Hearing

He would ask me questions about my traumatic past as if he were searching for explanations. He would make connections to things his mutual friends have been through.

Changing the subject, he would always say "but your experience is worse than his, so he doesn't have any excuse for his behavior."

I leaned up against the laundry room counter and folded my arms. I stared at the floor thinking about his response. It was something I was familiar with hearing.

The comparison of one trauma to another. As if there are levels and as long as your trauma does not exceed a certain level or caliber that it is no trauma at all. You should be fine.

This form of thinking is so ignorant, but I gave him the benefit of the doubt. He came from a family that was seemingly picture-perfect. Knowing that people walked amongst him having witnessed horrific things just blew his mind. It was something he was not raised to understand.

I calculated a response that he could draw a sound conclusion from.

So I told him about a lesson I taught my students during one of our open discussions.

One of my students had been written up for using derogatory slurs on the bus ride home. He walks into school the next day with this complex that "it is what it is" and we should all be okay.

For many teachers, they are not sure even how to begin on the conversation of racial slurs especially when they themselves do not have much melanin in their skin.

The comments that this particular student made were not going to go unattended. I decided to utilize our quote of the day discussion as the time to address the class as a whole. After all, he did say it in front of his peers some of which were minorities and I did not want anyone to get the wrong impression.

It's just boys in this classroom. All of them are here for a reason; troubling behavior. If it is one location where racial slurs should not be tolerated is at this school. (of course, never any place)

I sat with the boys at an empty desk that belonged to a student who was absent that day.

I started off with a question.

"If someone was coming after you and they were going to punch you, would you stand in the way to get punched?"

Immediately one of my students blurted out, "no! I would get out of the way."

"Of course, you would. If someone was trying to fight you, the best thing for you to do is to create as much distance between you and that threat as possible. Right?"

They nodded in agreement.

"But what if someone was yelling at you, calling you names, saying things to you that triggered you. Could you put distance between you and their words?"

The same student that blurted the first time speaks for the group, "Yeah, you still could."

"Of course, you can always create distance. But let me ask you all something when kids are fighting downstairs can we hear them?"

They nodded yes.

"When a student is in crisis and is swearing outside can the neighborhood hear them?"

They nodded yes.

"Why is that?"

No response.

"Because sound travels. Which means our words will travel farther than our firsts. What our ears hear it cannot un-hear. I may heal from a fight and barely remember. But if you call me something that I do not like, I will remember the way those words sounded; the cadence, the tonality, the facial expressions that followed and will leave long-lasting impressions. Invisible scars."

"Do you guys know how many people have lost their life over an exchange of words?"

Their heads faced towards the ground.

"I am going to tell you something that you all need to start hearing. In this building, we have to show restraint towards you. That is part of our job. But when you leave this building and face the real world, they do not have to show the same amount of restraint that I do. The one racial slur, that one display of anger, that one shove could mean the difference between life and death."

Giving them the kindness, respect, golden rule conversation was not going to motivate these boys. They have heard it before, and quite frankly when your parents are shooting up in front of you your idea of respect is distorted.

"Do not give the world that much power. Respect yourself enough and value your life enough to not treat others that way. I can't take away what you all have been through but it can change. You can change."

All the boys had their eyes glued on me.

Like we were all listening for the first time together.

When I told him that story he just stared blankly at the floor.

"That makes sense," he said softly.

"Your friend may not have seen or physically gone through what I have gone through. But you don't know the world he created from what he heard.

Hearing is everything.

After all, they say it is our last sense to go.