Holidays with an Addict in the Family

This is our favorite time of year, celebrating holidays together with our immediate family and our extended family. We decorate, we bake, we invite everyone over, and we look forward to seeing everyone all dressed up. It is usually a whirlwind of activity getting ready for the holidays. However, yesterday, I heard something at a support meeting for families of addicts, that made me stop and think.

I was seated in an oversized living room in this old mansion, that has been converted to a sober living house for women. It was family night last night, and about 20 people had gathered to meet with someone from the recovery program while they gave a presentation on the brain of an addict. The group leader spoke to us about how the addict’s brain gets rewired while dealing with addiction. It was a great presentation, with colorful pictures of the brain and the brain on drugs. After the presentation, during the open discussion, one couple spoke about how their son (we will call him "Nick"), who is in this recovery program—down the street is the men’s sober living house—is going to be at their house for the holidays, but they are not allowing anyone to have any alcohol during the Thanksgiving dinner, or the Christmas Party at their home.

Another mom (we will call her "Lilly’s mother") spoke up, and said it is always a tradition with their family to have wine with the holiday dinner, and their family that comes to their home usually likes to have one or two drinks. Lilly’s mom explained to the group how no one gets drunk; they just have a couple of drinks while they are celebrating.

Nick’s dad spoke up and said, “I’m a recovering addict myself and even though I have been clean for 10 years and alcohol wasn’t my downfall, we have made the decision not to allow any alcohol in our home anymore, even during the holidays. We have told all our family and friends, so they know what to expect. They can decide to go somewhere else to celebrate the holidays, if they can’t do without a drink.” This was when Nick’s mom spoke up and explained, so clearly to everyone in that living room, “We have learned with my husband, and now in dealing with my son, how very fragile sobriety is. This is true especially when they are just first getting clean and sober. Stress is the mortal enemy of the addict, and holidays can be stressful, so we are not willing to take the risk of exposing our son, or my husband, to temptation in our home.”

The other mom argued, “The addict has to learn to cope. They are going to get exposed to alcohol and drugs again, when they leave here. We aren’t going to offer a drink to our daughter, but we know there are liquor stores everywhere, and she could go to a bar or party somewhere else and get a drink, or for that matter, get drugs again, unless she chooses not to.”

“Sure,” Nick’s mom said, nodding her head and speaking softly. “If you had a newborn baby, you wouldn’t walk into a room where 35 people are all smoking cigarettes, right? This is how we look at it, with a newly clean and sober son; we just aren’t going to expose him to that danger in our home.”

I went home and told Max about the mild argument during the family meeting at the recovery house. He and I only drink socially, and never have been big drinkers, so we agreed we will remove all the alcohol from our home while our addict comes to visit. We will tell our family now, before the holidays, that we will not be serving any wine or beer or any type of alcohol anymore, because we want to give the best chance we can for that fragile sobriety to bloom and grow.

This will be the best holiday gift we can give our family, and support the addict in our family in recovery.