How to Cope When Leaving a Narcissist Isn’t an Option

While you are in a relationship with a narcissist, there is not much you can do to better your life. I know many people who will never leave the narcissist they are with.

Rather than insisting on “no contact,” as if it were the only game in town, I believe we should all accept this reality.

A person could not feel they can flee their secret abuser for a number of different reasons.

Maybe they cannot provide for themselves.

They could have a child with their abuser.

Maybe they are in love for the violent person.

They have maybe developed a trauma connection to their abuser.

Perhaps they fear what the narcissist would do should they try to leave.

As far as we are concerned, all we can do is help victims decide to leave and continue without touch; we cannot criticize the choices another person has taken in their lives.

One cannot force them to do it.

Still, there are a few easy things you can do to help yourself while you are still in the relationship.

Grey Rock is a method that I do not think is very well explained.

The phrase “grey rock” refers to a lack of reaction to the narcissist or an emotionlessness.

Your answer to them determines their supply; hence, if you do not reply to them, you are giving them none.

Still, there is danger linked with this.

If you do not provide them any resource, they will typically try to set off it.

This game has the potential to become dangerous as the narcissist is raising his aggressiveness and wants a response out of you.

Eventually, a narcissist will push and prod you until almost no method to avoid responding in some kind is possible. You will be expected to respond at this point.

Grey Rock can only thus go so far.

The Grey Rock method allows you to talk just about surface-level objects. Though unusual, you should see this as a casual talk with the most important people in your life.

Discuss anything except major subjects, including the weather, breakfast, your grandkids and children, and whatever else that comes to mind.

Once again, this only goes so far as they won’t be getting supply from you and finally they will start probing and pressing you, desiring a strong emotional reaction, or supply.

Another method — which I am not aware of having a name for — is to create your own phony self and then fly this flagpole as lure. This will provide the narcissist target for attack.

My moniker for it is “The Straw Man.”

If something is important to you, you should keep it a secret and deliberately aggravate the narcissist by acting passionate or angry over events, people, or objects you may not care less about.

They obtain supply when you respond to the phoney problem you have hung like a red flag in front of the narcissist and when you seem to be very offended by anything nasty the narcissist has said or done. This hides the things that are important to you and therefore offers you defense against a narcissistic assault.

This usually causes them to leave you alone for a little while.

Apart from these two techniques, the only other choices left to you are to either let yourself be abused, avoid the narcissist as much as possible so that they do not have you accessible as a target, or totally distance yourself from your own emotions to the point that you no longer care what the narcissist says or does to you.

Referred to as depersonalization, the final one is the outcome of narcissistic abuse. This specific phenomena has several names: self-alienation or self-estrangement. Your anxieties start to fade.

Regarding narcissistic abuse, there are no acceptable reactions.

You will be driven to go or you will totally lose yourself at some point.

Narcissists will preserve your sense of self.

Like vampires, they feed off of you and rely on you for survival to keep their horrible phony nature.

They will take everything from you that is pleasant and then abandon you for dead, just like vampires would.

When you are sure, act.