good to be successful. Achievements are not seen and are often minimized.

Often the problems of abandonment are mixed with vague perceptions and boundaries on the part of parents, such as parents who do not see the child as a separate being with distinct edges and unconsciously expect it to be an extension of their person; when the parents are not willing to take responsibility for their feelings, thoughts, and behaviors but expect the child to take responsibility; when the child's behavior nurtures the parent's self-image.

Abandonment, along with unclear boundaries, when the child develops self-image and self-worth, is the foundation of beliefs about inadequacy as the leading cause of their shame. These are by no means indicators of the child's value but better expressed; they are indicators of erroneous thinking about oneself and false beliefs.

These emotional wounds are deep and accurate and are reproduced in adult relationships. The causes of emotional wounds must be understood and accepted to begin the healing process.

Abandonment and Trauma. When the healing begins

Sometimes these experiences of abandonment can be real traumatic events in a person's life. The death of a parent can be such a trauma for a child and an inability to feel safe due to physical or sexual abuse or lack of shelter. A pattern of emotional neglect can be translated as traumatic.

In addressing the psychological problems resulting from the feeling of abandonment in therapy, it can bring to the surface either trauma or deep fears associated with childhood experiences.

In working with an integrative therapist, a person learns how to separate past fears from present reality, building an environment to develop realistic perceptions, reactions, and expectations from life and oneself.

The recovery process begins when the person recognizes that these fears have their roots in the past and have developed as a creative way of surviving to control the outside and achieve a sense of security.

Archetypes and mythology: Abandonment is also found in stories about impossible love

Mythology is full of stories about abandonment or impossible love, especially women who have dedicated their entire lives to their partners to find themselves one day abandoned for a noble cause. Some psychologists, such as Carl Jung, argue that these myths and legends have become part of the collective unconscious. We all internalized specific stories at a primary level and made them part of the standard way of seeing the world.

The physique tells us a lot about inner feelings.

People who are sensitive to abandonment are also susceptible to rejection. These wounds come to the surface when the person feels rejected, usually in relationships with partners of the opposite sex.

The reaction formed is one of addiction—validation dependency in relationships, for example. The feeling is that he never receives enough love to support himself. It is possible to build the environment so that it is easy for him to play the role of victim to receive attention and support; he will create many difficulties to trigger these reactions to those around him.

There is a lot of literature about the general effects of perceived childhood abandonment. I will briefly dwell on the impact on the physique.

Listen to the messages your body sends you: The effects of emotional abandonment on the physical.

Lise Bourbeau explains how the experience at the bodily, somatic level, personal consciousness, is the most authentic in life.

You can see the inner messages at this level and experience consistency and emotional stability. Without bodily awareness of how our emotions affect our physique (both in terms of posture, muscle, breathing, general physical attitude, etc.), we have a low experience of our personal and present feelings, which leaves the feeling of emptiness and instability.

There is an equivalent in the body for every psychological pattern, a somatic pattern that manifests itself. Abandonment is displayed in the body in the form of lack of tone and poor posture, difficult to sustain as if it were difficult for the person to support himself. It is manifested by dependent and co-dependent behaviors in personal relationships and towards other substances at the psychological level.

Somatic intelligence: Trust in the 'inner voice' (instinct) heals ...

It is essential to learn how to 'listen' to these bodily messages when working with a therapist and trust somatic intelligence, also called 'instinct' or 'inner voice.'

Touching is essential and can strongly impact recovering from the fear of abandonment, for example. Unfortunately for many people, this intelligence is somehow dormant.

To compensate for the internal experience, the person concentrates a lot of attention in the external environment to seek attention and validate their own emotions, even their identity. When we constantly look outside without realizing our inner states, we miss the opportunity to build self-confidence and are left with the feeling of inner fragility.

Somatic experience helps us differentiate the subtle internalized messages of the past and recognize the differences between the moments when there is no alternative and the present moment when there is an alternative of personal choice.

Healing the wound of abandonment involves more than interventions at the supportive and nourishing relational level; it is also essential interventions at the physical level.

One can learn empathy and acceptance, affirmation and respect for oneself, the commitment of one's desires and needs, as well as work on the early dissociation experiences that formed this mind-body split, to provide the opportunity for fully authentic personal expression in any context not only in the therapist's office.

The fear of abandonment also affects self-esteem.

Those who struggle with the fear of abandonment can notice how it negatively affects self-esteem, causing feelings of worthlessness towards oneself. This is a much broader topic of how fear of abandonment affects self-image, and I will address it in detail in the next episode.

You are terrified that this fear of abandonment will become actual one day, and the anxieties are just as real and affect your self-esteem. Fear and anxiety are the two mainstays of low self-esteem.

Based on early experiences, perceptions and beliefs about oneself develop.

Anxiety is exaggerated and penetrates any area of ​​a person's life and affects the ability to make decisions, to relax, to maintain determination or simply motivation, the ability to recover from a disappointment, emotional stability, energy person, the ability to learn, the openness to learn new skills, the ability to introspect.