How to Dissapear

How easy would it be to forget your life, jump on a train and start again? How many people would miss you, and how long before they forgot you? In the absence of a loving environment growing up, or in traumatic circumstances, maybe you'd rather they had forgotten you. Maybe you needed an escape, and you thought about it. Maybe you still think about it.

Let's talk about the desire to disappear.

At a base level, I think we can all agree this often stems from some form of unhappiness in one's life; from trauma, to abusive circumstances whether physical or emotional, or perhaps a dislike related to the monotony or staleness of your life. Don't get me wrong, I'm not qualified to dive into the psychological aspect of how or why our brain does this. But as a fellow struggler who's experienced this as well, let's talk about it. I mean really talk about it, not the fake excuses you give your friends and family to make sure they think you're okay. Let's be frank with each other here. I want to talk about the raw fantasy of it without a therapist asking us why we feel that way.

Money is the first problem, you have to eat to survive. But maybe you find a job at a diner on the highway. You can make enough money to eat, maybe even get shift meals, wash up in the sink in the back. Now you need a place to sleep. Until you get your first paycheque that's gonna be a rough one, you need somewhere off the ground so you don't freeze at night, and some blankets too. Barring those basic necessities you may start to miss some of the comforts of your old life, though being away from it may still be worth it to you. Now what? Are you happy yet?

No? Well, okay.

What makes you happy? It's okay if you don't know, don't feel bad if you can't think of an answer. When you're living in survival mode for so long, just working or doing our best to stay alive, we can forget about our own desires sometimes. Let's try this.

When was the last time you felt happy? I wish I could give an end-all answer, but this depends on you as a person. Change can be scary, but if you think about it we only really dread change before it happens, and perhaps in the early onset of it. Whether that's a new job, new friends, new life in a new city, the human mind is very adaptable. You'll get used to your new circumstances readily enough, don't let your brain scare you. Or tune you out.

Maybe you dissociate from reality? Dissociation is a mental process of disconnecting from one's thoughts, feelings, memories or sense of identity. It can easily be romanticized by the person feeling it as slipping off into your own personal world. A wonderful world of daydreams and fantasies, but unfortunately it's just that: a fantasy. Bitter sweet, isn't it?

Why not try to make those fantasies come true?

Hop on your metaphorical train and ride it to wherever it goes. Stay in the shadows in the back that no one ever checks... And meet someone just like you. Let them treat your wounds, and treat theirs in return. Trust them and love them, and let them do the same to you. Is this happiness? It could be. But you'll never know unless you find it for yourself. Have you cracked the code yet? Maybe you didn't have to disappear to find it... You just had to look for what makes you happy, truly, personally happy. You'll find it, I know you will. You read this hoping for an answer right? Sorry, I don't have it. But you do, deep down, and I hope this piece has given you some knowledge to help you find it.

And at the end of the day... This crazy train we call life? Don't take it too seriously. Eat good food, sleep well, and do what you have to do to keep on going. But enjoy yourself; you may as well, right? I have faith in your ability, and I hope you do too. Thank you for your determination to keep going, and inspiring others to do the same, even if you didn't know you did.

- A fellow struggler