Healing and Living: So Worth It

Coming out of the self-doubting fear state after narcissistic abuse is a task that takes time. I have inched my way out of paralyzing anxiety and hypervigilance. Little by little, rebuilding my life and my confidence in living it.

I have wanted to hide under the blanket, for a good portion of my life. I never felt particularly safe. I suffered low self-esteem and questioned my abilities. I never really trusted others’ intentions.

At times I am afraid of reality. If bad things happen, I feel doomed, like I will never get out of this bad situation. I panic and freeze.

I have given my power away, since before I knew I had any.

As an intelligent, creative introvert, I never minded being alone. I am a thinker; a ponderer; a bit of a philosopher. I’ve never had trouble entertaining myself or keeping busy.

I was happy to be a loner because at least I understood myself in a world that did not seem to. And in being alone, at least I was safe from potential threats, physical or emotional.

I did not know how to truly connect with others. I was afraid to be me. I was afraid of the way people would perceive me, treat me, reject me. Terribly shy, too thin-skinned, and already emotionally raw, I could not risk putting myself out there on the frontline of society. I was terrified I’d be torn apart.

I withdrew. In fact, I stopped connecting with myself. Somewhere along the lines, I abandoned myself altogether. Trauma is a dire thing. It makes one want to disappear. You play small. You avoid being seen. You try like hell to avoid the sounds of your inner being screaming in agony.

As I’ve grown older, I have desperately attempted to heal my inner child by validating others, who may or may not have deserved my devotion. When you grow up with trauma, the subconscious mind has a way of gravitating toward different versions of these unhealed wounds as an adult.

The soul wants to repair itself. The soul coaxes us to see things differently, to recognize these weights we have carried and release them. Perhaps the very things our child self could not understand, so they internalized and suffered.

Now, as an adult, realizing I don’t want to live in fear and angst, and I want freedom, there is a lot of work to be done, to undo the neuropathway knots that brought me to this state in the first place.

Learning how to live feels precarious. But if I don’t try, then I never will; I’ll remain stuck. I have had to claw my way to the surface, to poke my head out, and I have seen little glimpses of freedom; of living. I love it. It has taken quite some time, but in the end, it does not matter how long it takes, as long as I get there.

Realistically, I have two options- fearfully hiding or courageously living! Even if there are predators out there, it does not mean I will be eaten. I am gradually gaining confidence. I can handle life on life’s terms. I can choose my path and take care of myself, physically, financially, and emotionally. I am not helpless or stupid.

I am enough. I can come out of the darkness. I don’t have to be afraid to shine my light. I can be myself, speak my mind, chase my dreams. I can love and let myself be loved. I can live, and learn, and keep living. I don’t have to be afraid anymore. I’ve got my own back. I will be ok. In fact, I will be better than ok. I’ll be me. I’ll be happy.

I will gladly explore this life I’ve been given, on this planet, at this time. I will dig. I will find my gifts. And share them with others. I will help make the world a softer, more loving, and accepting place for spirits to dwell. I have a purpose. A reason for being.

Life is for living. Healing. Achieving peace and prosperity, one step at a time.