How to deal with hopelessness, despair and being suicidal.

Today I wake up confused, scared and completely hopeless at the direction of my life and the choices I've made. Although I try and remain optimistic I can't help but feel a weight baring down on my body and overwhelming sadness that says "stay the fuck in bed there's no point". I know most people will say "you should go to the hospital" but if you're like me and have BPD going to the hospital can sometimes feel like a bad option because I've been there so many fucking times that it seems like a waste of my time.

This is my step by step on how the hell I'm going to deal with it.

1 - Open your god damn blinds and make your bed. I know that this can feel like a daunting task when you want to blow your own brains out but it is one of many SMALL things you can do to start improving these feelings.

2 - Fucking eat - I don't care if its chocolate and peanut butter with a spoon (seriously I do this some days), or a bowl of vegetables. You. Need. To. Eat. SOMETHING. This will help you regulate and handle these emotions more effectively.

3 - Bathe - If you need to stand in your fucking shower and sob while the water runs down your face do it. You might still feel suicidal but at least you'll be a suicidal person that smells good and I promise it will help a little bit on the road to feeling better.

4 - Plan the day and the things you want to accomplish - some days this can mean eating three meals, brushing your teeth, going for a walk or getting groceries. If you have to work make the goals that you want to accomplish at work. DOING THIS DOES NOT MEAN INVALIDATE WHAT YOU ARE FEELING. It just means that you keep moving even if you are feeling these big emotions.

5 - If you can meditate, write, do something to help release it. I meditate an hour a fucking day and still run into these thoughts. HOWEVER the meditation absolutely helps my ability to regulate and not let them overtake me. For example writing this blog that probably nobody will read.

6 - LAST MOST IMPORTANT STEP CHECK YO FUCKING SCRIPT. Look I want someone to come and rescue me as much as the next guy but that will just lead me down a road of addiction and will never fulfill what I am seeking. If I sit around all day telling myself "I suck I can't do this this is too much blah blah blah" it will absolutely make it worse and that would be 100% on me. This is not to say that YOUR PAST IS INVALID. You probably feel this way because your needs were not met as a child and let me emphasize that that fucking sucks and is so painful. The radical acceptance of that will help you heal. You CAN move forward doing these things for yourself WHILE validating your past. You can feel these big feelings and speak to yourself with kindness. For example right now I am saying "I feel suicidal and hopeless but I know I can do this and that it will pass". Do I believe this statement right now? FUCK NO but that's not the point. I'm going to repeat this shit all day you know why? Because it is the ONLY way we can rewire our brains through repetition and let me tell you that because of this practice these heavier days don't feel as heavy or unmanageable as they once did.

That's it, those are the steps I will be doing for myself today. I still feel hopeless and like my life is one huge joke after another but I will choose to keep the script that everything will be okay, is okay and good things are happening for me everyday. I am grateful for the food in my fridge, the people around me, the ability to make music, the beautiful scenery around me and every breath I take.

If you can't find gratitude anywhere be grateful for the breath. You have an abundance of that shit all day.