HOLDING ON

THE PAST THREE YEARS WERE TIGHT and by that. I mean heavy as the world on the back of Atlas. I toted it all in spite of my own stressors and I sound like a braggart, but it's truly steam I'm blowing off. My brother died in 2013... a marine (Semper fi). After getting thru a bout with cancer and a string of other ailments prone to men with our mother toting him twice a week to one of the larger Veterans Hospitals over sixty miles from her home AFTER his common-law wife of over ten years put him down. She would not care for him in his downtime. When mom nearly put the two of them in head-on collisions trying to enter the tollway ramp near home, I had them move downstate to live with me. They did, and for three years they enjoyed the peace and calm existence. It was as if no one had ever suffered an ailment... except for his twice-a-week doctor appointments only fifteen minutes away.

GASP

I injured myself while working at State Revenue... a fractured sacrum and tore both rotator cuffs... in consecutive years 2013 and 2014 working my state job and after being hired to a less stress load position as a file clerk at the State Prisoner Review Board, was recalled by co-workers and pushed into retirement by the new girl working the disability agent position who issued a denial of requested temporary disability after 1 year of medical appointments for injuries on the job, in lieu of settlement of a workers compensation claim which failed to go through after waiting four years. State rationale said the "state was bankrupt." I was forced to file bankruptcy in spite of having paid off most of my debts prior to being injured or to leaving my job. I literally paid my cost of living expenses with my retirement savings from deferred payroll for two years before becoming eligible to file for early social security which was at a lesser amount than I would be due at retirement age.

GASP

While that was going on my daughter needed rescue for children one after the other... one year after the other. They needed a rescue, and her dog as well. Then her dogs afterward... seven of them. She's a CDL truck driver... not a homemaker. I folded my issues underneath again and agreed to help her sons get through their right then hard times with starting college. I opened up another room and bit my tongue through the agony of teens and their dogged issues. I held my turn at the toilet line and shower hour until they could get themselves together and out to school and work. My son and his dogs gave ample challenge and his goal of starting a Corso kennel with trained search and rescue dog service drifted away with the added hassle and hustle of his sister's combative children and the intrusion of the odd dog.

GASP

I had volunteered to sponsor the annual family reunion... but spent the money saved for that on burying my brother. A quick adjustment bought a less than fancy reunion and event closure backyard bbq for over one hundred people featuring only what was already purchased prior to my brother's final hour. We expected him to be there. His last months were filled with touring him thru a couple of casinos, going out to breakfast and dinner, a local veterans group, off-track horse racing, a gift spa massage, and a last but missed out comedy club show. Money and emotions were tight.

GASP

When a new child entered the family and I was host to fill in as a mothering entity another leg of the extended family took hold. Strain turned into puree'. But I did so through gritted teeth as the mother of the child called me names, rolled her eyes at the first baby walker shoes by stride rite, and then showed up claiming to be having a second that resulted in a driveway tug of war by the "actual father" when it was born. DNA challenge and nerves of steel through paternity court, family shaken with disbelief.

GASP

I am not certain as to whether COVID was hosted in the SHE SHED MOVEMENT but it was a lifesaver. It was something to wash away the undesired sight of dogs leaping from the roof or balcony, leaping onto my jeep and trying to chew the tires off of it. No one wants to see the electrical wiring on their black wire trailer chewed off or the kennel fencing was eaten through. My blackberry and raspberry bushes were devoured... thorns and all. The dining table isn't that any longer... I mean there are bites on it. It can be restored but the idea of the matter still holds. The pool table.. my birthday gift, was sold before they could eat more of it away; and two sofas were devoured and defrocked of foam and fiber. The last-minute dive into purchasing a SHED for conversion was the bomb. I had little experience preframing a wall or drywalling one. I made door framing... cripple, jack, and king studs. I laid floor insulation and surface flooring. I installed windows. I hired electricians and am anticipating establishing bravery for running a water line for a working sink. Most importantly I blew off the stress that has been known to put people in the ground. I shared with friends who live anywhere around the world while making their own rational tiny space for the purpose. What purpose?

A PLACE OF PEACE.

"OHHHHHHHMMMMMMMMMMMMM"

in NAMASTE