Happiness after Depression?

Is it even possible to be happy in the same way you once were after battling depression? I'm still trying to find the answer after dealing with it myself. I have had depression since I was a child due to my life circumstances. I have been in therapy for years, and have gone through trial and error with medication until I found the one that seems to help. Occasionally, I laugh, I smile, and I seem happy. What I actually feel though is not much different from when I was going through a depressive phase. I do not get a spark of joy or a sense of satisfaction out of anything. That could be my perfectionistic standards, but I believe that since I have been clinically depressed for such a long time, my brain is in a permanent state of neutral. I know I should be happy and excited, but it's as if I can't feel pleasure unless it is physical. Which begs the question, can you even BE happy in the same way after dealing with depression? Science says yes, but how long afterwards is inconclusive and depends on the person.

I can relate to those of you that have tried everything to make yourselves happy to no avail. I don't know if it's because I have circumstances in my life that will never be changeable, but I find myself feeling trapped in situations out of my control years later that contribute to downward spirals in my depression. Do I hate my life? Objectively, no, not at all. I practice gratitude and meditate daily and I realize that things are better now than they ever have been for me, but there is still that ache, that longing for the life that I missed and was never able to experience while my peers around me did. I yearn to feel child-like because I was never allowed to. I had people in my life that cared for me deeply, but they were also abusive, so I have certain fears and expectations from the people around me in my day to day life that is hard to rid.

I try not to ruminate on the negative, but it is hard when my life is hard. I do wish I could just snap my fingers and feel normal and happy and be able to relate to feelings of joy, excitement, wonder. I have a very active and creative mind and maybe that can even contribute to my depression since I tend to see scenarios for everything unfold in every possible way. I try my best to live in the present, but it doesn't provide me a sense of security like imagination does. I still, years later and after intensive therapy, have thought patterns about myself and the world around me that are hard to rewire. It doesn't help that I have financial stress, three jobs, and a child and boyfriend to worry about. My life is never about me, so I always put off focusing on myself to deal with the results of all of my life choices.

If only people in the world were more empathetic with each other. I consider myself an empath and I feel things very deeply already. It's obvious to me how much pain we are all in. Having no solution to pain makes me anxious, whether it's mine or those around me. I see your suffering. I know it hurts and life is hard. I don't know if it will get easier for you, it only has for me a little bit. I hope that one day we both can feel a child-like sense of happiness and wonder for our own lives, and waste less time wishing we were different. Comparison is a weakness of human nature. Logging off of social media has forced me to compare myself less to my peers, which has seemed to benefit me, but not necessarily make me happy.

Things have gotten slightly better as I've aged. I will be ok. I am just here to experience life at the moment, even if I can't truly enjoy it as many people do, I am still thankful for everything that I have and everyone that I love and connect with. I will still try to work on myself to hopefully one day recover my positive emotions. Stay healthy m friends!