Grieving is More Than Losing People in Your Life

Grief is normally associated as a strong, natural, multi-faceted and significant emotion, when it comes to the passing away of a loved one. In such a context, a loved one means a family member/relative, friend (no matter the closeness), and (if relevant) a partner/significant other.

Grief has its own metronome, meaning that no matter how strong and resilient a human being is both mentally and emotionally; grief can still hit you like a tonne of bricks, with minimal if any warning. No matter how gentle and mindful you are with yourself and your emotions; grief does not care. Just because someone is not crying over a loss of a loved one, does not mean that they are not grieving. They certainly are. Other people let their anger out by yelling, and/or bashing a pillow. Better still, others may sign up to an escape room and smash plates with a matching passion when Greek people celebrate wildly and proudly in that regard. Sometimes you want company, while at other times it is valid and reasonable to want to be left alone during this cycle of life.

When you understand the five steps of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance) - you know your own grief thermostat at any given moment. Another article (watch my space) on ways to cope with grief while low on cash (it is always that way isn't it, cost of living crisis aside) will follow; while for the time being, this article is serving a fruitful purpose in increasing awareness and mindfulness that grief happens with any form of loss, rather than the death of a loved one, whether sudden or to be expected any time soon. This can help people distinguish between actually being sad and in a low mood, to just being sad and in a low mood as a by-product surfacing from a loss and/or misfortune.

Why write such an article, and share this with the world, you might ask?

That is a perfectly valid question to be asking right now. It was on the 29th of January 2025, I lost my last biological/blood relative, despite the fact that (age wise) he had outlived the entire family up until that point. This particular uncle of mine was quite unwell for a period of time; yet a string of new respiratory illnesses (ironically lungs are all about grief) surfaced only in a matter of days. No matter how much oxygen was given to this uncle of mine in the ICU; his oxygen saturation was falling, and therefore his passing was rather abrupt in the end.

More and more, in order to cope with the tough times; the pandemic a few years back was a true testament to what I am about to share. More and more people are now enjoying the fun, joy, and companionship of our four legged friends. Dogs (for example) also grieve in their own way. With the passing of my last surviving uncle recently; I happened to have been looking after a dog, in which a strong human-to-animal-bond was shared. There was a moment of grief, having to leave this dog on the last day of this particular dog sitting arrangement hours earlier than anticipated. Not only was there a surge of guilt associated with having to leave this dog at his home at 4:15am on the morning of my uncles passing (my uncle took his last breath at 3:20am); there was grief associated with it. The loss of time and connection with this beautiful dog. Speaking of which, with the passing of pets - according to Les Dyer, a spiritual teacher; he purports that it can take around 18-months for an owner to get over the passing of their furry friend.

With the passing of a human being, the grief is amplified and at times brutal when you are the executor of that late person's will.

There is a profound level of appreciation, inspiration and respect for that said person, when you have to organise their funeral, and in turn, write and present their eulogy at such.

The rationale of grieving around other losses really hit home with the pandemic that changed virtually everything, a short five-years ago, as at the time of writing this. The ability to catch up with friends, combined with the loss of such people in life was difficult and messy for us, myself included. The simple joy of siting down to stop and smell the roses while enjoying a small cappuccino at a local cafe was abruptly taken away. Even though that loss has since returned; that in itself was still a form of loss. The loss of movement. The loss of freedoms.

It is fair to agree (while maintaining geopolitical neutrality here) that the world has done a full 360 post-pandemic, where the new normal is certainly the loss of the old normal. Having to sell and/or move house for whatever reason is a significant loss; depending on the memories created while living in such a home, as well as the opportunity cost of the lost memories that could have been created in such a home/dwelling, on the back of a longer stay.

Speaking of homes, that same uncle of mine who recently passed, was grieving heavily when his first nursing home/assisted care facility had to close their doors 2.5 years ago. It took him a few months to settle into his new home, and that transition was much harder, because his new home was also in an undesirable area. That doubled the grief; the grief of his old home, combined with the loss of living in Sydney's Inner West since he migrated to Australia from Ireland in the early 70's.

No matter how great you are at detaching from material things; losing a valuable item (naturally and/or through some form of theft directed at you) is a form of grief around the loss of something valuable, memorable, and/or sentimental. Whether a loss can be re-diverted into a direct gain at a later date (for example, having to cut off a welded bracelet to go under the surgeons knife, to then be re-welded back together at a cost post-recovery); there is still a moment of grief in that blank space in-between, where it is like you are being presented with a blank canvas, but someone has taken away the allocated paints, and paint brushes from you.

It is true that things do not last forever, and that is the impermanent nature of life. Emotions (positive or otherwise, and yes that includes grief) and feelings operate in a similar fashion.

With the bracelet example, yours truly is currently wearing a gold welded bracelet with a sea shell attached, on my left arm. This bracelet was gifted to me at a tech industry conference at a sad time, yet special memories - both living near the Northern Beaches, and that particular jeweller is ironically based in the Northern Beaches; as well as this bracelet representing a courageous change in specialities in my tech career (for the better) marks this bracelet as a turning point; a celebration of sorts. Therefore there is a heavy amount of now positive memories and sentimentality attached to this particular piece of jewellery. It will need to be cut off, in order to have two tumours removed from my body real soon. Grieving is also brewing in anticipation for this loss, even though my values are choosing for such a loss to be of a short-term nature.

Any form of loss is followed by some form of grief. The deeper the loss, with a significant identity rinse out and transformation; the deeper the grief that will follow.

With mindfulness and awareness, grieving (in some cases) provides people with greater clarity on their values, as well as their goals and desires in life. It is like a reset button. Some people need mental health support, while others are fine.

Having to quit a promising job to cope with such losses only amplifies the grief. Losing a job, a business (even a side hustle), and/or a long-term career - forced on or by choice; a relationship break-up (including separation and divorce); friends naturally disappearing; having to relocate interstate and/or overseas are natural precursors to grief as well. Life not going to plan, with the loss of a dream, or a goal (whether simple or lofty) that is now way out of reach can also send shockwaves to the grieving process. The narrative of your life is an emotional roller coaster ride of turbulence and change, as a by-product of such. Losing a group that you were once a part of, of which fulfilled a personal development need, from social connections, to learning new skills, combined with building self esteem and confidence, can also be hard to swallow at first.

Due to inflation, shrinkflation, and the rising cost of living; all of us (in some way, shape or form) are also grieving over our diet/meal choices, and grieving over some things that we once loved, of which we can no longer afford, or afford less of. This can include travel, accessories, clothing, and luxury goods to name. On this, financial struggle, going without, and financial instability is also a form of grief. There are times where your finances do not care whether you have a secure job or not. A business/brand that you once loved, of who have to close their doors is also a form of grief.

It is wonderful that America, and the majority of other countries in the world are multi-cultural, where legal immigration allows people to enjoy change, new life experiences, and/or a better quality of life in a new country. Mass immigration is causing grief. For example, if someone migrates to a new country, where the culture and values are different to the country they are leaving; this can cause grief for that person, and for all of the people around them. Unfortunately, not everyone gets along, and this is why wars exist. People living in war torn countries right now are grieving over the life they had before the first fire-shot and bullet erupted. A once peaceful city with riots and mobile phone pick-pockets (like London as of late, for example) is also a natural fertile breeding ground for grief.

Just because something terrible happened to you, or an unexpected setback, does not always mean that trauma will follow. In saying this, trauma is also an added form of grief. Natural disasters (such as cyclones, floods, and massive adverse weather events) are also the epitome of human and animal grief. Having an addiction, and getting over an addiction is a form of grief, because healing yourself from a substance or circumstance that you were once addicted and obsessed with (whether consciously and/or unconsciously) is another form of grief. Growing pains and grief switching from milk to dark chocolate is like a breakup with milk chocolate. It feels like milk chocolate was a pash-in-a-nightclub, while dark chocolate is marriage material in comparison. Even if there are no withdrawal symptoms associated with such; you will still grieve over this transition. Why? Because you are a human being.

Finally, losing your health (whether temporarily or permanently) is a massive and significant form of grief, because you only have one body and mind. This is it. The eyes that allow you to see and read my work, are the only set of two eyes that you have. Having an amputation is a bitter pill to swallow, yet with time healing all wounds, you will begin to accept your transformed body, with or without prosthetics. No different to having teeth removed for whatever reason, as a person's teeth is all about their identity. Therefore receiving orthodontic, and any form of cosmetic treatment is a form of grief. Having transplant surgery is a double form of grief, both for the old, as well as for the new body part. Death and rebirth. Any form of illness and injury is a form of grief, whether acute and/or chronic. Same with the loss of energy/vitality, and vitamin/mineral deficiencies. Last year (2024, as at the time of writing) was a tough year for yours truly in that department. Getting sick, and getting better - where this cycle feels like wash, rinse, and repeat, until the culprit has been identified. Indeed, two tumours in your body can cause a lot of heartache and damage. I am personally grieving (and to be honest, still a bit shocked) about these tumours right now; and the time will come to be gentle with myself, and with my supportive network when they are surgically removed.

Grief also comes from tragedy, and from triumph. Both the positive circumstances, and the not so positive circumstances are doing their job in your life. They are gifts, and they are also teachers, designed for your personal growth, when the lessons behind such are learnt and accepted. When you accept grief, it means that you have trusted the process, and you are out on the other end healed and transformed. It is not fair, yet life is not meant to be fair. We are here to learn, enjoy, and to experience life, in all of its forms and glory. We can toss fair out the window, and keep the keys of resilience, growth and learning closely to our chests.