Faking it till you make it

I was diagnosed with depression at 16 but I’ve been depressed since I was 12. But for some reason this past year has jut been too much for me. I don’t know if my subconscious has had too much stored away so I won’t have a breakdown, or if I just simply can’t pretend anymore.

People always like to complain about people who suffer with depression. “I always walk on eggshells around you”. Yeah, so do I. I walk on eggshells around me too. Around everyone I interact with. I never want to come off as “too sensitive” or “too much”, but I’ve learned that you are who you are. You can do as much as you can to make everyone feel comfortable around the topic of your mental health and you want them yo feel like they can worry about you just as a normal person, not someone who has depression.

They make it seem like it’s such a drag for them to simply to their words into account. It’s not that hard to understand that someone is a little bit more sensitive than everyone else and that it’s not contagious.

Do you know how hard it is for me to get out of bed? Every morning? I hate it. I wish I could neglect everyone and everything and that I had a partner who had my back and someone I could genuinely count on. That’s why they judge us so hard. Because our lives are so much different than theirs and they can’t even begin to imagine the struggle we’re going through. Having depression means in some way, shape or form I don’t want to be here. I don’t want to die but I can’t do it the whole “fake it till you make it” thing anymore. I tried. Trust me I tried. And one honest thing I will tell you from coming out of it is that it’s not worth it. It’s not worth anybodies happiness except yours.

Continue to only do things that make you happy. That make you smile. Do things and be with people who surround you with support and the feeling that it’s okay to not be okay. No one should make you feel like your mental health is contagious, don’t let them make you feel any lesser of a human than you are.

We all struggle from time to time, but there are some of us who struggle everyday. It’s so hard for me to wake up in the body that I have. In the mind that I have. I don’t like waking up feeling like a hopeless nightmare. It’s like despair tunnel vision. It’s exhausting.

Along with the antidepressants I’m on I’m forever stuck with bruising on my body. As if I didn’t have enough things to be sensitive about it’s another thing my in-laws will judge me for being so insecure about.

Mental health is such a taboo thing to talk about and I’m so tired of people who have never struggled with it. I’m tired of how they act towards us when they’re the jerks for judging us. I’m tired of feeling less than. I’m tired of feeling like I’m not good enough.

People who don’t support you on your rainy days, they don’t deserve to see your sunny ones.

Screw them all.

Take care of yourself and if you can do extra things then great and if not then oh well, you did the best that your mind allowed you to do today.

Just because someone can work and take care of their family doesn’t mean that dynamic will work for you. Everyone’s dynamic is different. Do what works for you.