Healing So They Don't Have Too

Ever since I started openly sharing my life, my past, my traumas, and process to healing, I have received a lot of happiness, testimonies from others, praises, and questions... This writing is for that. Because healing is no joke, and the more we consume the bullshit we see on social media the more damaged we get. So I want to be as clear as possible. As straightforward as possible. And answer some of the questions that I have been receiving about healing, the process, and what has been my experience.

To begin,

I am a rape survivor, a domestic violence survivor, I have been stalked, I have gone to police, I have been beaten, choked, called so many names, manipulated, emotionally, physically, and mentally scarred, gone through trauma from childhood, have suffered from night terrors, suicidal episodes, PTSD, currently have high functioning anxiety and depression, and possibly some other things that have not been diagnosed. WELCOME! :)

(I am here to share and be as open as possible, so if this will trigger you in any kind of way, I love you, you may leave if needed or stay if you wish. Either way, I pray that you feel encouraged, see that you are not alone, and that you are brave, courageous, and a light for just existing.)

My journey has not been an easy one. Healing is scary. Healing is dark. Facing what has happened to you in your life head on is horrifying, and you will cry a lot, and you will break a lot, but you will never be broken.

My healing journey started in 2017 when my grandma passed away, I lost some friends close to me, and my dads health was hanging by a very thin very very thin string. I was also suffering greatly in my 3 year long abusive and toxic relationship, and no one knew. But it was not until, I think, a year later, in 2018, where I was being stalked because I finally split from that toxic and abusive relationship, when I spoke the word rape and all hell broke lose in my body. Our brains are incredible. It naturally protects us so that we are able to keep functioning, and that is what happened to me. My brain had covered up the events from that night to keep me from feeling any of the pain, trauma, etc. However, once I uncovered it, maybe 2 years later, and spoke it out into the world, there was no going back. I collapsed BADLY. I developed intense high functioning depression where my best friend at the time feared for my life, so I stayed on her couch for 2 weeks straight, and we went everywhere together. (God bless her wherever she is.) My roommate at the time also knew something was horribly wrong and encouraged me to seek counseling, stating that it was time. (God bless her also.) I knew it was time. I could feel it.

But, it wasn't until I started getting okay with SPEAKING IT OUT LOUD, and OWNING MY OWN STORY that I could get to that point of going to therapy. I knew from a very young age that I needed counseling but it was never provided for me, so it was up to me to provide it for myself now.

I had spoken my story out loud so much to myself and with others, that by the time I went to see my counselor I was ready. I was not nervous, anxious, anything. I asked her if SHE was ready for ME, because the lord knows I needed her to save my life. I remember it so clearly. Once I finished telling her everything, childhood til then in that one hour session, she sat back in her chair, took a deep breath in and out, and said, "Wow, that's a lot." I looked at her laughing and said, "I know right! That's why I'm here. I got some issues." She then responded that this was a lot, and that we will get into it in our next session. But I will note that she did ask me two questions while I was blabbing along...

1. "Have you had any suicide attempts?" "I have had 2 during my teenage years." "Was I suicidal now, or have been recently?" "No."

2. "Why did I think it wasn't rape? Was it because I was unclear about what rape was or meant, or because I just didn't know?" "I didn't think it was rape or could be rape if he was my boyfriend. I was told by my first boyfriend, when I lost my virginity, that that was what I should do with him because we were together." (So I had a warped sense of value and ownership in my spirit and with my body, and am still working on those today.)

ACKNOWLEDGE yourself and where you are in your journey right now.

ACKNOWLEDGE your journey for what it is right now.

ACKNOWLEDGE your fears, reservations, pride, ego, if you are damaging yourself or helping yourself by not speaking your pain out loud to yourself, no one else has to know, but you have to be able to acknowledge your own story at least, or else your healing journey is at a stand still. With this stand still you will develop anxiety, denial, depression, and a false sense of who you are to yourself, and to the world due to living a facade that even you know isn't real.

(I love my counselor and still go to her once a month for an hour session, and want to stay going to her no matter where I am in the world, praise technology.)

After that session, I felt encouraged. I had done it. I finally went to seek help, and was going to start uncovering all of these questions, trauma, and emotions throughout my life.

That next day, I started researching my symptoms. I came across this TEDTalk by this trans man who had high functioning anxiety, and he had all of my symptoms, or rather vice versa! When I went to see my counselor in two weeks I told her that I knew what I had! I watched a TEDTalk and blah blah blah! She listened an nodded in approval, but we had A LOT to still uncover, and we still do. Everything for me goes back to my childhood years. It all ties to the neglect I felt, the loneliness I felt as a child, the feeling of being unloved by the people that should love me, right? That is what "family" means. But that is not the case for everyone. Sometimes family can be the most damaging part of your existence, and that is okay.

ACKNOWLEDGING (Recognizing & Realizing) and SPEAKING my story out loud was painful. It was a pain I had never felt before. Like a deep soul pain, and I felt like I had no control of my emotions anymore. I cried what seemed like constantly, I became depressed at times to where I couldn't get out of bed or eat anything, or even go out and function, so I would stay inside if needed. These two steps are vital to begin, to just start. So many of us tuck it away. We will write it down just to get it out. We will break down and cry, have anxiety attacks in the shower, PTSD in the shower, and then come out like nothing happened. That is only damaging us.

Writing it down is a great start, but when things, emotions and feeling, are spoken out loud they are then given a right to exist. The pain becomes real, the actions become alive, the reality of what happened to you takes shape and form in our realities, in our faces. At that point, there is no denying, there is no running away, there is no taking your words back and swallowing them; and with speaking something out loud like a rape, or a domestic violence attack, so many emotions start to take shape inside of us, but then the events that occurred, the ones we could never remember before, all of a sudden start to reveal themselves one by one, and that is what is so painful. That it doesn't just happen all at once and then we are healed, no, they come to us over time and we feel every bit of it, hence, PTSD.

I had PTSD for a little over a month, and they would always occur when I was naked in the shower. The episodes would be so bad that I would randomly just stop, stare into space, feel the disgust run over my body, have a sort of outer body experience, and sometimes just sit and cry until I was back in my reality, and a depression would kind of linger over me for a while. It is still something I cannot put into exact descriptions, but that is what would happen. When I told my counselor that this was happening to me, she asked me if something happened to me in the shower, I said no, but there was this one time... (I will not go into it.) I am still not sure why that would happen to me in that way, but it did, and that was a part of my healing journey FOR MY BODY.

Our whole body is involved in this healing journey. It isn't just about your brain OR your spirit OR how you're feeling about things. What triggers you? What makes you upset? Why do you do what you do, how you do them? Why are you independent? Afraid to be in relationships? Closed off? Codependent? All of these things are a result of events that have happened to us in our lives, they shape us into our adulthood, so we must be careful what we are absorbing. Seeing toxic relationships at a young age, promotes toxic relationships in your adulthood. Seeing abuse as a child, or experiencing abuse as a child, manifests into a number of things as you get into your adulthood.

COUNSELING/THERAPY

I swear by counseling. They are God sent individuals that live for people like me, and should receive all of the blessings for being able to carry peoples demons, and help us heal from them, all the while having their own stuff going on. Blessings.

But seriously, that is how I feel. However, there is such a strong fear embedded into people about going to therapy, even seeking advice about it, questioning it... I am not sure why. Why do people commit suicide? Why do people cry? Why do people have intense anger? Why is there sleep medication, calming medicine, anxiety medicine? Who do you think helps create all of these??? Scientists??? NO. Mental. Health. Professionals. Our heroes who help and live for saving people lives just like doctors and nurses and many others.

It is not like what you see in the movies either. Yes, there are couches but they are not leather, and you do not lay down!!! (LOL) You simply sit and talk. You have a conversation about things that are going on in your life. My counselor and I talk like we are friends, so it is great. We are comfortable with each other during our sessions. What I love about her is that she is always honest, straight to the point, and is able to pick things out that I never even knew were tied together. Like I said earlier, a lot of my trauma stems from childhood, so while I am talking she will grab something I said and have me elaborate on it, and then make connections, and that way I am able to see it, piece it together, and build a solid understanding as to why or how or what. Beautiful. I have a light-bulb moment almost every time I go and see her. And there is no judgement.

I have heard so many people say that they have tried therapy and the therapist was no good. So, if you try one kind of ice cream and its gross you won't try another flavor??? I think you will... Same goes for therapists and counselors.

MEDICATION

Personally, I do not take medication. I look at it as a sense of numbing, and I do not do numbing. I like to sit and be in everything I am feeling, which is why I love counseling. I like to understand what is going on rather than have high functioning anxiety one day, take medication, and just push it away. But, that is not the reality for many and that is okay.

So, no matter where you are in your healing journey, just know that you are not alone. There are so many of us that are not ready or wanting to tell their stories, but we are out here, living everyday.

No matter where you are in your healing journey, I just hope you start by taking action, whether that is by speaking it to yourself out loud, and or going to counseling (and its okay, no one has to know).

Always know that the healing process, or rather getting emotionally and mentally healthy, is something everyone needs. EVERY SINGLE PERSON should go to counseling at least once in their lives. NO ONE doesn't need counseling, because we have ALL had a traumatic experience happen to us at least once in our lives, and it will manifest into other things unless we can give it acknowledgement.

Always know that this journey is only FOR YOU. It is a gift you can gift to yourself. From me to me. From you to you. I am doing it for me, but also for my unmade family, so that my children will have a mom one day that is understanding, mentally prepared and strong, is able to be there for them in all aspects not only as a mom, but a friend, a counselor, a provider, a protector, a nurturer, and create a loving and openly emotional culture in my home, different from the one I had. To be emotionally available for my children, myself, and those around me.

BREAKING GENERATIONAL CURSES is a real thing. Passing on mental illnesses is a real thing. Research has shown that the number one killer in the U.S. is stress. When brain researches in the U.S. did a brain scan on individuals, they realized that stress is in all of us, AND that it contributes to most, if not all, of the medical illness we have, such as diabetes, cancer, tumors, heart disease, etc. Remarkable. (There are excellent documentaries about this on Netflix.)

So, if you do not take the time to heal yourself and break these generational curses in your family, then who will???

From me to you.