Forgiveness is Overrated

A while ago, I wrote an article about The Mother Wound, unpacking topics like generational pain and trauma recovery. You can read it here, but the point is that I got an interesting comment from a reader, saying that they're grateful we now have the resources and insights today to help daughters heal and better understand their mothers.

That got me thinking about a few things. Are all these books and NCTs (no contact "trend") why so many daughters are separated from their mothers once they grow up? Or was the separation inevitable? Let's get into it.

Why Do We Forgive?

Why do we feel the need to forgive, even when the harm is severe? Society tells us that forgiveness is noble, that it lightens our burden, and that it's the only way to truly heal. We hear things like:

"If you don't forgive, you're only hurting yourself."

"You have to forgive your mother - she's the only one you'll ever have."

"Forgiveness will bring you peace."

The idea is that forgiveness is for you, not them - that by letting go of resentment, you free yourself. And while that may be true for some, forgiveness is not a prerequisite for healing. In some cases, it can even do more harm than good.

For many, forgiveness feels like a forced erasure of pain, an expectation to make peace with someone who has never acknowledged their wrongdoing. In these cases, the pressure to forgive can stall healing, making survivors feel guilty for the anger they still carry.

Forgiveness vs. Reconciliation

Let's get one thing straight: forgiveness and reconciliation are not the same thing. You can forgive someone and still keep them out of your life. You can also choose not to forgive and still find peace in your way.

But the way people talk about forgiveness, especially in the context of family, often ignores that distinction. There's this expectation that if you truly want to heal, you'll eventually "come around" and mend the relationship. And when you don't? The world labels you as bitter, unforgiving, or worse - ungrateful.

What they don't see is why so many daughters walk away in the first place.

Did the Healing Resources Cause the Separation?

There's a narrative floating around that books on trauma and the rise of no-contact (NCT) movements are turning daughters against their mothers. If it weren't for The Body Keeps the Score and Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, we'd all still be having Sunday dinners together like nothing happened.

But let's be real, and the damage was always there. The books just gave us the words to describe it.

Many daughters didn't go 'no contact' because it was trendy. They did it because the alternative was continuing to endure harm. They spent years, sometimes decades, trying to fix a relationship that only hurt them. They tried boundary-setting. They tried therapy. They tried reasoning, begging, compromising - until one day, they realized the only way to protect themselves was to walk away.

The separation wasn't created by the books. It was revealed by them.

When Forgiveness Becomes a Weapon

Toxic families love to weaponize forgiveness. They'll demand it, pressure you into it, and then use it as proof that they never did anything wrong in the first place.

"See? You forgave me, so why are you still upset?"

"You're still holding onto the past? I thought you moved on."

"If you really forgave me, you'd call me back."

This isn't healing - it's manipulation.

Real healing doesn't mean erasing the past to make others comfortable. It doesn't mean pretending the harm never happened. And it doesn't mean forcing yourself to reconcile with someone who hasn't changed.

Should We Let Go?

So what if you don't forgive? Does that mean you're doomed to live in anger forever? Not at all. Moving forward doesn't have to involve forgiveness or reconciliation. Instead, it can mean accepting what happened - not as approval, but as acknowledgment. It can mean detaching emotionally, releasing the hold they have over you. It can mean practicing self-compassion and giving yourself the love and kindness you never received. And it can mean setting firm boundaries, and deciding who has access to your energy and who doesn't.

Letting go without forgiveness also means allowing yourself to process emotions in a way that feels natural. You don't have to rush to "move on" just to meet someone else's definition of healing. Some wounds take years to settle, and that's okay. The goal isn't to erase the past - it's to make peace with it on your terms.

Healing is not about forcing yourself to forgive someone who doesn't deserve it. It's about permitting yourself to move forward - on your terms. And moving forward doesn't always mean complete detachment. Sometimes, it means renegotiating the relationship in a way that serves you. It means creating boundaries that allow you to coexist without sacrificing your peace.

If you choose to forgive, do it because it brings relief, not because the world expects it of you. If you don't forgive, know that you're not broken, bitter, or stuck - you're simply choosing a different path to healing, that prioritizes your well-being above social expectations.

My Thoughts

Forgiveness is a personal choice, not a moral obligation. Some people find peace through it, and that's great. But for many, healing looks different.

So if you've ever been told you must forgive to heal, know this: You are not required to forgive someone to be free from them. You do not owe them reconciliation. And you are allowed to heal in whatever way feels right for you.

The best thing you can do? Live a life that is yours - free, peaceful, and no longer dictated by the past.