How Mental Illness Has Affected My Life

Mental Illness is no joke. Over 1 million people in the world have mental illness. I can count the many ways that mental illness has affected my quality of life in general. Mental illness is a daily battle for me. Medication or not, it will never truly subside, nor go away. I have this for life.

I just found out about my biological father 3 years ago, at the age of 36. I will be turning 40 in February of 2021. What I found out, is that my biological father was on heroin and coke when I was conceived. So, it has caused ME many problems.

I finally put two and two together, after I found this out. For years, I have always wondered why I'm the only one in my family that is "different". When I was born, my heart stopped, and my right lung collapsed. Doctors were able to revive me (obviously, or I wouldn't be here telling you my story.), and I was in the hospital for about two months before I could go home with my parents.

Now, when I say "my parents", I'm referring to my mom and my stepdad. But I don't refer to him as my stepdad. He's Dad to me, regardless. When I was 5 years old, my mom found me half sitting on the toilet, and my head was on the bathtub, I was unconscious. So, my parents took me to get some tests done, and it was found that I had Epilepsy. So, I was put on Dilantin for it.

When I was about 10 or 11, the Epilepsy was gone. Out of nowhere, and then the mental illness was there, instead. I had angry outbursts that were extreme. I got in trouble with the law as a juvenile, and then as an adult, I got my kids removed from my care.

When I was 27, I decided to voluntarily get a psychological evaluation on myself, because I didn't know that all the anger in my past years was the result of mental illness. My parents just thought I was a very abnormally angry child. After about 2 sessions at the mental health facility, it was then that I found out that I was mentally ill.

I was diagnosed with Bipolar Type 2 Disorder, Social Anxiety Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, PTSD, and Depression. Yes, I am currently on medication for my mental illness, but I still have bad days. As a youth, I could never work in group settings in school. I couldn't learn well in a classroom setting, so I was put on the IEP program. (Individualized Education Program)

I struggled getting good grades in school. I couldn't do basic math. I couldn't get up in front of the class and read a book report nor do a speech. I couldn't attend birthday parties, nor social gatherings of any sort, due to my social anxiety. I didn't fit in with people at school, and was always a loner. In the cafeteria, I ate alone. Nobody would sit with me. I got expelled from high school permanently in the beginning of my 10th grade year.

I was on juvenile probation all of my teen years. So, one of the conditions of my probation was to attend school and get good grades. I did none of those things. I ditched school a lot. But only to avoid being ridiculed and bullied like I was. Still, those bullies and their words sit in my mind and here and there, will remind me that those ugly words still exist.

I have bad self-image problems, due to being called "ugly", "manly", "dyke" and other horrible things. I am not gay. I am straight, but some people (even today) still call me those names. Recently, I got hired at a job. I declined the job, after learning that I'd have to work onsite, and not just at home. Well, I told the job recruiter that I had to decline the job offer. The social anxiety won't let me work around others. I'd rather work from home.

I wish sometimes, that I could rewind time... Rewind back to the night my mom got pregnant with me, and reverse it, to where she had picked another more decent man to get pregnant by... But, I can't do that. I am a product of a junkie. Due to my biological father's poor decision to not wear a condom on the night I was conceived, and the fact that he was high on speedball, I'm the one who suffers the repercussions of his careless actions.

I'm angry at him for this. I do not speak to him by choice. Because of him, I've struggled, and still continue to struggle. I try my hardest not to pity myself, because it's not my fault that I'm this way. I hate going outside my house for anything. Going to grocery stores, or any public place where there's a ton of people, is a chore for me.

Yes, I have anxiety meds, but they don't do shit for me. They never have. All they do is make my anxiety worse. I can't work in a regular job setting, I can't ever be normal. (People ask, "What is 'normal'?" Good question.) I carry a lot of resentment toward my biological father, for his poor choices that led to my suffering. I wouldn't wish this hell on anyone. There's my story. I don't know what else to say, except that being mentally ill has cost me a lot of privileges in life. Keeps me from being a normal human of society. All I want... Is to be able to work like others do, or go to school and make something of myself. It's no cakewalk, that's for damn sure...