Gaslighting By Parents

Gaslighting is hard enough to deal with when it comes from an outside source such as a partner, boss, co-worker, or friend, but when it derives from the source of where and when we develop our sense of self and how we fit into the world, it becomes core-level damaging.

What is gaslighting? Gaslighting is a term used for speech and actions from another person that is intended to make you feel confused, like your thoughts aren’t ‘real,’ valid, or that you literally aren’t remembering things correctly. It is a means to make one question their own sense of reality, how they think, how they trust themselves and their feelings, and if they’re going insane.

A lot of times, it is used in order to control another person, to keep them quiet and ‘needing’ them, due to this state of manipulated belief that you can’t do or reason correctly without this person there to ‘aide,’ ‘save,’ and ‘put up with’ you. It is used so that they can continue to abuse or not take ownership of anything they have done that might have hurt you.

A lot of times, it comes on in such a sneaky way, that you do not even realize it is happening or has happened until you’ve been removed from the situation for a good enough time to have your head cleared by other supportive and healthy people.

But when it comes to Parental Gaslighting, we are dealing with an assault that affects the early developmental stage of our psychological development. In our early stages of life, we develop our sense of self, who we are, how our personality is going to play out, and where we fit into the world. If we are told by our primary caregivers that our thoughts and needs aren’t important, or that we are ‘crazy,’ ‘immature,’ ‘not mentally stable,’ or that things we believed to be true or happened didn’t, that is what becomes internalized into our core sense of who we see ourselves as. We start to believe these things to be true about ourselves, because, at that fundamental age, these parents or caretakers are like ‘God.’ We believe and internalize what they say because they are our parents. ‘They ’know better.’

It took me until I was forty-six to realize I had been gaslighted ever since I was a child by my parents. There can be a debate on whether or not they purposely ‘knew’ what they were doing or not, but it happened.

Not doing something on purpose and ignorance doesn’t invalidate the damaging fact that gaslighting took place.

What made me realize it, was when my teenage son came to me, explaining that his grandfather, my dad, had done something that hurt his feelings, and I, having listened to my son’s concerns, approached my father about the subject in hopes that we could work something out between them.

He immediately dismissed my son’s feelings as crazy and said that I was over-reacting. When I stood my ground about how our feelings are valid and that he was doing something hurtful, I was then told I was being ridiculous, and immature, and that this ‘whole thing’ was stupid. I was told that my son might be showing signs of mental illness if he thinks he hurt his feelings. He advised me to keep an eye on my son’s mental health.

I was beyond angry.

Why? Because this wasn’t just a Momma Bear Moment, (even though that was valid enough) this is exactly what my parents have always told me since I was a kid whenever I had an issue with them, or I didn’t agree with something.

They would tell me I was childish and mentally ill and that if I had a problem then I needed to ‘see someone,’ or get on medication because clearly, I had something wrong with me. They would never take the blame or accept responsibility for anything. I was the one who was unhinged, immature and needed mediation.

What this has done, coming from such a core source of my development, is that I have learned to believe it, and questioned any of the feelings I really have or had. It turned that voice inwards: Am I really just overreacting? Is there something wrong with me? Am I ‘wrong’ as a person? Am I being too mean or hysterical? Maybe I’m not seeing this the right way after all? Do other people know more than me? Are other people saner than me? Am I lesser than everyone and don’t know how to make decisions right and need someone who’s better at making the decisions to help take care of me? Can I trust my own feelings?

It is these kinds of thoughts that make people insecure adults who have a hard time being independent. This creates co-dependant personalities, self-doubt, depression, and anxiety. It also sets up people to walk into abusive and narcissistic partner relations, (which I did) because it’s far easier for a narcissist to manipulate someone who already doubts how they feel and think. It is easy for a controlling partner when the other person is ready to hand over the reins and trusts them to be the one who really knows what they’re doing over them.

The good news is that when I realized that gaslighting was happening, it suddenly, dawned on me that I am actually not crazy. It was eye-opening. I am not acting immature, nor do I need someone else to make ‘better’ decisions than me. I realized that there is nothing at all wrong with me and that I was never actually unhinged and irrational. I can trust myself and exactly how I feel as valid and true. I feel the most grounded and solid than I have ever been.

They were the problem, not me.