Happy Quarantini

I've been drinking, do not judge me but you can judge the grammar. I'm trying real hard to make sense though.

I am DONE with 2020. Done. Fin. Finished. Ended. Kill it with fire. If 2020 was a punching bag, I'd probably shoot it. Then use the insides to build a bonfire to dance naked around it under a full moon.

If I get one more call from a family member asking me why I'm not coming home for the holidays, I'm gonna cut my damn phone line and change my cell phone number. Just basically cut all ties and be that one relative that no one sees except for funerals were they stand far away and has a mysterious aura of secrets.

I have zero problems being that person.

And I will be that person with perfect winged eyeliner. I am at level 80 eyeliner applicator by the way. I'm halfway to being that relative already, might as well go all the way.

Families are tough. They bitch at you for not seeing them during a pandemic because "it's a hoax anyway" but then bitch about having to wait to get the vaccine. They bitch at you for going to work and then bitch about how you don't come home often enough, whether there's a pandemic or not.

I have spent the last 7 months away from my family and I realized in that time away from them, how much they actually fucked me up.

My grandmother would sometimes get pizza for all of us, there were usually 5 of us for dinner at any given time. She would always make me serve everyone before I got to eat and she would inspect everyones plate to make sure she got the slice with the most cheese. One time I got a slice that had a lot and she made me switch with her because "the older family member should get what they want,"

My aunt would scream at me for wearing anything other than sweatshirts and jeans. I once wore a velvet paperboy hat and she picked me up from school. I loved the hat and it made me happy. She ripped it off my head and flung it out the window and turned to me and slapped me across the face asking how dare I sit in her car wearing garbage.

My uncle used to punch my legs till my muscles ached and I got a charlie horse and laugh. Then as I got older, he'd just slap me upside the head to get my attention. One time he punched my thighs while I was sitting in a booth at a restaurant and I was on my period, I started to cry and he laughed in my face and start mocking me for crying.

My grandma would slap me if I asked too many questions at once.

My aunt would make fun of the books I read.

My aunt would rip things out of my hands and throw them just for fun.

My uncle would tell me to lose weight and announce what I was eating and then make a joke about my weight.

My grandma would not let me sit with everyone during the holidays. There were only adults and I was usually the only kid. I had one cousin who was 10 years older than me and the next cousin wasn't born until I was 14. So every holiday party, I was only allowed to sit in the living room with the tv off and if I didn't bring something to do like a toy or a book, then I had to just sit there and stare at my hands.

I also had to hide from my other uncles because they would get to handsy.

We won't get into that though.

My poin is, my family is toxic. Aside from the physical abuse, we have emotional abuse that resulted in me developing an eating disorder from ages 9-18. I only hugged my mother and my grandpa, no one else at least not willingly I was forced to hug and kiss a lo of people that i DID NOT want to. Im so happy that today people are raising their kids to say no. When I said no Id get shoved into their arms and even if i cried they wouldn't let go till i hugged back.

Other people have had much harder childhoods than me, I know that. I never wondered where my next meal came from, my mother never hit me or made me feel like I couldn't do anything. We fought as mothers and daughters tend to do but we always got along. My grandfather never hit me or made fun of me, he wasn't a man of many words but he always knew just how to make me feel better.

I come from a big family, I have 32 first cousins alone. We are Mexican. My great grandparents had 14 brothers and sisters each. So our family get togethers can get intense and crowded.

So being stuck in Quarantine, away from them for so many months. I find myself not really missing them. I feel good and happy and wondering why I put up with them for so long.

So, raise your quarantinis with me and cheer the one silver lining of 2020 that we discovered the people who love us no matter the distance and the realization of those who don't make us feel like ourselves. Who we love more than anything and who we can live ithout.

Just because their blood, don't make them family.